So Gpa finally passed yesterday. I'm pretty much fine. It was his time to go. I had been to see him a few days before and he was just...not there. He had gotten worse and had to go to a hospice home. By the time I'd gotten there to see him, they'd had to sedate him to avoid sticky situations resulting from his being delusional. Anyway, he's in a better place now.
I've really been fine up until this morning. On my way to work, I began to think about how my uncles didn't have any kind of relationship with their father and how I would be SO SAD if something happened to my dad. I love my dad. I suddenly wanted to hug him, and it made me cry a little.
So yeah, I'm basically fine. I'll be feeling a bit strange for awhile because someone in my family just died, but it will be ok.
Showing posts with label Grandpa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandpa. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Blessings to be counted.
G-pa is getting worse. He is so confused all the time now.
I finally let myself cry about it the other night. Lexi and Amiira were chatting and something made me think of G-pa. I got a bit sad and I was super tired, so I lay down closer to Lexi and listened in an attempt to keep my mind away from personal thoughts. Well, as I should have learned in the past, it is impossible for me to do that for long.
I think it was when Lexi mentioned her grandfather, but eventually, I sat up and a single tear ran down my cheek. They asked is I were ok, and when I started to explain, my words came out broken and full of the emotions I'd been trying to ignore since I first heard about G-pa's cancer. Lexi beckoned me closer and Amiira moved over to our couch. A few more tears and shudders came out of me while Lexi held me and Amiira offered advice. After awhile, things sort of ran their course and we all moved on to other things.
Later that night, after the light was out and Lexi and I had started settling in for the night, the thoughts of G-pa came back, and with them, the shuttering breaths that usually come before my tears. Of course, Lexi heard me, and she sat up with me for most of the night as I cried and shook. She really is good to me.
I finally let myself cry about it the other night. Lexi and Amiira were chatting and something made me think of G-pa. I got a bit sad and I was super tired, so I lay down closer to Lexi and listened in an attempt to keep my mind away from personal thoughts. Well, as I should have learned in the past, it is impossible for me to do that for long.
I think it was when Lexi mentioned her grandfather, but eventually, I sat up and a single tear ran down my cheek. They asked is I were ok, and when I started to explain, my words came out broken and full of the emotions I'd been trying to ignore since I first heard about G-pa's cancer. Lexi beckoned me closer and Amiira moved over to our couch. A few more tears and shudders came out of me while Lexi held me and Amiira offered advice. After awhile, things sort of ran their course and we all moved on to other things.
Later that night, after the light was out and Lexi and I had started settling in for the night, the thoughts of G-pa came back, and with them, the shuttering breaths that usually come before my tears. Of course, Lexi heard me, and she sat up with me for most of the night as I cried and shook. She really is good to me.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Just call me "Little Bits."
This past weekend, I went to visit my grandpa. I went to visit him because a little while ago, we found out he was dying. He has cancer in his lung, bone marrow, and blood stream. It will most likely metastasize in his brain as well.
This particular grandfather, my mom's father, has been on the outs with most of his five children for about 20 years—my entire life. G-pa likes to have things his way. He wants things thought about and/or preformed his way, and when they're not, or people put up too much of a fight about it, well, it's just not good. He is very critical. The only ones that have been able to stay on his good side (for the most part) are my mother and aunt. My three uncles decided to move on with their lives, and not include him as part of them. One uncle doesn't even want to see him even now.
Anyway, I've not seen G-pa in a few years. Not since his wife died (my "step grandmother"). We used to go once a year around Thanksgiving and my birthday. I even have my own room in his house. Well, I consider it mine. I just stayed in the same one every time. We stopped going to see him a few years ago, but I can't remember why. He has not been able to get to know me as the person I have become. See, it's pretty safe to say G-pa is just not good with kids. Anyway, the look on his face when we were having our discussions....I've never really seen him look like that. I impressed him. My grandfather is not easily impressed, let me tell you. Mostly it was that I surprised him, but still.
He said a few things that were very out of character for him. He was telling me how he "wish[ed] for [me] a soul mate." And he said he was proud of me. That surprised me the most. I even had to take a few seconds to recover before I could respond. He even gave me a nickname: Little Bits. I like it. A lot. It means a lot to me, this sort of term of endearment from him.
I keep thinking about how I'm just getting to know him, and in about 8 weeks or so, he won't be here anymore. Before this weekend I didn't really feel anything about him dying. A few times this weekend, I almost started crying. I wouldn't let myself in front of him or mom, but when I went to bed that night, I didn't want to cry alone. I suppose I've put my "mourning" on hold for a little while longer even though I know how I feel now.
I'm actually going to miss him. I think maybe a lot.
This particular grandfather, my mom's father, has been on the outs with most of his five children for about 20 years—my entire life. G-pa likes to have things his way. He wants things thought about and/or preformed his way, and when they're not, or people put up too much of a fight about it, well, it's just not good. He is very critical. The only ones that have been able to stay on his good side (for the most part) are my mother and aunt. My three uncles decided to move on with their lives, and not include him as part of them. One uncle doesn't even want to see him even now.
Anyway, I've not seen G-pa in a few years. Not since his wife died (my "step grandmother"). We used to go once a year around Thanksgiving and my birthday. I even have my own room in his house. Well, I consider it mine. I just stayed in the same one every time. We stopped going to see him a few years ago, but I can't remember why. He has not been able to get to know me as the person I have become. See, it's pretty safe to say G-pa is just not good with kids. Anyway, the look on his face when we were having our discussions....I've never really seen him look like that. I impressed him. My grandfather is not easily impressed, let me tell you. Mostly it was that I surprised him, but still.
He said a few things that were very out of character for him. He was telling me how he "wish[ed] for [me] a soul mate." And he said he was proud of me. That surprised me the most. I even had to take a few seconds to recover before I could respond. He even gave me a nickname: Little Bits. I like it. A lot. It means a lot to me, this sort of term of endearment from him.
I keep thinking about how I'm just getting to know him, and in about 8 weeks or so, he won't be here anymore. Before this weekend I didn't really feel anything about him dying. A few times this weekend, I almost started crying. I wouldn't let myself in front of him or mom, but when I went to bed that night, I didn't want to cry alone. I suppose I've put my "mourning" on hold for a little while longer even though I know how I feel now.
I'm actually going to miss him. I think maybe a lot.
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