Last Sunday, I noticed a shift in my attitude. Then Monday I noticed that it was different all together. I think I finally appreciate my job!
I never got a chance to apply for the temp job at the zoo. They decided to hire someone from an old pool of applicants with out re-announcing it. But, I don't feel crushed. It might be because I don't think I ever really got my hopes up, but I think it has also given me a more solid idea of where I'm supposed to be and what God has planned for me right now. Suddenly, everything felt easier, not as heavy, and I began to feel more positive. I'm not sure if my new attitude is a result of this awareness, or if the awareness is a result of my new attitude, but things are definitely...better. Well, they were never that bad, but they feel better now. And of course we alllll know that is totally the point, right?
I'm glad I'm working where I am right now. I am appreciated, I am good at it, I have flexible hours when I need them, I have weekends off so I can go visit PA, I start late enough in the morning that I can help with James, if I still have this job this summer then I will be able to go to worship and devos in the morning at camp and I'll be able to help set stuff up, and I'll probably be able to take days off to help all day there.
God is good, kids. And when I let Him just love on me things run waaaaay more smoothly. Who knew?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Matthew 5:16
I've never thought of myself as much of an evangelizer. Trying to convince people that my faith is the right way...never really sat well with me. Not that I don't think people should do it, I'm just not comfortable doing it myself. (That's an entry for another time though.) I've always been more comfortable with trying to live as an example. I've written about this before, but these days I'm feeling much less...inspired. I still believe in living Matthew 5:16, but am I doing that?
We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.
Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.
So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.
We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.
Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.
So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Meeting Him where I am.
I think I might be right on the cusp (not sure if that is really the best word here, but we're going with it) of what can be described (with that classic cliche) as "my dream coming true": I'm going back to the zoo as a Keeper Aide. This time I'll be at Asia Trail which is good because there is supposed to be a Temporary Keeper position opening up there, and being the Keeper Aide would give me a very solid foot in the door. (I just love cliches, don't I?) I feel pretty confident about getting the job. I'm not letting myself think of the job as mine or anything yet though. If God has taught me anything during these past few months it is that I can't with any certainty plan on anything. So this should be exciting, right? My mind says it is, but I'm not sure that it goes beyond that...
My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.
A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.
I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...
Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.
(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)
As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.
I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.
My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.
A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.
I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...
Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.
(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)
As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.
I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
How Not to Deal With Problems
Driving
I like driving on back roads, going so fast that I can't think about anything but when to use the brakes--and maybe the words to the music that fills the car and my mind--even if I wanted to. Then there's no room in my head for any reflections, anxieties, frustrations or plans--I'm totally in the moment. There's something so freeing about being locked on the here and now, conscious only of the twists in the road, the pressure of my hands on the steering wheel and how many inches my toe needs to travel to make it to the brake pedal. If I drive fast enough, long enough, any negativity is forced so deep into the back of my mind that I can close the lid on that box I've built there.
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