A penny for your thoughts?

Bokeh

2011-12-13T21:18:00.002-05:00

I learned a new word today! "Bokeh."

"In photography, bokeh is the blur, or the aesthetic quality of the blur, in out-of-focus areas of an image..." (According to Wikipedia.)

Apparently, I've been using this technique for awhile now...

"World Traveler"

2011-11-06T14:00:00.002-05:00

I prooobably should have blogged before now about how my good friend Caroline is getting married and about how that meant a trip to London for me. And how Caroline got her work schedule after I booked my flights and she ended up having to work the first few days I would be here in the UK. Caroline works for British Airways so that meant she would actually be out of the country. So then I should have blogged about how that meant a trip for me to Scotland to visit my friend Cat.

Oh well. I'm horrible at blogging. What else is new?

So...I'm in the UK!

A few (and very rambly) quick thoughts about my trip:
No body scan! The airport in DC was super quiet. It was really peaceful. I used the bathroom on a plane for the first time today. Twice. And it wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be. It wasn't even gross. As long as I don't think about all the germs. Still. They make my skin crawl. Not thinking about them. It wasn't even gross. Also, I really liked the way the soap smelled. In an effort to adjust to the time zone I'm in now, I tried really really hard not to sleep on the plane. It was difficult because I might have gone to bed after 2am Friday night/Saturday morning... I might have gone to bed at 2:25 in the morning. And then my alarm to get up might have gone off at 6am. Maybe. I did end up sleeping a little because traveling makes me sleepy. Cars, trains, and planes. (Oh, my!) All of them do it. Anyway, I think I did pretty well for myself. I didn't even watch a movie! For the majority of the flight, the buttons on my armrest control thing didn't work but it was okay. The guy I reported it to was convinced I would get bored and need to watch a "film." (I'm pretty sure most of the flight crew were from England. When I said I used the bathroom earlier, I should have said the "loo" because they called it that. So I can call it that too without sounding like I'm just trying to be cool. I used the loo on on a plane for the first time today. Twice.) I spent most of my time looking out of the window and daydreaming. There wasn't really anything to look but I'm really good at doing nothing. I did play on my iPod some. And there was apple juice. Heathrow airport has fancy bathrooms. And it is also huge. It goes on forever. And ever.

Okay, enough rambling. Maybe.

Caroline's mom and dad and youngest sister picked me up at the airport and then her sister kept me company reeeally early this morning on my way to catch a bus to get to Gatwick airport. We had a really lovely conversation along the way. =) I got on another plane and Cat picked me up at the airport in Edinburgh and we got lunch and hiked a small mountain that these crazy Scots call a hill. Now she is making a traditional roast dinner for us and our friend Fiona and their friend.

So far, so good for this traveler. =)

If you made it through this entire post then you get a gold star. An invisible one. To put on your invisible sticker pad. =D

It's my favorite season . . .

2011-10-24T22:09:00.002-04:00

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower."
Albert Camus

Composition 101: Combining Dead Space with the Rule of Thirds is an easy way to make a photo more dramatic and eye-catching. Be careful not to include too much dead space--the "fill the frame" rule of thumb is still always a good idea.

Butterfly Stalking

2011-10-18T23:16:00.003-04:00

Taking a good photo is so satisfying. And the process of finding a good shot is so...nice. I don't know how else to describe it! Hmm...

I'm not always the best at focusing. Just ask my friends. ;) But seriously. I zone out, I get distracted, I go on tangents. It's what makes me so charming. =D When I'm in "photography mode" it's different though. My mind sort of slows down.

Today, I had some time to kill and I took myself on a photo safari. (Remind me to write a post about what a photo safari is one day.) The sun was beginning to set and the lighting was really nice. I drove by a field and pulled over. I was going to take pictures of the flowers there, but there were all these butterflies. So I spent the next several minutes stalking butterflies and trying to take a good shot. (It didn't quite work out.) Anyway, as I was following one butterfly, I had a neat thought. Photography is like butterfly stalking. At least, it is for me. Walking slowly, being quiet, looking for little details. (Okay, this was a lot cooler in my head than it is in writing. I still wanted to share though.) I like butterfly stalking.

These might be moths... I never did learn to tell the difference. Moths are cool too though.

Little Details.

2011-10-12T19:05:00.002-04:00

Composition 101: Don't be afraid to keep clicking. Sometimes a shot you haven't purposefully composed will be the winning shot that day.

Texture!

2011-10-11T20:51:00.004-04:00

Composition 101: Texture = Good.

Water dances.

2011-10-10T22:45:00.002-04:00

"If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in water."

- Loran Eisley

Composition 101: If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in light! Capturing that light is oh-so-satisfying. Pay attention to light when composing a shot. Get it right and it could mean the difference between a good shot and a great one.

Not In My Timing

2011-09-13T11:52:00.001-04:00

When Camp ended and I went back to "just work" I was nervous. Nervous because in my typical day-to-day life, I spend a lot of time alone. I spend a lot of time alone and I don't particularly enjoy my job. Because I don't enjoy being being alone and I don't always enjoy my job, I was not looking forward to Camp ending. Camp was something to get up for in the morning. It was something to look forward to during the day. It meant people to love on and spend time with, a community.

Something that I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect. The transition from Camp and work back to just work was not nearly as terrible as I had been expecting. For the first couple weeks, my friends were still around and Britni and I started a fun new project so I had something to be excited about. Also, a few other counselors and I organize a youth group for the teens at Camp and we began getting the ball rolling for that. I got nervous again when friends started going back to school though. Not all of them went very far, but they all have their own lives at school. I was in college once--it's your whole world while you're there and that's how it should be. Knowing this, I did not anticipate feeling great when people went back to their lives at school.

Something I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect. During the summer, I volunteered at my church's Sunday school (Promiseland) and right around the time that camp was ending, a girl that I'd met once or twice before was volunteering on the same Sunday I was. We got to talking, and we both mentioned the fact that we wished there was more of a ministry for college graduates/20 somethings at Cedarbrook. A few days later I found out she was starting a small group and she wanted me to join. Around the same time, the Youth Pastor asked me if I would consider helping out during the school year too. I said heck yeah! Well, as I began to get nervous about friends going back to school, he asked if I would be able to be a "full timer" and come every Sunday instead of just a "half" coming two Sundays a month. I have been going to Cedarbrook Community Church for about three years now and I've been wanting to get plugged in more and more. At first I couldn't seem to get my foot in firmly, and now things just seem to be falling in my lap. I've since gone to a meeting about Promiseland as well as another special event for people getting involved in ministry at Cedarbrook. I've met new people at church and I've realized I already know more people than I thought. Community is great.

I have been really enjoying myself the past couple of weeks getting ready for the start up of the youth group, starting at Promiseland, and anticipating the beginning of the new small group. God has given me things to keep busy with. It doesn't matter that I don't particularly like my job because my job is no longer my only purpose. It is a great feeling.

I am excited and slightly intimidated by the fact that some of the activities God is filling my life with are pretty much directly related to furthering His Kingdom. As followers of Christ, we should be out there, actively spreading His word and love and truth and I've never felt that I have done a very good job of it. Now it's like I'm really on the front lines. I feel like He is sort of giving me more responsibility.

Anyway. God is great and I'm not sure why I can't quite seem to get it through my thick skull that His timing is perfect.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..."
Jeremiah 29:11

I'm pretty sick of rain.

2011-09-08T16:50:00.002-04:00

I understand the importance of rain. I do. I promise. I can't seem to help feeling frustrated about so many straight days of it though. I am actually surprised that the sky has not run out of water to chuck down around me.

On a lighter note, this made me laugh a little. The view from behind our office building:

Yeah, there's usually a tiny creek running though there to a drain pipe that you can't even see in the second picture.

Ridiculous and I love it.

2011-08-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

This brought me to tears. Of laughter. But there were tears. I love it. It's just...hilarious.

(Warning: There are curse words on the page linked above. Just so you know. Usually I avoid curse words at all cost, but... It's very funny and I edit it as I read.)

Wace Cawrs!

2011-08-17T22:11:00.000-04:00

As I have mentioned before, I have wonderful, amazing, fantastic friends. I have been so, so blessed by the relationships in my life and God never stops reminding me of that fact.

My most recent reminders have been through my wonderful friend, Britni. We've known each other for awhile now, but God was biding His time it seems. He chose this summer to bring us closer and boy am I glad He did!

This was pretty much my summer:

SILLY! So silly! I love it. Britni is the perfect blend of silly and serious (to borrow words from the girl herself) (though not about herself) and I have experienced SO much growth through our friendship. It has been amazing. I can't wait for more silly times and more fantastic conversations. =)

The Best Part

2011-08-09T20:46:00.000-04:00

The best part about Balloon Animals is their noses. =)

I take way too many pictures of flowers.

2011-08-08T23:21:00.001-04:00

But flowers are easy. And pretty.

"What are little boys made of?

2011-08-07T17:32:00.003-04:00

Frogs and snails, and puppy dog tails.
That's what little boys are made of!"

Water Water Everywhere

2011-08-06T16:59:00.002-04:00

Droplets are fun to take pictures of.

Composition 1o1: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

Sometimes . . .

2011-07-28T21:32:00.004-04:00

. . . interesting shots happen by accident.

And by sometimes, I mean mostly.

Joy is . . .

2011-07-27T21:28:00.003-04:00

. . . a good roll in the dirt right after your mom gives you a bath.

I'm pretty much a nerd.

2011-07-26T21:39:00.008-04:00

I got to go to the zoo with Camp today!! AND it was the first time I've really been able to walk around with my new ~~toy~~ camera (at the zoo). I was in GEEK HEAVEN. (At least my geek heaven.) Lucky for me, the person I was with was Britni and she is very understanding of my nerdom and so I was able to let it out in all it's geeky glory. [Side note: Britni is amazing. True story.]

I think I got some pretty good shots in if I do say so myself. =)

Love is . . .

2011-07-25T22:04:00.002-04:00

. . . a cuddly baby who sleeps in your arms.

Little Feet

2011-07-23T22:44:00.005-04:00

Composition 101: When doing portrait shots, faces are not the only thing worth looking at.

I love this little boy. So, so much.

Buzz

2011-07-21T22:14:00.004-04:00

“Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.”
- Mary Kay Ash

Teamwork

2011-06-23T21:37:00.007-04:00

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Candid

2011-06-22T22:23:00.004-04:00

Composition 101: Use natural light to your advantage whenever possible.

Love is . . .

2011-06-21T20:31:00.010-04:00

...ten beautiful girls who laugh at your jokes and want to be silly with you.

Joy.

2011-06-20T21:22:00.004-04:00

Tired eyes. Sunburnt face. Joy-filled heart. The first day of Camp.

Soulful

2011-06-17T20:12:00.005-04:00

"The eyes have one language everywhere."
-George Herbert

Almost A Picture-a-Day...

2011-06-17T19:05:00.007-04:00

Camp = late nights. Forgive me. (Plus I don't like any of the pictures I took on Wednesday. ;p ) To make up for it, here are two of my favorites from Thursday:

Tuesday Tweaks

2011-06-14T21:55:00.008-04:00

In which I share a picture that I edited or, "tweaked."

This is one of my favorite little models, my cousin Carter. Isn't he the cutest?

Before:

After:

I did this one on picnik.com I think. I'm a big fan of free. ;) I used the sharpen tool to get rid of some of the blurriness and I used the boost effect to brighten the colors up. Most pictures, especially ones of kids, look great with just a touch from this effect. It increases the saturation of the colors and works well with pictures of kids because it makes things just a bit brighter. (Some progams actually have a saturation tool. It's almost exactly the same thing, I promise.)

Composition 101: When taking pictures of kids, just keep snapping!

Macro Monday!

2011-06-13T20:54:00.009-04:00

Yes, I know most every other day of the week is a macro day. But! I did warn you! I LOVE macro shots!

This little guy flew right in to my shot and became my new subject. He was a little ham! Okay, really he did not care AT ALL that I was even there. I finally just stopped and walked away because I had so many shots of him.

Composition 101: Patience and persistence always pay off.

Boy Cat

2011-06-12T22:34:00.006-04:00

Boy Cat decided to be my model this evening! And by "decided to be my model" I mean I stuck my camera in his face over and over and even when he literally turned his back on me I kept at it until I was satisfied. =) He loved it.

CAMP!

2011-06-12T11:48:00.004-04:00

Okay okay, I know I missed a post yesterday. But I did take pictures! I was just too tired when I got home to post them. And for good reason: Camp is starting!! This year I'm not working at camp full time which makes me a bit sad, but they're letting me help out a ton which is great.

A taste of how this summer is going to play out:

I can't wait. =D

Take Time to Notice

2011-06-10T21:26:00.012-04:00

It's amazing the things you can see when you take the time to notice them.

I think I interrupted his dinner.

Composition 101: OPEN. YOUR. EYES.

Throwback Thursday

2011-06-09T20:48:00.010-04:00

I took this back in February. It's one of my favorites because it turned out better than the idea I had of it in my mind. I set up a little "studio" of white printer paper under a desk light thing and put my little Olympus on the super macro setting. There were a few imperfections in the picture so I edited them out and I also brightened the color up a bit.

Compsition 101: Lighting is important. Take LOTS of pictures at different times of day and under lots of different lighting conditions to get a feel for what works. (I'm still working on this one myself!)

. . . Wednesday Wonderings?

2011-06-08T19:59:00.013-04:00

Why is it that I only* ever see dudes driving around in those tiny smart cars?

Composition 101: Sometimes getting "the" shot can put you in some awkward situations. Get over yourself.

*After I had planned this post out and taken the picture I saw a woman driving a smart car!

Grace

2011-06-07T20:05:00.011-04:00

I have wonderful, amazing, fantastic friends. I have been so, so blessed by the relationships in my life.

My dear Amanda Grace has a lovely habit of crashing at my place on her way to other destinations. That basically makes her a genius! I keep telling her that "2 seconds" isn't long enough, but we do see each other at other times and I love love love the little impromptu visits. =)

Don't let these pictures fool you. Usually we are freakishly photogenic when we are together. No joke.

Planting Community

2011-06-06T18:32:00.013-04:00

There is a community garden near the house where I dogsit. I'd say there are about 15 to 18 plots in it. I saw it at the beginning of spring when all the gardeners were getting their plots ready and it was cool because each plot was at a different stage. Some were covered in weeds still, some were at various stages of being planted and, some even had some sprouts coming up. I went back today and it was cool to see the changes that had happened. These people all seem like pros, too. There were all different kinds of stakes and cages for tomatoes to grow on, one plot even had a little hoop house tunnel thing!

I really like the idea of a community garden (even though I personally have space for a "real" garden). I like garden-y things in general, and having an excuse to work outside is nice, but I think what is so attractive to me about a community garden is the communing part. Or at least the potential to commune.

What a cool way to meet people! And then, what a cool way to forge relationships! And especially in a place like this part of Maryland where community-building doesn't usually make it on to people's priority lists, let alone on their top-ten list.

These people share space and materials, they have at least one similar goal, and they have unique opportunities to work with one another and help each other out. And they can literally plant seeds of community in each other's lives.

I like the idea of community gardens.

Composition 101: Adjust your viewpoint to add a unique twist to a subject. Perspective, perspective, perspective!

Side-of-the-Road Sunday

2011-06-05T20:21:00.006-04:00

Composition 101: Adjust your view point to add a unique twist to your subject. Persepctive, perspective, perspective!

Someone

2011-06-04T21:09:00.002-04:00

Today I discovered an amazing new (to me at least) show on TLC. It's called Spouse vs. House and it's about couples who think they are getting to do a remodel/redesign on three rooms of their house but then they are split up and only one of them (so far it's been the man) gets to do it and they can't see each other or even talk for three weeks. No contact of any kind. For three weeks.

I was really touched by some of the details the men try to add just for their wives (especially the one guy, Ed) but what really got me was how glad they all were to see each other at the end of those three weeks. I think every single couple I saw mentioned something about how they had never been apart for that long before,and they definitely had not gone that long with out communicating. When reunited, they didn't even want to talk about the remodel at first, they just wanted to touch each other, drink each other in.

I don't think I can say that I really struggle with being single. I'm actually okay with it for the most part--I don't really feel that I have a "ticking clock" and I don't think about it all day every day or anything like that. I mean, some days are harder than others but generally, I'm fine. Today was one of those harder days I think.

I think it would be really nice to...have someone. I'm not entirely sure what that means or entails, but I do think it would feel nice.

Oh, well. I guess first I need to work on being in places where I can even just be around guys. I've actually been really missing having guy friends lately too. *sigh* Work in progress.

Side-of-the-Road Saturday

2011-06-04T10:15:00.006-04:00

I'm really starting to enjoy pulling over somewhere when I "see a shot" as I'm driving. Not necessarily safe, but oh so fun!

Composition 101: Look at those leading lines!

More Practice

2011-06-03T22:06:00.009-04:00

She didn't really cooperate... But look at how cute that nose is!

Making my mark on Allie and Carl's new house. ;p I think maybe it made a mark on me too... Oops!

More Flowers

2011-06-02T19:38:00.008-04:00

Photo-A-Day, Day 2!

Really it's Day 1 because today is the day I started posting, but I took the picture in the previous post yesterday. So.

I'm still working out how to use my camera and this is a "practice shot" that ended up working really well. As anyone who has seen more than one of my photos knows, I like macro shots. I really, really like macro shots. I take lots of pictures of flowers and bugs (when I can get them to hold still long enough) but maybe one day I'll be less boring.

I'm having to work out the differences between taking a macro shot with this camera and taking one with my old camera because the lenses are so different, but I'll get it soon.

Photo-A-Day?

2011-06-02T19:06:00.001-04:00

I just got a new camera (my first DSLR!) on Monday and I took it over to the Winegar's for a show-and-tell session with Allie. Carl came home and I showed it to him, too. He suggested I start a photo-a-day sort of thing like their super cool friend Kristy now that I have a new camera. I have admired Kristy's photography for a long time and I told him that I'd thought about doing some sort of photo-a-day (and I've even mentioned it on here before) but that I wasn't as good as Kristy is and I wasn't sure if I could commit to taking/uploading a picture every day.

Now, if you have met Carl you know that he is a super sweet guy. He followed up my lame excuses with, "I think I would look at a photo of yours a day." He went on to say it would be a great way to practice my hobby/skill. I was flattered and I also think he has a really good point. When learning a musical instrument one is supposed to practice everyday to improve and that rule certainly applies to other skills.

So. I'm going to give it a try. Here goes.

James. I love him with a very large part of my heart. His beautiful eyes, his smile, his sense of humor, his patience. I feel so blessed that I have had time to get to know him as well as I do because I'm not sure everyone can see the amazing person I know is inside of that body.

This portrait is the first "real" picture I took with my new camera. It's a little dark, but I didn't want to edit this one.

Sometimes...

2011-04-18T20:39:00.004-04:00

...I stop on the side of the road to take a picture. You know. No big deal.

And sometimes I take them from inside the car....

I promise the car is not [usually] in motion when I decide to be artistic.

Wholeness.

2011-04-17T17:16:00.006-04:00

Wholeness. I don't know that all of us would call it that, but it is the most accurate description of that thing, that feeling, that I have ever come across. This feeling is one that we all desire and one that most of us spend a significant amount of time pondering about, grasping at, fretting over, longing for.

I have lacked a feeling of wholeness recently. There have been moments, some fleeting, some pretty lengthy, but it is usually an abnormally temporary feeling. (I mean, people don't usually feel whole or "complete" all the time, but I think there is a problem when you don't feel that way more than you do. Just saying.) I didn't know for a long time what it was that I was missing. I only knew something was.

I can remember the days when I felt secure in my relationship with God. I loved Him and it was completely enough. I felt connected. I was walking on sunshine. Puppies and rainbows, man.

I don't know when it happened. When I lost my feeling of wholeness. Or when I became aware that I'd lost my feeling of wholeness for that matter. I came to realize that there is a disconnect somewhere. (Hint: it is not on God's end of things.) I have been emotionally but not-so-actively searching to fill myself up again, but it's almost like I don't know how.

I know I need to start going to church regularly again. And I need to start back up with my devos. And I need to surround myself with fellowship more often. And I need to talk to Him more--and not just about things I want. I also need to listen for Him more.

But...I just don't.

"I know how wholeness feels. It feels like soft summer evenings when I would close Christopher and the chickens in for the night. It feels like when Tess would lie on our bed and roll on her back to show us her white belly. It feels like the times I would linger by the barn as soft clucks and gentle grunts would wash over me like the moonlight, and fill me with peace.

Wholeness feels like gratitude."

Sy Montgomery, The Good Good Pig

I am not grateful enough. Atleast, I don't act like it. My goal in life isn't to honor God. I am entirely focused on this life and what I can get out of it--what the next good thing is. I expect things to happen--or to not happen--because it's what I want and how I want it and why shouldn't it be that way? No. This is not the way to go about life

I used to know how to go about life. I was an active participent. Lately I have become someone who is along for the ride or, at best, a member of the peanut gallery protesting when I feel something is not as it should be.

I have become selfish. And I don't like that.

Poses and Posies

2011-04-06T18:06:00.022-04:00

I have lived in the DC area my entire life and until a few days ago I had never seen the iconic cherry blossoms. But I finally got to go last Saturday! And not only did I finally get to see the beautiful trees, but I got to go with my wonderful friends the Doozits. Allie wanted photographic proof that she is pregnant (and by that I mean that she wanted pictures for friends and family to look at if they live far away and do not get to experience her preggo-ness firsthand) and thought the trip would be a good time to take them.

The dear Doozits had a church commitment at noon on Saturday so, being the hardcore picture taking, blossom viewers that we are we decided to make it to DC for (wait for it) SUNRISE! It would have been pretty epic. If the metro had been open that early. Oops. Good thing Dennys is! Mmm breakfast.

Take two: we got to the metro station around 7:30 and in to the city around 8:30. We walked around the Tidal Basin underneath the beautiful trees, stopping every so often for me to help them pose and take a few shots. We left around 11, just as all the tourists were getting there! =D It was my first "real" photo shoot/portrait taking session/whatever it was and I think it went well but boy do I wish I had a DSLR!!

These are some of my favorites (edited on picnik.com):

My favorite:

Now just pretend all of them are in focus and not the least bit grainy...

My eyes are opening.

2011-02-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday, I noticed a shift in my attitude. Then Monday I noticed that it was different all together. I think I finally appreciate my job!

I never got a chance to apply for the temp job at the zoo. They decided to hire someone from an old pool of applicants with out re-announcing it. But, I don't feel crushed. It might be because I don't think I ever really got my hopes up, but I think it has also given me a more solid idea of where I'm supposed to be and what God has planned for me right now. Suddenly, everything felt easier, not as heavy, and I began to feel more positive. I'm not sure if my new attitude is a result of this awareness, or if the awareness is a result of my new attitude, but things are definitely...better. Well, they were never that bad, but they feel better now. And of course we alllll know that is totally the point, right?

I'm glad I'm working where I am right now. I am appreciated, I am good at it, I have flexible hours when I need them, I have weekends off so I can go visit PA, I start late enough in the morning that I can help with James, if I still have this job this summer then I will be able to go to worship and devos in the morning at camp and I'll be able to help set stuff up, and I'll probably be able to take days off to help all day there.

God is good, kids. And when I let Him just love on me things run waaaaay more smoothly. Who knew?

Matthew 5:16

2011-02-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

I've never thought of myself as much of an evangelizer. Trying to convince people that my faith is the right way...never really sat well with me. Not that I don't think people should do it, I'm just not comfortable doing it myself. (That's an entry for another time though.) I've always been more comfortable with trying to live as an example. I've written about this before, but these days I'm feeling much less...inspired. I still believe in living Matthew 5:16, but am I doing that?

We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.

Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.

So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.

Meeting Him where I am.

2011-02-09T08:28:00.019-05:00

I think I might be right on the cusp (not sure if that is really the best word here, but we're going with it) of what can be described (with that classic cliche) as "my dream coming true": I'm going back to the zoo as a Keeper Aide. This time I'll be at Asia Trail which is good because there is supposed to be a Temporary Keeper position opening up there, and being the Keeper Aide would give me a very solid foot in the door. (I just love cliches, don't I?) I feel pretty confident about getting the job. I'm not letting myself think of the job as mine or anything yet though. If God has taught me anything during these past few months it is that I can't with any certainty plan on anything. So this should be exciting, right? My mind says it is, but I'm not sure that it goes beyond that...

My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.

A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.

I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...

Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.

(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)

As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.

I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.

How Not to Deal With Problems Driving

2011-02-03T14:40:00.007-05:00

I like driving on back roads, going so fast that I can't think about anything but when to use the brakes--and maybe the words to the music that fills the car and my mind--even if I wanted to. Then there's no room in my head for any reflections, anxieties, frustrations or plans--I'm totally in the moment. There's something so freeing about being locked on the here and now, conscious only of the twists in the road, the pressure of my hands on the steering wheel and how many inches my toe needs to travel to make it to the brake pedal. If I drive fast enough, long enough, any negativity is forced so deep into the back of my mind that I can close the lid on that box I've built there.

Just some thoughts.

2011-01-26T22:32:00.005-05:00

The first thought is vagueish with some back story: I had an interesting conversation with a new friend this weekend. I am really impressed by how this friend can be so so frustrated at God and still have such a heartfelt desire to spread His light at the same time. However, that is not what made the conversation interesting. What was interesting was how I felt while thinking back over the conversation the next morning. As I was headed home from PA I just felt so...deliciously purposeful. At the time the only word that would come to mind was "inspired" but really "purposeful" is better. It felt good! Basically, I am going to do what I can to make as much money as I can to be able to seriously attack my school loans. (Our conversation wasn't about money, for the record.) With out getting in to the boring nitty gritty, it has to do with being a responsible adult and it involves the family I hope to have one day. I just need to get with it.

The second thought is more of a question. I've been single...well, always really. I've been on dates (like, 2 of them) and at one time I was "going out" with someone for a week or so, but....yeah none of that reeeally counts. So I find myself "considering" pretty much every man I meet. It's really pathetic and frustrating, just so you know. Anyway, that brings me to the question: Do you ever count yourself out? Or count the other person out for that matter. I mean...think things like, "We couldn't work because..." "He wouldn't like...about me." "I'm not sure...is going to fly with me." But really, I have no experience partnering with someone in that way and who am I to say what will work and what won't anyway? I think most of us come up with some sort of list about the kind of person we hope to end up with but mine leads me to wonder if that man really exists. Oh, well. It's not really up to me anyway I guess. God already knows who this guy is so I should just quit fretting.

Nostalgia.

2011-01-15T13:10:00.005-05:00

That's a weird word. But what else is weird is being on a college campus again. Weird that it feels so natural. I'm with my college friends, and we're talking about all the same things we used to talk about in college--professors, dorms, classes, text books, people around campus. The one classroom building even smells like Del Val. Heck, there's a random exercise ball rolling around the room. It all just feels so natural. Like my real life is just pretend and school is where I'm supposed to be. (Insert sigh here.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I were still in school. I don't miss the school part of things. I just miss feeling like I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, and spending time with people I was supposed to be with. I miss feeling like I had a purpose. (Also I miss having a freaking social life!)

I think up until they graduate from college (or grad school), most people have school as a constant in their lives. For some of us, it might be the only constant. After graduation, every decision literally becomes a life changing decision. (I was going to put a lame analogy here, but I'll spare you.)

Anyway, I love my friends and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. Hillary, Greta and I even survived the 5 hour car ride in the middle of the night to get here. It's been great to visit Kristin at grad school and it's been really nice to get a taste of the good old days. (I don't have a comment for the end of this section, but enjoy the following picture of us being cute.)

I love taking pictures.

2011-01-08T19:10:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine has started a project with another friend of hers, and asked me if I wanted to participate:

365 days. 365 pictures. The concept? Simple. The goal? To showcase the world as we see it, everyday.

The idea behind this mission is to take our everyday lives and put them on the big screen, to turn the ordinary and average into extraordinary and unique. There's beauty in everything, you just need to look for it.

What should you expect? Photographs. Some edited, some raw. Taken with whatever camera we happen to have on us at the time the opportunity strikes us. Updates. Seven pictures, once a week. Diversity. Life doesn't deal with the same things day in and out, and so this project has no boundaries. And captions, because we want to share the meaning behind the photo.

I'm not nearly as ambitious as she and her friend are so I don't think I'll actually manage a picture a day. I do love taking pictures though, and as Steph put it, now I can feel like I have a legit reason to be taking them all the time. =D

I can't remember when I started loving photography so much, but I think it was probably during my first photography class my junior year of high school. I fell in love with the dark room and...creating. To take what I saw and make something physical to share my point of view was just so cool. I went on to take another class my senior year as well as aide for a beginner class.

When I went to Del Val I told people I was giving up my hobbies--theatre and photography--to follow my dream. (Del Val didn't have an arts program.) I just realized as I was planning out this entry that I didn't really give up photography. I got a digital camera and since then I've pretty much had a camera with me at all times.

Lately, it's been more convenient to use my iPod though I'm going to have to fix that because the photo-quality is just not up to my OCD-like standards. ;p Anyway, here is the first installment, the most recent "artsy" shot I've taken:

Taken on my iPod, and a little grainy, but I still like it. To make up for the poor quality of that one, here is my favorite of all my artsy shots so far:

I took this on one of my last days at Del Val on my little Olympus and it is the photograph that I am most proud of so far.

I think I'm going to enjoy this blogging-with-photos thing.

So...this is it.

2011-01-05T22:06:00.012-05:00

How do you write about something when you have thought about it and talked about it and prayed about it and dreamt about it and felt about it SO. MUCH. (while all at the same time trying to avoid it completely) that your very soul shrivels ever so slightly at the mere thought of reliving a single second of it again?

I'm not going to Korea.

I think I thought I would feel more relieved to "finally" have an answer, and at first I did but now I'm just...tired. I let myself get so wrapped up in "making a decision" that it has actually affected me physically. And the stupid part is that I was never really making a decision--nor did I want to be--but I let myself feel like I was. I wanted to seek God's will and that's what I let myself believe I was doing except if I had just stopped and freaking listened, I probably would have realized much sooner that I didn't have to go. Yes, I said "have to go" as in, I didn't want to.

I can't pin point the exact moment of no return, but when doors started closing in Korea I got less and less okay with going. (Probably for a reason, duh. Take this as a lesson, imaginary readers. Clean out your Spiritual Listening Ears.) I never really wanted to go, not fully. But I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and that was enough. For awhile. Then doors started closing in SK and doors seemed to be opening here--at the zoo no less. I felt really guilty for not wanting to go, to do what God had called me to do, and I think I knew pretty much the whole time that feeling that way was not the way it was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm a little biased because working at a zoo is my dream and Korea just was so not, but God knows the desires of our hearts. BECAUSE HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course He would take one of the deepest desires of my heart in to consideration when He was planning for my life. I think I thought I could just train my heart not to want that for awhile. That was dumb.

Anyway, God is now calling me to...not go. I think He tried to tell me awhile ago, but I convinced myself that I wasn't being...however I was supposed to be being by not wanting to go, so I didn't listen to Him. I fretted over whether or not what I wanted and what I was doing were "right" or whatever, that I totally totally just...missed it. This probably could have been a very smooth transition from one instruction to the next one, but I just... Ugh. I can't even dwell on this anymore because now I just feel lame.

Wow, sorry this is such a downer entry!

Anyway, it took literally crying out to God in a purely emotional, broken moment to even realize that what I really wanted, deep down at my core was to stay here (in the country). That moment turned out to be necessary (Again, duh.) because it was while reading a devotional yesterday that I finally...let go and let the truth be the truth. I have a new understanding for how David felt:

" I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears."

Psalm 6:6

"Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy."
- Life Application Study Bible Devotion, Day 1

Limbo isn't a state, but Maine is.

2010-12-14T01:06:00.011-05:00

"Limbo," as defined by Dictionary.com:

an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

I think many of us are guilty of complaining about being in a situation/state of being/phase of life commonly referred to as "limbo." I know I am.

I've been out of school for almost two years now, I'm working at a part time job that I don't always like, I spend a ton of time sitting alone on my little couch in my poorly lit basement ~~playing Farmville~~ researching career options... And I find myself feeling disgruntled because it has got to get better than this. What ever "it" is.

I keep talking at God, "asking" Him to make it better, to help me move on the the next thing. To finally stinking transition already. I tell Him I'm tired of being in limbo and I want what's next. I want to move on. To move out of where I'm at, to move on with my life, to move on to what is next. (See a common theme here yet? No? Here:) I have been wanting to be done with what is happening right now, and start doing the next thing.

I've been thinking lately though. (Dangerous, I know. I promise I won't hurt myself.) In order to get to the next thing, it would make sense that I'd be moving on from something, right? I've always thought of limbo as...nothing. Doing nothing. Experiencing nothing. Nothing worthwhile anyway. But...if I'm going to God because I know He's going to give me what is next, doesn't that mean that He gave me what is now?

This, right now, what I've been experiencing (or I think in my case, missing) is part of my life. Part of the life that God created for me. He crafted these moments that I have been complaining about. How much could I have learned these past few months if I had only been paying attention?

Limbo is not a state of being. I officially refute those definitions! Limbo is a choice. Limbo is an awkward dance game often made more difficult by the use of roller skates and it is a game that I have never enjoyed in the past--and actually avoided--so why, why have I chosen to play this stupid game for so long???

How, though, do we switch from bending over backward in this stupid game just to move forward, to living the moments God has given us?

I don't actually know the answer to that question. Sorry. I don't really have an wisdom to pass on to all two of you who might read this. Believe me, if I did know the answer to that question, I would be even more popular than I already am. (Just kidding. I'm too awesome to be popular. Just kidding. I'm so popular there aren't any more people left to like me, so I can't even get more popular... Just kidding.)

I can tell you that I've decided to be proactive. I'm going to pursue every door that is presented to me, and I'm going to try to be better at listening to God instead of just talking to Him.

I'm also going to find worth in what I'm doing right now, at this stage of my life. I get to see my mom way more than I have in the past few years because I work with her. I get to help out with Overflow and be with camp kids and camp people even though it's not summer. I get to go to Pennsylvania to see my friends pretty much whenever I want. And I'm still figuring out the rest.

So anyway. The moral of the story: Don't play limbo, kids. It's super lame.

"This is why it is said:
'Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.'
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Ephesians 5:14-20

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31

Don't drown in those Deep Thoughts.

2010-12-13T23:49:00.005-05:00

I've noticed since I first felt called to go to South Korea that I have picked and chosen who to tell the "real" reason to when I was asked, "Why South Korea?" I would tell most of them that it was because it paid well, or that I thought it would be a good experience. I was reluctant to tell people the real reason...

I felt...embarrassed to tell them that it wasn't my idea. That God told me He wanted me to go. That no, I didn't know why or what for exactly.

I think I justified it by telling myself that they wouldn't understand. Well...I never really gave them a chance to understand, did I? And why does everyone need to understand? Isn't that the whole point? To share God and His love and purpose with those who don't know Him yet? I was too worried about what people would think of me. And THAT is what I should be embarrassed about.

On my way to PA a couple of weeks ago, a car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Own your faith." I was...taken by surprise. Such a simple concept that I had just been missing so completely.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in?

And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?..."

Romans 10:14

God's got other plans.

2010-12-04T09:26:00.005-05:00

The director of the school has decided not to hire me after all. It seemed a little like she was searching for reasons not to, so I guess she just had second thoughts. Ken thinks it's best we look for other schools. So no Eunpyeong SLP for me.

At this moment in time I don't feel too super disappointed or stressed but I think that's because I had a little bit of warning? I don't know.

Anyway, this means that SLP was not a part of God's plan for me. Whatever school I end up with just must be ten thousand times better.

"Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

John 13:7

"Oh, you're interested in kindergarden?

2010-11-16T22:23:00.007-05:00

Most others find it very hard."

"Oh really? That's...thanks. Yes, I'm interested in working with younger children...uhh..." What...was that supposed to mean exactly?

This is a few days late, but I feel I have some catching up to do here. That lady I had the interview with? The one curious about my eating habits? (Haha she was very nice!) Well during our first conversation she seemed [pleasantly] surprised that I was interested in teaching younger kids. Apparently, a lot of people found them very challenging (I guess in a negative way). She said she would consider me for the kindergarten program at her school. The next night she called again for a follow-up to our interview and I got the chance to ask her my questions. A few minutes after I got off the phone with her I got a message from Ken, my recruiter, saying I was being offered the job.

Long story short, a couple days later I decided to take the job. I'm still apprehensive about some things (I'm moving out of the country after all) but I really feel that this is the one that God chose for me. I feel good about it. Confident. About this part at least.

Anyway, in mid-February I will leave to begin two weeks of training and in March I will start teaching at Eunpyeong SLP near Gusan station in Seoul. I guess I'm another step closer.

*****

In other news, I just realized I've been spelling "kindergarten" incorrectly for...I don't know how long. It has a "t", not a "d". Just in case you were wondering. Now you're probably also wondering if it's a good idea to make me responsible for teaching our language to young children... Well, let's all just hope my supervisor doesn't start reading my blog.

"Do you eat meat?"

2010-11-08T22:33:00.009-05:00

Now that I've officially started the process of interviewing with schools I'm beginning to realize just how much of a culture shock I'm in for when I finally make it to Korea. I mean, it's going to be fine. I'm just amused.

I've only had two interviews so far, so I am in no way an expert on Korean job interviews. However, in both instances the person asked me what I consider to be some pretty random questions. Now originally the goal of this post was to document a few of said amusing questions. As I sat down to write them out though, I realized that I don't remember most of the ones I found funny and those I do remember are not funny out of context.

The one question that I do remember and still find humorous is this one:

"Do you eat meat?"

Obviously this lady* knows far more about the intricacies of hiring an individual to teach a second language to children than I do. Why, yes. Yes I do eat meat. Do carnivorous teachers have an easier time controlling the students?

...

There is probably a method. But maybe just madness.

*The woman who asked me this question was really very sweet and I came away from that interview very pleased.

Oh. Em. Geeeeee!

2010-09-23T01:28:00.004-04:00

I think I can say with confidence that this is one of the top ten funniest things I have ever seen. Ever.

Prepare yourself.

Just an update.

2010-09-18T01:52:00.003-04:00

I'm really not very good at this blogging thing anymore. Oh, well. I've been inspired by Shannon and Tricia and motivated by my boredom. Until I actually get to Korea I don't think this blog will be as interesting as either of the other girls', and it will never be as well written as Tricia's, but I do enjoy blogging when I actually get around to it.

For now, a quick update:

Camp this summer was AMAZING. I had a new position as an Admin and I wasn't looking forward to it at first. (I actually cried...) As the summer wore on though, I grew to really really love it. I got to know all the counselors and I was able to hang out with all the different age groups of campers. There were some rough moments, but that's to be expected. If I ever get to go back to camp, I would want to be an Admin again.

Camp is over and my paperwork is finally in and now I'm waiting to hear about the right job. I've been told about two so far. The first one sounded pretty good. It was a 9-6 deal with good pay teaching elementary-aged kids. It ended up falling through for some reason though before we could successfully schedule an interview. I really think that was an answer to prayer because had I been offered the job I think I would have stressed over wondering if it was the right one or not. I'm not exactly sure how to explain that one... I told my recruiter I wasn't interested in the second job because the hours were 2pm to 9 or 10pm. Yeah, no.

For now I'm working two days a week at Hot Springs again, helping Nana about once a week with a few things, and spending the rest of my time thinking way too much and playing a lot of FarmVille. Yes, I am a loser.

"Dear God...You want me to go WHERE?!"

2010-05-03T15:17:00.005-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post:

I'm no longer a nanny.
I work two and a half days a week at Hot Springs with mom.
I got a Keeper Aide Position at the Small Mammal House on Monday mornings and I love it.
And oh yeah, I'm going to South Korea.

On Valentine's Day, Kara and I were on our way home from meeting Joanna at Cheesecake Factory. We were both talking about how we didn't really have plans after camp this summer, and Kara mentioned that for a long time she's been thinking about going to South Korea to teach English. During the course of our conversation, she decided that's what she was definitely going to do and I started to feel that God was trying to tell me something. I wasn't sure what at the time, just that He wanted me to do something that was going to be way off the track I thought I was on. I later figured out He meant going to South Korea too. It scared the crap out of me. To say the least.

Through lots and lots of prayer and agonizing over the situation, I decided/figured out/whatever that going to South Korea really was what God wanted me to do. That was on March 21st. Since then my head has been spinning over recruiters, paper work, a TESOL course, packing lists, the feeling of time running out and personal insecurities...

I know that this experience is going to be all about being stretched for me... God has big plans for the year I'll be away. Starting in September, I'll be several time zones away from all but one of my [current] friends on the opposite side of the Earth, living on my own [for real] for the first time, in a country where I won't be able to read street signs or the names of products in the stores, where there is strange food and very few people who speak English, doing a job I've never seriously considered before. Just thinking about it all is a very stretching experience. But I know that it is going to be okay. Because God is sending me there.

Long time no blog!

2009-11-10T13:14:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's post-graduation, and post-camp and seeing as I have more free time than the average bear I figure what better time to start blogging again?

For now a short, incomplete update:

I am a nanny on weekdays in the afternoon and two to three days a week I help out at mom's office. The money I'm making is helping me to finally build up some savings which is way good because I start paying off my school loans soon.
Every Friday morning I volunteer as a Keeper Aide in the Elephant House at the Nat'l Zoo. I love it and even though I have to get up at o'dark thirty in the morning, I look forward to going every week. I'm thinking of adding another day--possibly at the Small Mammal House if I can get it.

"My denial is wearing off."

2009-05-04T00:24:00.005-04:00

It's been hitting me little by little. Which, now that I think about it, is probably a lot better than it hitting me all at once. Anyway, I'm graduating and I'm kind of losing my cool.

I was talking with my roommate about graduation and I realized that I'll be driving back from graduation, away from Del Val, by myself. Not really looking forward to that trip. Hillary suggested I ask one of my parents to ride in the car with me since they'll be at the ceremony. I told her that would be worse.

Friends and I went to the movies the other night and on the way home I realized that I only had two more Fridays left. For some reason, that was the first thing to make my eyes tear up about all this. It's the only thing so far, but we'll see how long I can hold out.

I was talking with friends the other day about...something, I don't remember what, and something was said that caused me to talk about how I was glad one of my friendships ended because it was keeping me too strongly tied to MD and I wasn't "fully embracing" my life at Del Val. I'm so glad I finally did, even if it does mean that I'm leaving home. I hadn't put it into words before then. I'm graduating and moving back to Maryland full time, back to where I came from, but I'm leaving Home.

I'm not scared to graduate anymore. I know that God has a plan for me, and that it's better than any plan I could come up with. It's all in His hands, and it's going to work out. So I'm not scared about it anymore. I'm just sad. Deeply sad.

"Be an Example"

2009-01-27T18:10:00.003-05:00

An excerpt from the Bible Study I just wrote out for tonight:

As I’ve been thinking about this ["this"= being an example] and related topics, I have been reminded once again that I’m not perfect. I am a sinner and I slip up over and over again. I’m not perfect, only He is perfect. I’m not perfect, but I don’t want my imperfection to get in the way of someone else’s journey toward perfection. I’m not perfect, but I want to act as perfect as I possibly can so that I can only be a support to others on their journey. I’ve said before that I wanted to be a person that "non-believers" could look to and watch to know what was right and wrong [if they were in a situation that caused them to question whether or not the action they were considering taking was a good thing to do. I want to try to be on my best behavior all the time and be the sort of person they know would choose the right action]. Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that not only should I try hard “publicly” in that way, but that I need to also be on my best behavior when I’m with my fellow Christians, especially those I’m most comfortable with. It’s so easy to slip into gossip for example. Anyway, this is just food for thought.

Oh, the craziness.

2008-12-08T13:30:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, I love my school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXOhVhMff7k

Stolen from Allie

2008-12-06T01:13:00.004-05:00

Ten Things I wish I could say to ten [ish] different people right now:

1. I know you love me. You've proven it. I appreciate you for that. Know I'm just not ready yet.
2. I've never had a friendship like the one I have with you before, and I'm having a blast.
3. "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half."
4. You are a beautiful Daughter of God and I consider it a privilege and a blessing to know you.
5. I don't treat you as well as I should, and I'm sorry. I love you. I'll work on it.
6. I wish I knew you better after all these years.
7. I hope you get what you need in life. I'm so much better than when you knew me. I hope you forgave me.
9. Thank you for loving and accepting me even though you didn't have to.
10. I love you and I care about you. I believe in you. We will not loose touch.

Nine things about myself:

1. Orion is my favorite constellation.
2. I have issues with trust that I try to pretend don't exist.
3. I can't remember large chunks of my childhood, probably due to my talent for denial.
4. I'd much rather think about other people's problems than my own.
5. I can listen to someone talk as if I'm skim-reading a book. Comes in handy sometimes.
6. I don't have a favorite food and I never really have, even if I said I did.
7. When I got my braces off at the age of 18, I'd had them on for half of my life.
8. I'm impulsive, but I try really hard to hide/fight it.
9. I hate feeling misunderstood.

Eight Ways to Win my heart:

1. Hug me.
2. Tell me you care about me (and use other "words of affirmation").
3. Sit with me.
4. Seek me out.
5. Laugh with me.
6. Let me help you.
7. Help me even if I try to refuse it.
8. Show me you think I'm beautiful.

Seven things that Cross my mind a lot:

1. Faith.
2. Friendships.
3. My future.
4. My Someone.
5. Wondering what Allie is up to.
6. How I can build on my relationships.
7. School stuff.

Six things I do before I fall asleep: [no particular order]

1. Set my alarm.
2. Pray.
3. Locate my Blanket.
4. Read my Bible.
5. Think.
6. Pray about the things I forgot to pray about the first time.

Five People who Mean a lot to me [who are not biologically related to me]

1. Allie
2. Hillary
3. Greta
4.Sam
5. James

Four things I am wearing right now:

1. t-shirt
2. pj pants
3. bra
4. glasses

Three Songs I listen to often: [recently]

1.Wine Red - The Hush Sound
2. From The Inside Out - Kristian Stanfill
3. Je Fais de Toi Mon Essentiel - Le Roi Soleil

Two things I want to do before I die:

1. Have a career at a zoo.
2. Be a mom.

One Confession:

1. I don't give myself enough credit. Or I don't believe in myself enough. Choose your pick.

Funniest Day of My Life

2008-11-18T23:30:00.003-05:00

So at first, I wasn't going to blog about any of this because I'd told the stories so many times, I didn't want to have to write it up. But then the funny things kept happening and this last one was the clincher. So now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you the funniest day of my life.

"I almost got hit in the head with a squirrel!"
Greta and I were walking to our 8 o'clock classes this morning, chatting a bit, struggling through our early-morning haze. We round the corner of a building and walk under a tree. As one would expect when walking under a tree, nothing happened. Then we came to the second tree. WHOOOSH THUMPsqueek! A squirrel came whizzing out of the tree, past my face, and landed at my feet. I'd been about to take a step forward (seeing as I was in the act of walking) so I just about stepped on it. If I'd been any farther forward, it would have brushed my nose on the way down. The squirrel got up very quickly and ran to the next tree, however Greta and I took a moment to get over our shock. No more early-morning haze after that.

"How did your pants get in our room?"
There was this pair of sweat pants in the room that Jess and I share (the room, not the pants). They'd been there for the past few days and I thought they were Jess' but she thought they were mine, so I would put them on her chair, then she'd put them on mine. Today I asked her if they were hers, and she said no. I was wearing my sweat pants and hers were in her closet. (We have similar pairs.) Greta also has a pair of sweats that looks like ours do, so we decided to ask if they were hers. "Are they? Oh, I guess so." Then, Jess and I, in unison, "How did your pants get in our room?!" None of the three of us could figure out how they'd gotten there. We had a really good laugh.

"Just because I'm not speaking to her doesn't mean we can't talk."
Jess: It's so cold! Why can't we go to school in Florida?
Me: Greta gets to go to school in Florida.
Jess: I know. I hate her. We're not speaking anymore.
***Later***
Jess: Marileigh, I told Greta we weren't speaking anymore.
Me: That's funny. You told her you weren't speaking to her anymore.
Jess: Just because I'm not speaking to her doesn't mean we can't talk.

"Well, you guys didn't look very hard!"
The remote to our DVD player has been missing for the last several days. I tore apart our common area to find it. I figured it somehow found it's way down into our couch, but our couch is from Good Will and sort of cruddy and I didn't really want to reach down into it. We needed the remote to put subtitles on a movie tonight and so we did another tour of the room. Still nothing. I explained to everyone how I thought it had fallen IN the couch and that I didn't really want to root around in there. Our friend Kristin dove right in. After a moment, she exclaimed the above and we all cheered as she held up a remote. Except that it was black. Not our remote. "Except that's not it!!" We all fell over laughing. Literally. She dug around the other side and found the right one and we cheered again. And now we have someone else's lost remote.

"You can start with listening."
Greta: You guys should stop being mean to me.
Me: I'll be nice to you if you're nice to me.
Greta: I should get that red one with stars.
Lauren: You can start with listening.
Me: Haha, good one!
Greta: Wait, what did she say?

Also, sometime throughout the day, Greta said, "Bootylicious."

Funniest day ever.

So I was tagged...

2008-11-15T11:05:00.005-05:00

I don't usually get tagged...

Hmm, 7 random facts?

I recently discovered that I love springhaas.

I'm graduating in May with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Animal Biotechnology and Conservation with a focus in Zoo Science.

I secretly wish I were from Lancaster, PA.

I lead a Bible Study at school.

I almost showed a dairy heifer at the agricultural fair at my school.

I'm turning 22 in 14 days.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Allie pretty much already tagged the people I know have blogs, so if you read this, and you've not been tagged by anyone else, consider yourself tagged by me.

WWJD?

2008-10-21T09:21:00.009-04:00

Greta and I had an interesting conversation last night. Interesting in a good way.

Sometimes when I say things (sentences), I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from/why I'm saying them, but I find myself repeating them in a conversation and feeling them literally resounding through me. It is then that I figure out where they came from/why I'm saying them. Heavenly Father has a funny way of doing that to me. Last night was one of those times. I actually stopped the conversation to jot down some notes, so I could record them here.

Anyway, we'd started discussing how a few of our friends had done something pretty funny, but that it made us uncomfortable. Hillary had asked some boys to take a sign for her. There was a no swimming or ice skating sign by the little pond on campus, and she gave a couple of them boxes of cheezits to bring it to her. And like, yeah, it's pretty funny. It's funny that she thought of it, it's funny that they brought it to her, it's funny that she has it hanging in her room now. But it's still wrong. Greta and I think that now the fun is over, they should give it back, though we've not tried to tell Hillary this yet. The other day, when we were sharing with her that she probably shouldn't have done it, she wasn't really receiving it well. She didn't get defensive quite, but she definitely thought we were being silly/stupid for worrying about "just a sign." I stopped trying to talk to her about it.

The situation still makes me uncomfortable though. It really got me thinking. Talking it out with Greta helped me come to some important conclusions.

Hillary is one of my best friends and she is a very good person and I respect her and love her very much. But as good a person as she is, Hillary is an example of someone who seems to fudge the little things sometimes. That is unfortunate because it is the little things that get us--little things add up. When we go back to the Father at the end of our days, it's going to be those little things that are gold stars on our "records." Black and white? That's easy. "Don't commit murder." Okay, cool. Got it. Obey authority? For example, don't speed. It's the law. It might be dumb, but it's the law. It is wrong to speed. Rules like that are not quite as easy to "accommodate" sometimes. It's a gray area. It's "fudgable." I fudge on it frequently in fact. It's those little things, those gray areas that The Enemy uses to trip us up. To guide our feet further and further along a slippery slope. Pile on enough little things, you'll slip.

And if we're not worried about ourselves, about our own salvation, what about non-believers? What about "greener" Christians? Shouldn't we be at least be worried about them? They look to us for an example of what is right. We become the standard for what is good. It may not be a conscious decision made by anyone involved, but the fact is we're being watched and our actions are being noticed and taken into account. Not everyone knows what's right and what's wrong. There's not quite a clear distinction. I want people who know me to be able to say, "What would Heather do?" and to know that what I would do is what Jesus would've done and what God wants me to do. To know that if what I'm doing is approved by them, that it is very much the right thing to do.

I wish that I had been a better friend and done my job by helping to hold my friend accountable for fudging on this.

It's just a sign. But it's also an inconvienence to those that now have to deal with the replacement of it. It's some one's money, some one's time. Taking that sign was still stealing, and so was asking someone to take it for you. Stealing is a sin. That's not gray. And it's definitely not white.

Amendment

2008-10-12T22:13:00.002-04:00

My day improved drastically. =D I can't remember what began the improvements, but it was all rounded off with a nice conversation with Allie. I hadn't realized how much I was missing her! Maybe that was part of my problem, heh. Now I've had my fix and I'm good for awhile again. ;p

Excerpt from an E-mail

2008-10-12T17:57:00.002-04:00

"I think I'm having one of those days...Ugh, I've just felt so...I don't even know all day today. I had a crappy night last night because I was watching mom's dog for her and he wouldn't let me sleep. Then I've just been off all day today. And now I'm sitting here next to a five page 'document' from my Devil-Incarnate anatomy professor that I'm going to have to make in to a 'flow sheet.' I'm being harsh, but I really, really don't like her at this moment. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated and I'm starting to feel Depressed which is really just the beginning of the end and since I have to function for the next several hours and tomorrow, I'm trying to fight it.

Also, I've been thinking about...your wedding and eventual moving away and for some reason it's really really hard. And I can't really figure out why. I mean, you've lived far away these past four years and it's been okay. I'm still sort of freaked out because I haven't met him, even though I feel dumb about that. Maybe that's not even it at all. Maybe I just feel like I still need you and this whole thing, while super good for you, just kind of leaves me feeling a little left in the dust. You're moving up and on in life, as you should. And I'm happy and excited for you. Remember that, okay? But I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't be offended if I'm a little scared, too. I'm just now realizing..."

The end of it was happier, I promise.

Sometimes I need to update my blog...

2008-10-09T23:23:00.003-04:00

I'm home for the weekend. It's good to see my dogs. Even Shep attached himself to me for awhile after I got here. He even lay down on the floor next to me. I'm not sure he's done that since he was a puppy.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the surgeon. I'm not nervous about it, because I'm not afraid of the surgery. I do however feel apprehensive about it because my winter break is getting busier and busier and I would really like to be able to drive. And you know, walk. Sort of. Maybe hobble? Or crutch? *sigh*

I've been sick this week, but I think that I'm finally getting better. Greta took pretty good care of me. Sometimes it's nice not to have to be "the mom." Actually, despite being sick, this week was a good one. I had an Anat and Phys test on Monday, that I actually think I did well on. We'll see about that. The rest of the day was nice because my lab was canceled. Tuesday was fairly normal. Wednesday was a Thursday schedule so Nosey Bear came for his weekly visit (he's a dog that belongs to a friend of mine. My roommates and I watch him while she's in class on Thursday mornings). Then my classes were canceled because my one lab was scheduled for a trip to the zoo. That was pretty neat. I met my new hero. This guy started working at the zoo 15 years ago as a fry cook in the little food place there. Then he did the internship required by my school there, then he graduated from my school in 2000. 8 years later, and he's the General Curator. My hero. Anyway, so then today we had off school and Greta and I hung out and went to a fabric store and then at 7 something I drove home.

The End.

Rockin' Lock-In 2008

2008-10-06T13:10:00.002-04:00

This weekend was a blast. It was crazy and chaotic and wonderful and terrific and I'm really sore.

I got good feedback about my "talk" and the music I helped organize went well too.

I'm so glad Carolyn was able to make it and that Chris and Scott decided to come.

I love IVCF. =)

"Talk" for IVCF

2008-10-03T13:25:00.003-04:00

Survivor – In the World as a Christian

In the times after Jesus died, the world was a dangerous place for His flock: All but one of His apostles were violently killed for trying to preach the Gospel. They were stoned, crucified and beaten to death. Many other believers met in secret, fearing for their lives. It was either openly proclaim your faith in the Truth and probably be killed, or hide it fearfully in the hopes that you weren’t found out. A dangerous time for Christ’s followers. Some individuals were bolder than others, though they generally still felt the need for secrecy. A code was developed to know when one was speaking with another believer. If you were a traveler during this time, and you came upon a stranger on the road and you thought they might be a fellow Christian, you would draw an arc in the sand. If the stranger were just a stranger, they might just think you were a crazy person and leave in a hurry (ha) or, if the stranger were follower of Christ, they would draw another arc, forming a rough outline of a fish. This image was a representation for the Greek word for fish: “ichthys.” It is said that the Greek letters for “ichthys” formed an acronym that stood for “Jesus Christ, God’s Son, Savior.” This code was also thought to indicate new meeting places for Christian congregations meeting in secret.

Today, we don’t need secret codes or hiding places; we can be vocal and demonstrative about our faith. We can meet when we want, where we want with out the fear of losing our lives for what we believe in. (At least, mostly.) Just because we don’t have to hide our faith doesn’t mean that we are in any less danger today. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “…Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” We are in danger. Every moment of every day. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He’s out to get you. As believers, we are a threat to him.

Some of the tools Satan uses against us are Fear, Stress, and Temptation. Now, everyone here is perfect, so none of you have any idea what I’m talking about, right? Yeah, I’m sure. As college students, we’re in the thick of it. It’s a time when most people are trying to figure out what direction their lives are taking and the road is rockier for some than for others.

When I left high school four years ago, I thought that I had conquered my Depression. I thought I’d defeated the gray haze that took my life from me every so often. I was wrong. When I got to college, the Enemy used every opportunity I gave him to beat me over the head with my weakness. He hit me hard and fast and left me dizzy and despairing. The stress of college took over my life. I felt like I was drowning. On the way down I grasped at everything I could think of (which didn’t end up amounting to much) but it was when I felt broken and like I had nothing left that I stopped trying to fight it on my own and turned to God. That was so much easier! I don’t know how people who don’t know God can stand everyday and walk under the weight of the world. I need every bit of help the Lord gives me, and even with it, I still stumble.

While leaning on God is what He wants us to do and what we should do, it can make life harder for us in a way. Being an active believer has its obvious benefits, but it also puts obstacles in our way. It draws attention to us. We can just blend in with the crowd—not quite. At least, we shouldn’t be able to if we’re doing it right. Just kidding! Matthew 5:16 tells us to “let [our] light shine before men” and in doing so, it sets us apart. Being different from the masses can be hard. Our differences make many people uncomfortable and they don’t welcome our nonconformity. John 15:19 says, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” We are not of this world. We aspire to something better; we are called to something greater.

Don’t be fooled by this world we live in. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Though this is not the age of secret meetings or coded messages, I hope that we can still feel the danger around us as the first Christians did. We don’t need to fear being stoned or crucified, but the threat is just as real. As it says in Ephesians 6:12, “…our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Luckily for us, Heavenly Father has provided us with tools to survive in the world as a Christian: “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:14-17. The Lord has equipped us for our role in the world today; we just have to tap into it all by communicating with Him and by being conscious of our “spiritual status.” Keep tabs on it. If you don’t know where you stand, you’re vulnerable to being attacked by any of the many weapons at Satan’s disposal. So, friends, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” (Ephesians 6:11). That’s the only way we can successfully survive in this world as committed Christians.

'Cause that's not what Life is for.

2008-10-01T01:07:00.005-04:00

As I was walking back to my dorm this evening, listening to the rain around me, and to the crickets and frogs and other night things, avoiding worms on the sidewalk, and swinging my umbrella around but not using it, I wondered why campus couldn't always be that peaceful. Why life couldn't always be that peaceful. Why it couldn't be as peaceful as raindrops at night, or being cozied up on a couch with friends, or painting, or many other things. Why couldn't our existence just be a bunch of those moments strung together? I wondered about these things as I walked back to my dorm room this evening.

Even though I already knew the answer.

Never pray for patience.

2008-09-26T17:59:00.014-04:00

It's no more mystery,

It is finally clear to me

You're the home my heart searched for so long.

And it is you I have loved all along.

~Dana Glover (It Is You I Have Loved)

Okay, corny, I know. But as my iPod was playing this song, I remembered a conversation I'd had the other day with Greta about Heavenly Father's message to me about "my someone." (For the record, I feel a bit silly talking about this, but I still think it's blog-worthy. I promise it's not all I think about.) I can't remember how the conversation started, but something caused me to tell her that I'll be really disappointed if I don't know that I've met him. Then, a few years down the road, when I'm telling the man I'm going to marry about all this, he'll say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009." Then I'd say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009!!" So I mean, it wouldn't be all bad, because I'll be getting married to someone eventually. I'd just really like this message to mean that I'm going to meet him and be friends with him...

I was a little off for awhile today. It was during that period that this song came on. Sometimes, it would be really nice to have a someone to call during those moments. Someone I wouldn't feel... I'm not sure, really. I've been working so hard the past few years to not be...gah, I can't really put it in to words. Hmm... I've been trying to become less...dependant? I've run into problems with friends over the years, and rightfully so. So sometimes I feel that it would be nice to have someone who I'm supposed to lean on. So I get impatient. Which brings me to another thought, actually.

We had a speaker at IVCF on Wednesday, and he spoke on patience. He brought with him the Webster's Dictionary definition of the word:

"the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient."

Which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is extremely helpful. Ha. Fortunately, the speaker didn't think this was very useful either, so he also brought the definition of the word "patient":
"bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint."
Without complaint. Just do it. Basically, as our speaker concluded, being patient is being obedient. So out of obedience to the Lord, I need to try to wait patiently for the right time. The time when I get to meet him, and know he is him. He's being prepared for me, and I need to make sure I'm prepared for him. If I'm being impatient about it, then I'm not being obedient, and if I'm not being obedient, then I'm not being the best person I can be, so I'm not ready for him.

The End.

Just call me "Cripple."

2008-09-26T00:56:00.000-04:00

Last April I sprained my ankle. Badly. Really badly. Greta likes to tell people that I tried to tear my foot off of my body. (She's a funny one.) The way it happened is slightly amusing, actually. IVCF is helps out campus security every year during A-Day (a agricultural fair run by the students. It's a state fair now. That's right. We're awesome.). We stay out all night--from 9pm to 6am the next morning--and make sure other, less sober, responsible people don't mess with things. It's super fun and I love it. Great bonding happens around 3am. Anyway, we were out there, the second or third night, and I get a phone call around 11 o'clock:

"Hey mom!"
"Hey. Do you get a break?"
"No, why?"
"Because I want to give you these brownies I made you."
"What? Where are you?!"
"At Security."

At this point I hung up on my mom in excitement. Heh. See, every year either my dad or my mom come up and spend a day of A-Day with me, but both of them had said that they couldn't make it last year. Well, Mom got sneaky and decided to surprise me one night. I was very excited. I hopped in the go-kart to meet her at security. After a brief greeting, I told her where to park her car and went to take the cart back to the other IVCFers. Then, I started running to the parking lot to meet her. I rounded a corner, and out of the range of the street lights. Suddenly, down I went. I'd managed to find a pot hole in the walkway as I was running in the dark. I knew immediately that I'd hurt my ankle, but it only felt like I'd rolled it. I figured I could walk it off. As I limped the rest of the way to the parking lot, I began to think that maybe it was worse than just a rolled ankle.

Long story short, it hurt a whole lot, mom went to her hotel room, I stayed out with my "crew." Around 2am I decided it was really bad, and that I should probably go to the hospital. (There's one about .2 seconds from school.) Great said she'd go with me, and we got a ride from Security. We sat around, and then a man took x-rays of it very roughly (it hurt!!) and then we sat around some more. A lot. The doctor finally came in for 2 min and gave me crutches and referred me to a specialist. She told me that I had tears in all three of the ligaments in my ankle. So then I was on crutches for a week and a half, and in a brace for a month. Over the summer I did physical therapy, but my ankle still hurt. After taking more x-rays (one set "under stress." THAT was fun) the doctor determined that I have a space/hole in my ankle joint because the ligaments didn't tighten up enough. He said I could either deal with the pain, or get surgery. I'm opting for the surgery. I have an appointment with the surgeon on the 11th. Which is the main purpose for this entry.

I'm hoping to get the surgery done over winter break so I don't have to wait super long and so that I'll hopefully have enough recovery time before I have to be back in school, climbing two flights of stairs multiple times a day. Hopefully this does the trick.

Blurkers?

2008-09-24T13:51:00.003-04:00

So on a couple blogs that I frequent "Blurker Amnesty Day" has been a topic. One I'm intrigued by. I missed the actual day because I didn't really think I would have any "blukers." Curiosity in this case has won out, however. So, here it is, a couple days late:

"I hereby proclaim that September 22nd, 2008 shall be Blurker Amnesty Day. You are probably saying to yourself - "Self, what is Blurker Amnesty Day?" Well this is the day that all blurkers can (and hopefully will) comment and make their presence known without penalty. You may even be saying to yourself - "Self, what is a blurker?" To answer you again, oh inquisitive one - a blurker is a blog lurker. Someone who reads a blog but never posts any comments.

So my unobtrusive friend - I am calling you out. In exchange for your comment, you have my solemn promise that I will not stalk you or request a comment from you in the future. Amnesty.

In case you are saying to yourself - "Self, how do I comment on a blog?" Well, I can answer that as well. Simply click on the area that says X # of people had something to say. You will see a comment box pop up. If you are signed into blogger then you can type your comment and click submit. If you don't have a google account then type your comment and make sure to include your name and perhaps your location (so I know who you are) and select anonymous. Then click submit. It is just that easy!"

I think this may have caused me to become a blurker of the mastermind behind this new holiday...

And we'll have a song.

2008-09-21T14:13:00.006-04:00

Since I got to school, I've been "church hopping" with friends every Sunday. We like visiting the different churches in the area. Today, I went to a new one and I really really liked it. I'll probably go back every other Sunday. (On the other two Sundays a month I go to my friend's new church with her.)

This church has a few young married couples and I couldn't help but think about how I can't wait to go to church with my husband on Sundays, and then eventually with our family. His arm around the back of my seat, people greeting us as a couple, someone to talk with about what we learned in church that day, and, most importantly, someone who shares my faith and desires to grow in his as I grow in mine. I want to meet a man who can be that for me.

Looking around that room this morning got me to thinking about the fact that within the year I'll meet him. I don't wonder why God clued me in to this fact--I need to be preparing myself. I want to be ready for the man that is being prepared for me. What I do wonder is where. Where will I meet him? Not at school. I think those very few options have been exhausted, and it's going to be someone I'd not met yet in July anyway. There was a pretty nice looking guy in church today. Heh, I'm just kidding. Well, he was good looking. ;) But I'm not obsessively looking for my future husband. Or really all that actively looking. Every guy has potential, but every guy had potential before God let me in on part of His plan. Just because I know one of them will be my Someone, doesn't mean I'm letting myself get all hyped up about it. I'm grateful that God has given me the strength and confidence to approach it that way.

Someday, someday soon, I will meet my Someone.

Autumn

2008-09-20T19:13:00.004-04:00

I love the Fall. It's my favorite season, by far. The smell and the crispness of the air, the colorful leaves, the flavors, hoodies and jeans, clogs take the place of flip-flops, Thanksgiving... I love everything about it. I think my favorite part is when I realize that Autumn is finally here. It's usually the smell. I inhale deeply, and close my eyes as a contented smile makes it's way to my face. It's the same every year. I love Fall.

And it's here!

Six-man

2008-09-18T11:34:00.000-04:00

For our senior year, my roommate Jess and I decided we wanted to live in "upperclassman housing." The building we're in has three floors of rooms: two six-mans, and two quads on each floor, and then the third floor also has two doubles (two people rooms) and the fist and second floors have four doubles [each]. Jess and I live in a six-man with one of my good friends Greta and her friend, and another of my acquaintances from Chorus and her roommate. Each pair of us have our own room to share, and then the six of us share the one and a half bathrooms, and a common area.

I really like living with so many people. There's pretty much always someone to come home to, to greet you, to smile at, whatever. Ashley and Lucia are mostly gone or in their room, so usually it's me, Jess, Greta and Lauren, though Lauren is with her boyfriend a lot. I'm glad she's here with us though because I enjoy her company. Her boyfriend is fun too (Our "Other Roommate"). I've sort of been dubbed "the mom" of the suite because if there's a problem with something in the room, or if someone is leaving for the weekend or won't be coming back until late, they'll all let me know. Jess says I give off a vibe. I don't mind it; I like taking care of people. It's a nice little community here. I enjoy it.

I've especially enjoyed getting to know Greta better. I met her at IVCF her freshman year (my sophomore year) but we didn't really become friends until the next year. I got more involved with IVCF, and she'd been asked to be on the Exec Team so we saw more of each other and started to hang out some with the same groups. By the end of the school year, we were pretty good friends. Greta heard that Jess and I were planning to try to get a six man and asked if she could join in. So now we're living together, and that has provided more opportunities for chatting and getting to know one another. It's been good to have the kind of company and support she provides. Next semester, she'll be in Florida for an internship at Epcot. It'll be weird not having her here.

Swimming in the Job Pool

2008-09-16T10:00:00.005-04:00

I hate job searching. I really do. It makes me anxious; though I suppose that is a normal reaction to the process. I guess I didn't realize how spoiled I was, having a job for four years. And before that, I had my first job for almost two years.

When I came back to school this semester, I put off calling the Starbucks here. At the end of Spring semester, I was frustrated with my manager about things involving getting shifts off. Well, I was vocal about it to a few people--out of frustration as well as for the purpose of seeking advice--and I was apparently frustrated in front of some wrong person because when I finally did get a hold of my manager...well, I'm not welcome back at that store. It's a new experience for me. I've not really ever worked with someone that I clashed with like I do with her, let alone a manager. But we never really did click. Oh, well. I wasn't looking forward to working with her again anyway, so this is for the best. I didn't get fired, I'm still a Starbucks employee so I can work when I go home. God knew I wouldn't do anything about the situation myself (except gripe and complain about it) so He took care of it. Don't get along with Amy? No longer a problem.

I still need money, however, so I need a job. So far I've applied to Barnes and Noble, Borders, Hallmark, and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't really want to have to learn too many new things, and I don't want another job that is as high stress as Starbucks can be. I figured book stores and the other retail stores would be good. When I turned in the application at Bed Bath and Beyond, the guy sort of looked over it and then asked me if I would come back the next day for a "second interview." I was a little shocked, but I figured it was a good sign. The interview was yesterday. I'd put on the application that I could start work this Friday, but then I got to thinking that maybe I wanted to wait to hear from the other jobs. I said something about it during the interview and now I'm not sure I'm glad I said something. I'm not sure what the guy made of it. A friend told me, "You know you're not going to be hired now, right?" and that messed with me. I felt really discouraged afterwards, when I'd felt so excited going in to it. After awhile, I calmed down and felt a bit better about it. God has it handled. I'll get a job, and it will be the one I'm meant to have. One rocky interview doesn't mean anything. Even if I'm not used to rocky interviews...

I supposed this whole process is meant to humble me. I'm not used to managers not liking me, and I'm not used to people not wanting me to work for them once they've met me. We'll see. It will work out.

"D" is for "Diploma"

2008-09-15T00:23:00.005-04:00

So far my goal of not stressing out about my classes and school work is working out fairly well. I almost had a little freak out before my first (and only so far) quiz, but I reminded myself of the promise I made...myself...and it worked out pretty well.

A few of my friends have already had some melt-downs, and the one I was witness to shook me a bit. I am in difficult classes--all science. And my ADD has been in rare form lately. I can't seem to make my brain focus on Anatomy for 50 minutes and then 30 minutes later on MicroBio for 75 minutes. Weird, right? *sigh* I need to start printing out the MicroBio slides and that should help. Anyway, I was shaken because a lot of what she was saying to her mom on the phone was an echo of the thoughts I've been chasing out of my mind before I think them too thoroughly. The information all runs together, my notes aren't that great, I don't really understand what's going on, etc. However, I'm still not going to freak out. I'll have to see how it goes when I have my first tests. Which is sooner rather than later because they're next week. So. Fun.

Things I tell myself? It's really only two classes I'm thinking I'm struggling with, I have people to study with in both classes, I'm pretty sure both teachers drop the worst test score, I just need to get though this material because I think the other units will be easier to understand, I just need to get through this semester because next will be better, and "D" is for "Diploma". So there we have it. No need to stress myself.

"But I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun."

2008-09-11T14:56:00.004-04:00

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start taking medication again. Except...I guess I really don't think I do. I'm still feeling "crooked" with my happiness jockeying with other, less happy feelings.

I hate the feeling that there's something over my shoulder, or just around the bend...the feeling of walking around under some dark cloud so that I can't experience my happy moments to the fullest. Or something. Heh, I'm getting kind of confused, actually.

Last night was really good. My roommate turned 21 and we took her out to dinner. I've not been hanging out with that group of friends lately because sometimes they tease me a bit too much (well, not really, but it's too hard to explain). I love them dearly, and it felt really good to have that wonderful night with them.

I was a bit shocked this morning to wake up to engagement pictures on facebook. I mean, I knew Allie and Carl were getting engaged. They've basically been engaged since summer. But it was a bit of...a blow. Of some kind. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy for them. I'm more excited for Allie than I think I'm capeable of expressing. I'm still a smidge weirded out by the fact that I've never met Carl and I'm nervous about what the future will hold as far as my friendship with Allie. They say time will tell, so I'm going to be patient. In the mean time I'm going to be really really happy for my dearest friend.

<3

I'll see about lifting this cloud that's been haunting me too...

From the Inside Out

2008-09-10T19:58:00.006-04:00

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise...

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord."

~ "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United

If I learned anything this summer, I learned that I was wrong about how much I trusted Heavenly Father. I figured, "Okay, cool. Got it down. Check that one off the list." Wrong. Really wrong. I can't remember ever getting so many obvious...signs?... in such a short amount of time. Basically, I would freak out about whatever situation and then He would fix it so I realized that I just needed to trust Him, or I would freak out about whatever situation until I realized that I needed to trust Him and then He would fix it. So I'm trying to work on it. Last night at Bible study I realized that it is not my first reaction to bring my problems to Him. I freak out about it first and have several very selfish moments, and then I ask Him for help. So I'm trying to work on that, too.

I found out this morning that I'm not welcome back at Starbucks. Here at school, that is. I mean, I sort of saw it coming. Sort of. Anyway, I figure I wasn't really looking forward to working with that manager again, so this is just Heavenly Father's way of...nudging me in a different direction, away from Starbucks. Eventually I'll quit the company all together, move on with life. For now I'll work there when I go home. Hopefully... So I've started looking for a job. I hate job searching. It's one reason that I've been at the Bucks for almost four years now. Anyway. The point is, when I found out for sure that I wasn't going back and I didn't have a job, I prayed about it [almost] right away. So yeah. I'm trying.

Sometimes, the world feels quite large.

2008-09-09T00:38:00.001-04:00

Being back at school is accompanied by both a feeling of joy and one of loneliness. It's odd to have such conflicting feelings dwelling inside of me at once. Both are tied to dear friends, and I am in turns feeling ecstatic to be back with my school "family" and detached from others I care about...
I am so blessed by the people in my life. I try to never forget that or take it for granted, and I'm lucky because Heavenly Father gives me reminders every single day. I'm so grateful He saw fit to give me the friends He has.

While I'm here at school, I'm accepted and valued by a number of people. The feeling is mutual, but there's the smaller group of them that I have special ties with. I don't have all of these ties completely figured out, but that's okay. I'm enjoying it all for what it is. And trying not to think about the fact that this is my last year, my last two semesters with them. Last [one] semester with Greta... It's funny, God's timing. Three and a half more months of the relationship that has been growing the most, most quickly. Well, I mean, it's not going to end, but add time and distance...it won't be as happy and easy as it is now. Oh, well. I'm not dwelling on such thoughts. I love being here. I love being with them. That's all that matters. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and try to help make it work when we're not all in the same place at the same time.

The bitter-sweetness that has become some of my other friendships is an odd partner to the euphoria I feel when things are going well here. I'm used to friends being far away, and yet I've never been able to become overly fond of it. Go figure. I s'pose I was spoiled a bit over summer, always having a brother and sister to call on, to laugh with, to be with. As I read back now I see that I'm being a bit misleading. I really did mean the bitter-sweet part. It's not all bitter. I'm excited for Allie as she is at the threshold of her new life. (I couldn't help being just a bit cliché there.) She's in love and he is wonderful, and I'm so happy for her. That part is sweet. Even if I do miss her like crazy at times. (Heh.) More bitterness comes from missing Carolyn. I guess maybe I'd not made a complete mental adjustment after hearing that she was transferring? I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling about the situation, because I know I miss her, but something is keeping me from trying to stay in touch with her. I do know that I feel discouraged because I'm not a priority for her, but I'm also trying to be understanding about that because I don't really expect to be, nor should I be. I just miss her and the rock that she sometimes was for me here. Again, not all bitterness though. I feel that she made the right choice to switch schools, I'm proud of her for having the courage to do it, and I'm happy that she's started dating someone. As I said, bitter-sweet.

In other news, I've not let school stress me out too much yet, though it's only the...third week? I've been keeping a good attitude about my classes and my professors, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. Relationships (both spiritual and earthly), my mental and spiritual health and IVCF, priorities. So is doing the best I can in my classes, seeing as that's why I'm here. Stressing out about how well I'm going to do on a test or about how much work I have to do? Those just don't make that list. So far, so good.

I'll just quietly continue to harbor my strange, conflicting feelings and take each day as it comes. I don't plan on feeling the loneliness this entire semester. It will run it's course. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.

Prayer works.

2008-07-08T23:58:00.000-04:00

An answer:

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"

Luke 1:45

My Someone

2008-07-08T01:15:00.000-04:00

Goodnight, my someone,

Goodnight, my love,

Sleep tight, my someone,

Sleep tight, my love.

Our star is shining it's brightest light

For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might.

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

True love can be whispered from heart to heart

When lovers are parted, they say

But I must depend on a wish and a star

As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,

If dreams there be.

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may, and i wish they might,

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

Goodnight,

Goodnight.

Except I'm not depending on "a wish and a star," I'm depending on Heavenly Father. He recently revealed to be that I'm going to meet "my someone" within the year. I'm working very hard to trust Him because to be honest, the time-line-thing there frightens me. But the Lord knows what's best for me, and as a dear friend pointed out, He doesn't want me to be confused and sad as I've started to feel, he wants me to be happy.

It's still very much in the works. I've begun preparing myself, and more and more of my questions are being answered... that is, after I've figured out what to ask. Prayer works. *nod*

Spiritual "Growth-Spurt."

2008-06-29T16:51:00.003-04:00

This summer is amazing. The Lord is moving in my life like never before. It's all very exciting.

At the start of summer, I was stressing over the fact that I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't sure how I was going to make money and I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. Then I "got smart" and realized God was handling it. Everything has been falling in to place since then.

I'm reading my Bible every night, I'm listening to good music, I'm fellow shipping with new Christian friends, I'm going to church every week.

I feel great, and I'm learning a lot.

The End.

Ramblings about School and Home.

2008-03-24T10:57:00.005-04:00

Coming back to school after being home for break was like returning from a visit. And by that I mean...home feels temporary. But that fact is no longer a source of melancholy for me... It was a pleasant visit, and I look forward to going back. It just didn't quite feel like my definition of what a "home" should feel like? It's "just until I graduate," or "just until I get my own place." And I'm looking forward to both those happenings. I think...

Along with the sense of going back to where I belonged (which is odd because I was headed for school) was a feeling of...bracing myself. For...impact. With something not quite solid. Mammalogy is a big source of stress for me, and I was happy to leave it behind for Spring Break. Now I'm here again and it's "back to business."

Interesting.

Yukkuri hanashi te kudasai!

2008-03-23T00:45:00.003-04:00

(Please speak slowly!)

We have a foregin exchange student! And by "we," I mean the Khan's. But I was there when he got to the house. His name is Daiki, and he is a 17 year old from Japan.

FridgeBoy, The Chaser and I took him out to Cici's and to a movie. (We saw "Vantage Point." It was good. Mostly.) When Daiki got here, we were instructed to speak slowly to make it easier for him to understand. He knows some English, but it takes some thinking to remember some of the words he needs to use, or what our words mean. Well, as a few readers may know, speaking slowly is not one of FridgeBoy's talents. For most of the night, every time FB would say something to Daiki, Daiki would look at me! He could understand The Chaser and I better, so he sort of used me as a translator. FB to English so he could translate the English to Japanese in his head. Poor boy. He's a good sport though. We had him laughing a bit. =D

I wish him luck.

It's all about Perspective...

2008-03-15T00:54:00.003-04:00

How hard life seems from this angle. When I'm here, practically in the thick of it. The stress I left has a foreseeable end. The stress I've come back to... I can neither understand it, nor find the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are bright moments--moments that I cling to--but the knowledge looms like the most cliche black cloud. It's like driving in and out of a rain storm...one that is headed in the same direction I am...

I keep praying for perspective. A reminder that in the grand scheme of things, this is nowhere near as big as it seems. And yet it's bigger than the stress at school; more serious. But maybe only slightly...? I don't know. I've not mastered keeping the other stress in perspective, so I'm not sure how well this is going to go.

Perspective. It's all about perspective...

Everyone has their ups and downs...right?

2008-03-04T15:33:00.004-05:00

Is it the weather? Is it the stress of school? Was I just on a high for too long, and now I'm paying for that pleasure?

Stop the ride! I wanna get off!

Ok, maybe not... I'd forgotten what this feels like. It's not terrible...just...I prefer the happiness and excitement I felt on a daily basis. Duh, right? The past few days I've just felt...unsteady. Not high, almost low, but...never really stable. Some sort of roller coaster with very short slopes.

I think there is some sort of battle going on inside of me. Depression vs....what? God? Well, yes. But more specifically? I guess if I could figure that out I could help it win.

I want the sun to come back out. I want to stop feeling...paranoid about my new friends. That always seems to happen eventually... *sigh* I'll just spend less time with them. Just because I'm so happy in their presence doesn't mean they're always as psyched about it as I am. Oh, well.

Garbled.

The Band Game

2008-01-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

Haha, Chilly rocks. (So does alishka, because really it was she who gave me the idea. So they both rock.)

Here it is, my new album:

"Where We Are Going" by Bridging the Gap

I think it suits me. =)

High On Life

2008-01-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation about someone this evening, and as I was driving home I just felt so....elated. This person is no longer in my life, and I don't think I could be happier about it--which is odd in a way. (In case you hadn't guessed, I'm talking about Lost.) I'm so much better off now, but a few months ago I was doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Now that it has, life is good. So good. In part because of the absence of Lost, but also in part because of...well, me. Mama Kahn told me earlier that I take any little bit (help, support, love, etc.) given to me, and run with it. I hadn't thought of it that way before. It is one thing that separates me from her. I tend not to self-destruct, and she has quite a talent for it. It's unfortunate, really. Though I still have bitter feelings toward her and toward the situation, I really and truly wish her the best out of life. I just can't see her getting it, and that saddens me.

I love the direction my life is headed in, and even more than that, I love that I can actually feel the momentum. It's an....exciting? Enthralling? Thrilling? I can't find the right word! None are good enough. It's a/an ______ sensation. Anyway, it feels pretty great. I'm going to graduate in three semesters, I'm going to go to grad school, I'm going to have a career that I'll love, someone and I are going to find each other, we're going to get married and have beautiful children. And everything between now and then...well, if I manage to keep things in perspective, it can be that simple. Everything in between can just roll on by. Not to say that other things won't matter, such as friendships and family and related events, but I don't think any of that will turn out to be a major milestone. I know stress will get the better of me at least a few times, and I'm sure the Lord has a few trials planned for me along the way, and then there's the whole, "We plan, He laughs" thing, but for right now, it really feels this simple.

Perspective. I can't forget. Reminders along the way are welcome. Alla, you're especially good at that, and I thank you for all the times you've given me much needed perspective. For now, I'm high on life and I'm going to enjoy it.

A Fuse Lighted

2007-10-24T08:51:00.001-04:00

This past weekend I went on a retreat with IVCF. We spent two nights and two days in Ocean City, New Jersey, and that time was some of the best I've ever spent. I've finally found the fellowship I've been thirsting for for so long. I made friends with everyone, but with a few freshmen in particular. I think I've also found my niche in this club. I want to be for these girls what a few older girls were for me last year and the year before. I learned a new song on the guitar--a worship song that I love. Which reminds me, I'm also helping out with the musical aspect of IVCF. I need to get on that...

I came back excited for life and on fire for God. I'm always excited to possibly see my IVCF family around campus, and I can't wait for the times when I'm guaranteed to.

I'm starting a Bible study. A few people and I can't make it to the one that is already in existence, so the other day I just all of a sudden decided to start one. This is very strange for me because I've never felt that I had enough knowledge or authority to take on this kind of thing... Anyway, we'll meet for the first time on Monday, and I already have my devotional prepared. I'm so excited!

Symbolic?

2007-10-11T20:54:00.000-04:00

So I have this one little glass tealight holder. An old friend painted a beautiful H on it. (Yes, I am giving away pieces of my "true identity" but I don't care anymore.) Very...ornate? It's outlined in black and it has two transparent purple parts with gold dots. I can't describe it very well. Anyway, that old friend no longer speaks to me. It's been many years. But I love the little candle holder. I usually keep it with me at school on my desk and burn a candle in it every once in awhile. Well, it broke just now. I was holding it at an angle to try to get the candle to burn evenly, and I guess I just weakend the glass just enough. It just sort of...popped. A large piece of the side literally flew off and landed in the remaining part.

I really love that thing...I hope I can somehow make another. Or something. =(

"What a beautiful day to enter the world..."

2007-10-02T19:39:00.000-04:00

My baby cousin was born today. "8.5 lbs, 20 inches, and eyes wide open!" I'm very excited to meet her in a couple of weeks. I have a feeling we're going to be the best of friends. At least, I hope so.

As I was walking to my dorm from the student center, I tipped my head back and thought, "What a beautiful day to enter the world." The sky was a rich blue, the few clouds that were within sight were flossy and white, the air cool, but not cold. The sun shone unobtrusively from somewhere behind me. I just couldn't help being so grateful for that one brief moment.

I wonder if my aunt and uncle will allow me and or my mother to teach that little girl about her Heavenly Father and how much He loves her? She is so special to me already...

Sometimes, I'm pretty smart...

2007-09-24T20:29:00.000-04:00

So, in case you, reader, have not figured it out yet, I sometimes have small self-esteem issues...but sometimes, I know myself better than I think I do. Years ago, I wrote three notes to myself. I don't know when, and I don't know what made me write them, but every so often I come across them. Usually at just the right time. I read them and then put them somewhere safe and forget about them until the next time I find them. I wanted to put them here so that maybe I'll run across them more often as I read through old entries.

Dear self -

You have talent. You don't have to have that "one special talent." Maybe you do have it. Maybe it's not an ordinary talent. It could be love for example.

People are not better than you. They just have different talents. Not everybody has to like you. The people who matter already do. In fact, the people who matter love you.

<3 Me

Dear self -

People love you. There will always be tomorrow. Things may change, but if it/they matter, they'll always be around. I love you. I don't always show it, but...I should. I don't tell you enough. Sometimes I think I don't save enough love for you. You love everyone sooo much...but that's good. Keep caring.

<3 Me

Dear self -

Keep your faith. People have noticed it, and I'm proud of you for it. Jesus loves you. NEVER FORGET THAT. God loves you, Jesus died for you. You are wonderful. Keep striving. I know it's hard but...Heaven awaits you. Bring souls with you.

<3 Me

Under the same moon...

2007-09-20T21:50:00.001-04:00

I can see the moon through my window right now...hazy through the clouds. It's a half-moon tonight. I have always been drawn to the moon. (Though not quite like the tides. Badump, ching! Or something...) I love looking at it. Searching the craters for faces...

Back when Lost and I used to be close, I would call her from school, and I would walk out to the little pond here and sit in the tiny gazebo. We would be on the phone, missing each other, and I would tell her not to worry because we were still under the same moon. We could both look up at that moment and see the same thing.

I'm pretty sure it meant more to me than it did to her...

The moon still means a lot to me. Hopefully I can someday tie it with something else. Someday, it won't remind me of her as much. I say "as much" because Lost was an important part of my life, and I never want to forget that part, but I don't want constant reminders that lead to the more painful memories connected with our friendship. Someday I'll be able to look back on it all and smile every time.

Bittersweet memories.