High On Life

I had a conversation about someone this evening, and as I was driving home I just felt so....elated. This person is no longer in my life, and I don't think I could be happier about it--which is odd in a way. (In case you hadn't guessed, I'm talking about Lost.) I'm so much better off now, but a few months ago I was doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Now that it has, life is good. So good. In part because of the absence of Lost, but also in part because of...well, me. Mama Kahn told me earlier that I take any little bit (help, support, love, etc.) given to me, and run with it. I hadn't thought of it that way before. It is one thing that separates me from her. I tend not to self-destruct, and she has quite a talent for it. It's unfortunate, really. Though I still have bitter feelings toward her and toward the situation, I really and truly wish her the best out of life. I just can't see her getting it, and that saddens me.

I love the direction my life is headed in, and even more than that, I love that I can actually feel the momentum. It's an....exciting? Enthralling? Thrilling? I can't find the right word! None are good enough. It's a/an ______ sensation. Anyway, it feels pretty great. I'm going to graduate in three semesters, I'm going to go to grad school, I'm going to have a career that I'll love, someone and I are going to find each other, we're going to get married and have beautiful children. And everything between now and then...well, if I manage to keep things in perspective, it can be that simple. Everything in between can just roll on by. Not to say that other things won't matter, such as friendships and family and related events, but I don't think any of that will turn out to be a major milestone. I know stress will get the better of me at least a few times, and I'm sure the Lord has a few trials planned for me along the way, and then there's the whole, "We plan, He laughs" thing, but for right now, it really feels this simple.

Perspective. I can't forget. Reminders along the way are welcome. Alla, you're especially good at that, and I thank you for all the times you've given me much needed perspective. For now, I'm high on life and I'm going to enjoy it.

Under the same moon...

I can see the moon through my window right now...hazy through the clouds. It's a half-moon tonight. I have always been drawn to the moon. (Though not quite like the tides. Badump, ching! Or something...) I love looking at it. Searching the craters for faces...

Back when Lost and I used to be close, I would call her from school, and I would walk out to the little pond here and sit in the tiny gazebo. We would be on the phone, missing each other, and I would tell her not to worry because we were still under the same moon. We could both look up at that moment and see the same thing.

I'm pretty sure it meant more to me than it did to her...

The moon still means a lot to me. Hopefully I can someday tie it with something else. Someday, it won't remind me of her as much. I say "as much" because Lost was an important part of my life, and I never want to forget that part, but I don't want constant reminders that lead to the more painful memories connected with our friendship. Someday I'll be able to look back on it all and smile every time.

Bittersweet memories.

Just a girl that I know...

To me, a friend is someone I would want to share the joys in my life with; someone with whom I would maybe want to share my sorrows.

She is not one of those people anymore. I don't trust her, and I don't get a warmish feeling when I think about her. It sounds sad, but I just don't think of her as a friend anymore. The situation is strange for me because the few times something like this has happened, it was decided for me that whatever person and I were no longer friends.

*sigh* It is too late at night for this to make any sense. Maybe I'll rewrite it later.

If you don't have anything good to write, don't write anything at all.

' Twas my motto for this blog....hmm......and yet, I write.


I'm confused.

I don't know what is going on in Lost's head. I really wish I did. I'm frustrated because I find myself talking to her, slipping right back into the rhythm that existed so naturally between us. "It's weird because it's not weird." I don't know yet if I can trust her. Should I embrace the returning friendship, or attempt to keep up some wall...if that's even possible? I've let down my defenses so easily so far. We'd been so close.

And then there's the other one... *sigh* I don't know what's going on.

Being at home this weekend will be nice. I'm pretty sure....

Getting to know you

So....I did it. I called Lost. And she called back. And we talked about it. I don't know what her origional deal was, and she said she probably still couldn't talk to me about it, but I don't care. Not one bit.

Dear you,

I've grown up.

Can we do this? Let's give it one more shot.

~ me

We're getting to know each other again. Because we both want to.

I need to be careful.




Some one keep me on track? Please? Just keep an eye on me...

How open should my heart really be?

"Hands open and my eyes open.

I just keep hoping that your heart opens.

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right,

Gotta be more than hoping it's right."

~Snow Patrol, "Hands Open"

[Lost], this is dumb.
"What's dumb?"
This thing with us.
"You're being very nondescriptive. Could you please elaborate?"
I feel like we're just pretending...it feels fake.*
"I didn't know what else to do. I did sincerely apologize, but you still seemed so upset with me, so I decided I should just leave you alone for awhile...I figured when you were ready to talk about it or move on or whatever, you would let me know. Until then, I just needed to be patient."*
I appreciate your apology, but apologies don't make everything [better right away]. They're just the first step. I forgive you, but I can't act completely naturally because I'm still uncomfortable. Know that just because I am uncomfortable, it doesn't mean I want you to stop working with me on the problem...I have done everything I can for our friendship. All I can do now is reciprocate any effort made by you. I'm torn because this is too important to me to just wait and hope you'll do something, but if I "do something", I feel that it won't be very effective because I can't always be the one to "do something." Friendships are an equal partnership. I can't have a shallow friendship who's sole purpose is to "just have fun." It's not bad or wrong, it's just not me. Especially if I am close with a person first. This whole time I've not known how you feel about any of this. You've pretty much kept me out of communication for awhile now. You were not treating me fairly. I made the decision to take care of myself--to be fair to myself. Never have I wanted our friendship to be over...I don't know what else I can say.*


I finally did it. We had been e-mailing stupid little things like forwards back and forth and I just got sick of it. We'll have to see what comes of it. I'm not holding my breath--I won't do that to myself.

*Content left out or modified for brevity's sake. Content in quotes only shortened, original text intact.

A conversation with my roommate.

Me: If I have to read the f-word one more time, I'm going to punch something. Just because I hear it all the time doesn't mean I'm ok with reading it.

Roomie: You'd think she would have asked you if it offended you.

Me: Yeah, but she's not considerate. It's Kuehl. Even if I said something to her, she would just say something like, "Well, you're an adult now" and she'd be right, but still. I visibly flinch every time I read it. It's ruining this already awful play for me.

Roomie: It's a nasty word, I don't see why we just have to learn to live with it. I mean, sometimes I do use it, but I'm joking around, I would never use it in an argument.

Me: I'm really not a prude, I promise. I know I talk about things like this fairly often.

Roomie: No, I know. And most of what you say I agree with, so it's ok.

Me: It's just that since what happened with Lost*, I've just been making some personal choices. I learned that you have to be your own person. Really be your own person. Like, through and through.


I really liked that realization....I hope I remember it as I continue to struggle to move on.....

*Pseudonym.