Nostalgia.

That's a weird word. But what else is weird is being on a college campus again. Weird that it feels so natural. I'm with my college friends, and we're talking about all the same things we used to talk about in college--professors, dorms, classes, text books, people around campus. The one classroom building even smells like Del Val. Heck, there's a random exercise ball rolling around the room. It all just feels so natural. Like my real life is just pretend and school is where I'm supposed to be. (Insert sigh here.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I were still in school. I don't miss the school part of things. I just miss feeling like I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, and spending time with people I was supposed to be with. I miss feeling like I had a purpose. (Also I miss having a freaking social life!)

I think up until they graduate from college (or grad school), most people have school as a constant in their lives. For some of us, it might be the only constant. After graduation, every decision literally becomes a life changing decision. (I was going to put a lame analogy here, but I'll spare you.)

Anyway, I love my friends and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. Hillary, Greta and I even survived the 5 hour car ride in the middle of the night to get here. It's been great to visit Kristin at grad school and it's been really nice to get a taste of the good old days. (I don't have a comment for the end of this section, but enjoy the following picture of us being cute.)

So...this is it.

How do you write about something when you have thought about it and talked about it and prayed about it and dreamt about it and felt about it SO. MUCH. (while all at the same time trying to avoid it completely) that your very soul shrivels ever so slightly at the mere thought of reliving a single second of it again?

I'm not going to Korea.

I think I thought I would feel more relieved to "finally" have an answer, and at first I did but now I'm just...tired. I let myself get so wrapped up in "making a decision" that it has actually affected me physically. And the stupid part is that I was never really making a decision--nor did I want to be--but I let myself feel like I was. I wanted to seek God's will and that's what I let myself believe I was doing except if I had just stopped and freaking listened, I probably would have realized much sooner that I didn't have to go. Yes, I said "have to go" as in, I didn't want to.

I can't pin point the exact moment of no return, but when doors started closing in Korea I got less and less okay with going. (Probably for a reason, duh. Take this as a lesson, imaginary readers. Clean out your Spiritual Listening Ears.) I never really wanted to go, not fully. But I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and that was enough. For awhile. Then doors started closing in SK and doors seemed to be opening here--at the zoo no less. I felt really guilty for not wanting to go, to do what God had called me to do, and I think I knew pretty much the whole time that feeling that way was not the way it was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm a little biased because working at a zoo is my dream and Korea just was so not, but God knows the desires of our hearts. BECAUSE HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course He would take one of the deepest desires of my heart in to consideration when He was planning for my life. I think I thought I could just train my heart not to want that for awhile. That was dumb.

Anyway, God is now calling me to...not go. I think He tried to tell me awhile ago, but I convinced myself that I wasn't being...however I was supposed to be being by not wanting to go, so I didn't listen to Him. I fretted over whether or not what I wanted and what I was doing were "right" or whatever, that I totally totally just...missed it. This probably could have been a very smooth transition from one instruction to the next one, but I just... Ugh. I can't even dwell on this anymore because now I just feel lame.

Wow, sorry this is such a downer entry!

Anyway, it took literally crying out to God in a purely emotional, broken moment to even realize that what I really wanted, deep down at my core was to stay here (in the country). That moment turned out to be necessary (Again, duh.) because it was while reading a devotional yesterday that I finally...let go and let the truth be the truth. I have a new understanding for how David felt:

" I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears."

Psalm 6:6

"Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy."
- Life Application Study Bible Devotion, Day 1

"Dear God...You want me to go WHERE?!"

A lot has happened since my last post:

I'm no longer a nanny.
I work two and a half days a week at Hot Springs with mom.
I got a Keeper Aide Position at the Small Mammal House on Monday mornings and I love it.
And oh yeah, I'm going to South Korea.

On Valentine's Day, Kara and I were on our way home from meeting Joanna at Cheesecake Factory. We were both talking about how we didn't really have plans after camp this summer, and Kara mentioned that for a long time she's been thinking about going to South Korea to teach English. During the course of our conversation, she decided that's what she was definitely going to do and I started to feel that God was trying to tell me something. I wasn't sure what at the time, just that He wanted me to do something that was going to be way off the track I thought I was on. I later figured out He meant going to South Korea too. It scared the crap out of me. To say the least.

Through lots and lots of prayer and agonizing over the situation, I decided/figured out/whatever that going to South Korea really was what God wanted me to do. That was on March 21st. Since then my head has been spinning over recruiters, paper work, a TESOL course, packing lists, the feeling of time running out and personal insecurities...

I know that this experience is going to be all about being stretched for me... God has big plans for the year I'll be away. Starting in September, I'll be several time zones away from all but one of my [current] friends on the opposite side of the Earth, living on my own [for real] for the first time, in a country where I won't be able to read street signs or the names of products in the stores, where there is strange food and very few people who speak English, doing a job I've never seriously considered before. Just thinking about it all is a very stretching experience. But I know that it is going to be okay. Because God is sending me there.

"My denial is wearing off."

It's been hitting me little by little. Which, now that I think about it, is probably a lot better than it hitting me all at once. Anyway, I'm graduating and I'm kind of losing my cool.

I was talking with my roommate about graduation and I realized that I'll be driving back from graduation, away from Del Val, by myself. Not really looking forward to that trip. Hillary suggested I ask one of my parents to ride in the car with me since they'll be at the ceremony. I told her that would be worse.

Friends and I went to the movies the other night and on the way home I realized that I only had two more Fridays left. For some reason, that was the first thing to make my eyes tear up about all this. It's the only thing so far, but we'll see how long I can hold out.

I was talking with friends the other day about...something, I don't remember what, and something was said that caused me to talk about how I was glad one of my friendships ended because it was keeping me too strongly tied to MD and I wasn't "fully embracing" my life at Del Val. I'm so glad I finally did, even if it does mean that I'm leaving home. I hadn't put it into words before then. I'm graduating and moving back to Maryland full time, back to where I came from, but I'm leaving Home.

I'm not scared to graduate anymore. I know that God has a plan for me, and that it's better than any plan I could come up with. It's all in His hands, and it's going to work out. So I'm not scared about it anymore. I'm just sad. Deeply sad.

WWJD?

Greta and I had an interesting conversation last night. Interesting in a good way.

Sometimes when I say things (sentences), I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from/why I'm saying them, but I find myself repeating them in a conversation and feeling them literally resounding through me. It is then that I figure out where they came from/why I'm saying them. Heavenly Father has a funny way of doing that to me. Last night was one of those times. I actually stopped the conversation to jot down some notes, so I could record them here.

Anyway, we'd started discussing how a few of our friends had done something pretty funny, but that it made us uncomfortable. Hillary had asked some boys to take a sign for her. There was a no swimming or ice skating sign by the little pond on campus, and she gave a couple of them boxes of cheezits to bring it to her. And like, yeah, it's pretty funny. It's funny that she thought of it, it's funny that they brought it to her, it's funny that she has it hanging in her room now. But it's still wrong. Greta and I think that now the fun is over, they should give it back, though we've not tried to tell Hillary this yet. The other day, when we were sharing with her that she probably shouldn't have done it, she wasn't really receiving it well. She didn't get defensive quite, but she definitely thought we were being silly/stupid for worrying about "just a sign." I stopped trying to talk to her about it.

The situation still makes me uncomfortable though. It really got me thinking. Talking it out with Greta helped me come to some important conclusions.

Hillary is one of my best friends and she is a very good person and I respect her and love her very much. But as good a person as she is, Hillary is an example of someone who seems to fudge the little things sometimes. That is unfortunate because it is the little things that get us--little things add up. When we go back to the Father at the end of our days, it's going to be those little things that are gold stars on our "records." Black and white? That's easy. "Don't commit murder." Okay, cool. Got it. Obey authority? For example, don't speed. It's the law. It might be dumb, but it's the law. It is wrong to speed. Rules like that are not quite as easy to "accommodate" sometimes. It's a gray area. It's "fudgable." I fudge on it frequently in fact. It's those little things, those gray areas that The Enemy uses to trip us up. To guide our feet further and further along a slippery slope. Pile on enough little things, you'll slip.

And if we're not worried about ourselves, about our own salvation, what about non-believers? What about "greener" Christians? Shouldn't we be at least be worried about them? They look to us for an example of what is right. We become the standard for what is good. It may not be a conscious decision made by anyone involved, but the fact is we're being watched and our actions are being noticed and taken into account. Not everyone knows what's right and what's wrong. There's not quite a clear distinction. I want people who know me to be able to say, "What would Heather do?" and to know that what I would do is what Jesus would've done and what God wants me to do. To know that if what I'm doing is approved by them, that it is very much the right thing to do.

I wish that I had been a better friend and done my job by helping to hold my friend accountable for fudging on this.

It's just a sign. But it's also an inconvienence to those that now have to deal with the replacement of it. It's some one's money, some one's time. Taking that sign was still stealing, and so was asking someone to take it for you. Stealing is a sin. That's not gray. And it's definitely not white.

Excerpt from an E-mail

"I think I'm having one of those days...Ugh, I've just felt so...I don't even know all day today. I had a crappy night last night because I was watching mom's dog for her and he wouldn't let me sleep. Then I've just been off all day today. And now I'm sitting here next to a five page 'document' from my Devil-Incarnate anatomy professor that I'm going to have to make in to a 'flow sheet.' I'm being harsh, but I really, really don't like her at this moment. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated and I'm starting to feel Depressed which is really just the beginning of the end and since I have to function for the next several hours and tomorrow, I'm trying to fight it.

Also, I've been thinking about...your wedding and eventual moving away and for some reason it's really really hard. And I can't really figure out why. I mean, you've lived far away these past four years and it's been okay. I'm still sort of freaked out because I haven't met him, even though I feel dumb about that. Maybe that's not even it at all. Maybe I just feel like I still need you and this whole thing, while super good for you, just kind of leaves me feeling a little left in the dust. You're moving up and on in life, as you should. And I'm happy and excited for you. Remember that, okay? But I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't be offended if I'm a little scared, too. I'm just now realizing..."

The end of it was happier, I promise.

'Cause that's not what Life is for.

As I was walking back to my dorm this evening, listening to the rain around me, and to the crickets and frogs and other night things, avoiding worms on the sidewalk, and swinging my umbrella around but not using it, I wondered why campus couldn't always be that peaceful. Why life couldn't always be that peaceful. Why it couldn't be as peaceful as raindrops at night, or being cozied up on a couch with friends, or painting, or many other things. Why couldn't our existence just be a bunch of those moments strung together? I wondered about these things as I walked back to my dorm room this evening.

Even though I already knew the answer.

Never pray for patience.

It's no more mystery,

It is finally clear to me

You're the home my heart searched for so long.

And it is you I have loved all along.

~Dana Glover (It Is You I Have Loved)

Okay, corny, I know. But as my iPod was playing this song, I remembered a conversation I'd had the other day with Greta about Heavenly Father's message to me about "my someone." (For the record, I feel a bit silly talking about this, but I still think it's blog-worthy. I promise it's not all I think about.) I can't remember how the conversation started, but something caused me to tell her that I'll be really disappointed if I don't know that I've met him. Then, a few years down the road, when I'm telling the man I'm going to marry about all this, he'll say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009." Then I'd say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009!!" So I mean, it wouldn't be all bad, because I'll be getting married to someone eventually. I'd just really like this message to mean that I'm going to meet him and be friends with him...

I was a little off for awhile today. It was during that period that this song came on. Sometimes, it would be really nice to have a someone to call during those moments. Someone I wouldn't feel... I'm not sure, really. I've been working so hard the past few years to not be...gah, I can't really put it in to words. Hmm... I've been trying to become less...dependant? I've run into problems with friends over the years, and rightfully so. So sometimes I feel that it would be nice to have someone who I'm supposed to lean on. So I get impatient. Which brings me to another thought, actually.

We had a speaker at IVCF on Wednesday, and he spoke on patience. He brought with him the Webster's Dictionary definition of the word:

"the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient."

Which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is extremely helpful. Ha. Fortunately, the speaker didn't think this was very useful either, so he also brought the definition of the word "patient":

"bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint."

Without complaint. Just do it. Basically, as our speaker concluded, being patient is being obedient. So out of obedience to the Lord, I need to try to wait patiently for the right time. The time when I get to meet him, and know he is him. He's being prepared for me, and I need to make sure I'm prepared for him. If I'm being impatient about it, then I'm not being obedient, and if I'm not being obedient, then I'm not being the best person I can be, so I'm not ready for him.

The End.

And we'll have a song.

Since I got to school, I've been "church hopping" with friends every Sunday. We like visiting the different churches in the area. Today, I went to a new one and I really really liked it. I'll probably go back every other Sunday. (On the other two Sundays a month I go to my friend's new church with her.)

This church has a few young married couples and I couldn't help but think about how I can't wait to go to church with my husband on Sundays, and then eventually with our family. His arm around the back of my seat, people greeting us as a couple, someone to talk with about what we learned in church that day, and, most importantly, someone who shares my faith and desires to grow in his as I grow in mine. I want to meet a man who can be that for me.

Looking around that room this morning got me to thinking about the fact that within the year I'll meet him. I don't wonder why God clued me in to this fact--I need to be preparing myself. I want to be ready for the man that is being prepared for me. What I do wonder is where. Where will I meet him? Not at school. I think those very few options have been exhausted, and it's going to be someone I'd not met yet in July anyway. There was a pretty nice looking guy in church today. Heh, I'm just kidding. Well, he was good looking. ;) But I'm not obsessively looking for my future husband. Or really all that actively looking. Every guy has potential, but every guy had potential before God let me in on part of His plan. Just because I know one of them will be my Someone, doesn't mean I'm letting myself get all hyped up about it. I'm grateful that God has given me the strength and confidence to approach it that way.

Someday, someday soon, I will meet my Someone.

Swimming in the Job Pool

I hate job searching. I really do. It makes me anxious; though I suppose that is a normal reaction to the process. I guess I didn't realize how spoiled I was, having a job for four years. And before that, I had my first job for almost two years.

When I came back to school this semester, I put off calling the Starbucks here. At the end of Spring semester, I was frustrated with my manager about things involving getting shifts off. Well, I was vocal about it to a few people--out of frustration as well as for the purpose of seeking advice--and I was apparently frustrated in front of some wrong person because when I finally did get a hold of my manager...well, I'm not welcome back at that store. It's a new experience for me. I've not really ever worked with someone that I clashed with like I do with her, let alone a manager. But we never really did click. Oh, well. I wasn't looking forward to working with her again anyway, so this is for the best. I didn't get fired, I'm still a Starbucks employee so I can work when I go home. God knew I wouldn't do anything about the situation myself (except gripe and complain about it) so He took care of it. Don't get along with Amy? No longer a problem.

I still need money, however, so I need a job. So far I've applied to Barnes and Noble, Borders, Hallmark, and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't really want to have to learn too many new things, and I don't want another job that is as high stress as Starbucks can be. I figured book stores and the other retail stores would be good. When I turned in the application at Bed Bath and Beyond, the guy sort of looked over it and then asked me if I would come back the next day for a "second interview." I was a little shocked, but I figured it was a good sign. The interview was yesterday. I'd put on the application that I could start work this Friday, but then I got to thinking that maybe I wanted to wait to hear from the other jobs. I said something about it during the interview and now I'm not sure I'm glad I said something. I'm not sure what the guy made of it. A friend told me, "You know you're not going to be hired now, right?" and that messed with me. I felt really discouraged afterwards, when I'd felt so excited going in to it. After awhile, I calmed down and felt a bit better about it. God has it handled. I'll get a job, and it will be the one I'm meant to have. One rocky interview doesn't mean anything. Even if I'm not used to rocky interviews...

I supposed this whole process is meant to humble me. I'm not used to managers not liking me, and I'm not used to people not wanting me to work for them once they've met me. We'll see. It will work out.

"But I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun."

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start taking medication again. Except...I guess I really don't think I do. I'm still feeling "crooked" with my happiness jockeying with other, less happy feelings.

I hate the feeling that there's something over my shoulder, or just around the bend...the feeling of walking around under some dark cloud so that I can't experience my happy moments to the fullest. Or something. Heh, I'm getting kind of confused, actually.

Last night was really good. My roommate turned 21 and we took her out to dinner. I've not been hanging out with that group of friends lately because sometimes they tease me a bit too much (well, not really, but it's too hard to explain). I love them dearly, and it felt really good to have that wonderful night with them.

I was a bit shocked this morning to wake up to engagement pictures on facebook. I mean, I knew Allie and Carl were getting engaged. They've basically been engaged since summer. But it was a bit of...a blow. Of some kind. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy for them. I'm more excited for Allie than I think I'm capeable of expressing. I'm still a smidge weirded out by the fact that I've never met Carl and I'm nervous about what the future will hold as far as my friendship with Allie. They say time will tell, so I'm going to be patient. In the mean time I'm going to be really really happy for my dearest friend.

<3

I'll see about lifting this cloud that's been haunting me too...

From the Inside Out

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise...

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord."

~ "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United

If I learned anything this summer, I learned that I was wrong about how much I trusted Heavenly Father. I figured, "Okay, cool. Got it down. Check that one off the list." Wrong. Really wrong. I can't remember ever getting so many obvious...signs?... in such a short amount of time. Basically, I would freak out about whatever situation and then He would fix it so I realized that I just needed to trust Him, or I would freak out about whatever situation until I realized that I needed to trust Him and then He would fix it. So I'm trying to work on it. Last night at Bible study I realized that it is not my first reaction to bring my problems to Him. I freak out about it first and have several very selfish moments, and then I ask Him for help. So I'm trying to work on that, too.

I found out this morning that I'm not welcome back at Starbucks. Here at school, that is. I mean, I sort of saw it coming. Sort of. Anyway, I figure I wasn't really looking forward to working with that manager again, so this is just Heavenly Father's way of...nudging me in a different direction, away from Starbucks. Eventually I'll quit the company all together, move on with life. For now I'll work there when I go home. Hopefully... So I've started looking for a job. I hate job searching. It's one reason that I've been at the Bucks for almost four years now. Anyway. The point is, when I found out for sure that I wasn't going back and I didn't have a job, I prayed about it [almost] right away. So yeah. I'm trying.

Sometimes, the world feels quite large.

Being back at school is accompanied by both a feeling of joy and one of loneliness. It's odd to have such conflicting feelings dwelling inside of me at once. Both are tied to dear friends, and I am in turns feeling ecstatic to be back with my school "family" and detached from others I care about...
I am so blessed by the people in my life. I try to never forget that or take it for granted, and I'm lucky because Heavenly Father gives me reminders every single day. I'm so grateful He saw fit to give me the friends He has.

While I'm here at school, I'm accepted and valued by a number of people. The feeling is mutual, but there's the smaller group of them that I have special ties with. I don't have all of these ties completely figured out, but that's okay. I'm enjoying it all for what it is. And trying not to think about the fact that this is my last year, my last two semesters with them. Last [one] semester with Greta... It's funny, God's timing. Three and a half more months of the relationship that has been growing the most, most quickly. Well, I mean, it's not going to end, but add time and distance...it won't be as happy and easy as it is now. Oh, well. I'm not dwelling on such thoughts. I love being here. I love being with them. That's all that matters. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and try to help make it work when we're not all in the same place at the same time.

The bitter-sweetness that has become some of my other friendships is an odd partner to the euphoria I feel when things are going well here. I'm used to friends being far away, and yet I've never been able to become overly fond of it. Go figure. I s'pose I was spoiled a bit over summer, always having a brother and sister to call on, to laugh with, to be with. As I read back now I see that I'm being a bit misleading. I really did mean the bitter-sweet part. It's not all bitter. I'm excited for Allie as she is at the threshold of her new life. (I couldn't help being just a bit cliché there.) She's in love and he is wonderful, and I'm so happy for her. That part is sweet. Even if I do miss her like crazy at times. (Heh.) More bitterness comes from missing Carolyn. I guess maybe I'd not made a complete mental adjustment after hearing that she was transferring? I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling about the situation, because I know I miss her, but something is keeping me from trying to stay in touch with her. I do know that I feel discouraged because I'm not a priority for her, but I'm also trying to be understanding about that because I don't really expect to be, nor should I be. I just miss her and the rock that she sometimes was for me here. Again, not all bitterness though. I feel that she made the right choice to switch schools, I'm proud of her for having the courage to do it, and I'm happy that she's started dating someone. As I said, bitter-sweet.

In other news, I've not let school stress me out too much yet, though it's only the...third week? I've been keeping a good attitude about my classes and my professors, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. Relationships (both spiritual and earthly), my mental and spiritual health and IVCF, priorities. So is doing the best I can in my classes, seeing as that's why I'm here. Stressing out about how well I'm going to do on a test or about how much work I have to do? Those just don't make that list. So far, so good.

I'll just quietly continue to harbor my strange, conflicting feelings and take each day as it comes. I don't plan on feeling the loneliness this entire semester. It will run it's course. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.

My Someone

Goodnight, my someone,

Goodnight, my love,

Sleep tight, my someone,

Sleep tight, my love.

Our star is shining it's brightest light

For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might.

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

True love can be whispered from heart to heart

When lovers are parted, they say

But I must depend on a wish and a star

As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,

If dreams there be.

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may, and i wish they might,

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

Goodnight,

Goodnight.

Except I'm not depending on "a wish and a star," I'm depending on Heavenly Father.  He recently revealed to be that I'm going to meet "my someone" within the year.  I'm working very hard to trust Him because to be honest, the time-line-thing there frightens me.  But the Lord knows what's best for me, and as a dear friend pointed out, He doesn't want me to be confused and sad as I've started to feel, he wants me to be happy.

It's still very much in the works.  I've begun preparing myself, and more and more of my questions are being answered... that is, after I've figured out what to ask.  Prayer works.  *nod*

It's all about Perspective...

How hard life seems from this angle. When I'm here, practically in the thick of it. The stress I left has a foreseeable end. The stress I've come back to... I can neither understand it, nor find the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are bright moments--moments that I cling to--but the knowledge looms like the most cliche black cloud. It's like driving in and out of a rain storm...one that is headed in the same direction I am...

I keep praying for perspective. A reminder that in the grand scheme of things, this is nowhere near as big as it seems. And yet it's bigger than the stress at school; more serious. But maybe only slightly...? I don't know. I've not mastered keeping the other stress in perspective, so I'm not sure how well this is going to go.

Perspective. It's all about perspective...

Everyone has their ups and downs...right?

Is it the weather? Is it the stress of school? Was I just on a high for too long, and now I'm paying for that pleasure?

Stop the ride! I wanna get off!

Ok, maybe not... I'd forgotten what this feels like. It's not terrible...just...I prefer the happiness and excitement I felt on a daily basis. Duh, right? The past few days I've just felt...unsteady. Not high, almost low, but...never really stable. Some sort of roller coaster with very short slopes.

I think there is some sort of battle going on inside of me. Depression vs....what? God? Well, yes. But more specifically? I guess if I could figure that out I could help it win.

I want the sun to come back out. I want to stop feeling...paranoid about my new friends. That always seems to happen eventually... *sigh* I'll just spend less time with them. Just because I'm so happy in their presence doesn't mean they're always as psyched about it as I am. Oh, well.

Garbled.

High On Life

I had a conversation about someone this evening, and as I was driving home I just felt so....elated. This person is no longer in my life, and I don't think I could be happier about it--which is odd in a way. (In case you hadn't guessed, I'm talking about Lost.) I'm so much better off now, but a few months ago I was doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Now that it has, life is good. So good. In part because of the absence of Lost, but also in part because of...well, me. Mama Kahn told me earlier that I take any little bit (help, support, love, etc.) given to me, and run with it. I hadn't thought of it that way before. It is one thing that separates me from her. I tend not to self-destruct, and she has quite a talent for it. It's unfortunate, really. Though I still have bitter feelings toward her and toward the situation, I really and truly wish her the best out of life. I just can't see her getting it, and that saddens me.

I love the direction my life is headed in, and even more than that, I love that I can actually feel the momentum. It's an....exciting? Enthralling? Thrilling? I can't find the right word! None are good enough. It's a/an ______ sensation. Anyway, it feels pretty great. I'm going to graduate in three semesters, I'm going to go to grad school, I'm going to have a career that I'll love, someone and I are going to find each other, we're going to get married and have beautiful children. And everything between now and then...well, if I manage to keep things in perspective, it can be that simple. Everything in between can just roll on by. Not to say that other things won't matter, such as friendships and family and related events, but I don't think any of that will turn out to be a major milestone. I know stress will get the better of me at least a few times, and I'm sure the Lord has a few trials planned for me along the way, and then there's the whole, "We plan, He laughs" thing, but for right now, it really feels this simple.

Perspective. I can't forget. Reminders along the way are welcome. Alla, you're especially good at that, and I thank you for all the times you've given me much needed perspective. For now, I'm high on life and I'm going to enjoy it.

Just a girl that I know...

To me, a friend is someone I would want to share the joys in my life with; someone with whom I would maybe want to share my sorrows.

She is not one of those people anymore. I don't trust her, and I don't get a warmish feeling when I think about her. It sounds sad, but I just don't think of her as a friend anymore. The situation is strange for me because the few times something like this has happened, it was decided for me that whatever person and I were no longer friends.

*sigh* It is too late at night for this to make any sense. Maybe I'll rewrite it later.

"I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."

There are three words that, when strung together in a particular order to form a certain sentence, mean quite a lot to me.

When I love, I love unconditionally. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, it's just a fact observed by others that I have come to know is true. It has always been pretty easy for me to love others. I love to love them. It is how Heavenly Father programed me. I love unconditionally, and I love fiercely and faithfully.

And it is because of this that I sometimes get confused when others don't seem to love me the way I love them. I've not yet experienced "romantic love," so I'm not sure what situations like that are going to turn out like. What I am most specifically referring to here are my friendships.

I've gotten lucky a few times, don't get me wrong, but it also seems that I keep getting burned. I act as though I'm not as sensitive as I once was, and it is true that I've learned new ways to cope with different things, but some times, some thing just....cuts me. I'm sure it is true for everyone.

He gave me this strength, so now I need to pin point my weaknesses and ask Him how to go about repairing them...

I write this in a perfectly calm, thoughtful state. I've just been pondering the concept of love on and off for quite some time now. I wanted to put down a few of my thoughts.

Anyone else? Thoughts? (Extra points if you can name that song!)

Nothing better than a little good conversation. Except a lot of it.

I'm home for a long weekend this weekend. So far, it's been really nice.

I got my teeth cleaned and then chauffeured mi madre around for her annual MRI and consult appointments.

I also got a chance to hang out with Gemini Thing for about an hour. It was nice because we thought we weren't going to be able to see each other until tomorrow. We've been talking quite a bit lately, and we'd finally made plans to hang out. It turned out that we both had a bit of time today, so we met up. Very enjoyable. Oh, also, apparently Lost has been giving her crap because Gem "can" talk to me and hang out with me, and she "can't." Or something like that. I'm just kind of like, "Who made up those rules? Where did they even come from?" I am getting a bit of twisted pleasure out of the whole thing though....

I'm seeing Lost for a bit tomorrow night, so....I might have a story. Maybe. I kind of hope not, though.

All day today, Lexi was in the front of my mind. I just felt that today would have been a great day to share with her. In person, that is. I have days like that sometimes. I'm going about my day, doing whatever, and I just feel that it would be perfect if some person were there to do it all with me. Today it was Lexi. Actually, it is often Lexi. In other news, we had an awesome conversation online last night:

"Ha, a whole house to the two of us....for two weeks....we could get in to so much trouble..."

Hee hee. I can't wait. Look out, Utah!

Ok, so anyway. After hanging out with Gem, I went to see my favorite Cuban friend, FridgeBoy. Well, I wanted to see Cherchante, and Mama and Papa Khan, too. More good times. I love that house (not to mention that family). FB and I (<-- LoL! Get it? Ha!) went on a reeeeeally long walk around that one lake, with our usual special twist to it. It was just like old times. Just like old times except the conversation was slightly....older? I'm not sure how to put it. It was great, though. I love that kid. He'll be 17 on Sunday! I can't even believe it. *sigh* All of "my kids" are growing up. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. Or you know, never. I'm not sure yet.

Ok, The End.