Just some thoughts.

The first thought is vagueish with some back story: I had an interesting conversation with a new friend this weekend. I am really impressed by how this friend can be so so frustrated at God and still have such a heartfelt desire to spread His light at the same time. However, that is not what made the conversation interesting. What was interesting was how I felt while thinking back over the conversation the next morning. As I was headed home from PA I just felt so...deliciously purposeful. At the time the only word that would come to mind was "inspired" but really "purposeful" is better. It felt good! Basically, I am going to do what I can to make as much money as I can to be able to seriously attack my school loans. (Our conversation wasn't about money, for the record.) With out getting in to the boring nitty gritty, it has to do with being a responsible adult and it involves the family I hope to have one day. I just need to get with it.

The second thought is more of a question. I've been single...well, always really. I've been on dates (like, 2 of them) and at one time I was "going out" with someone for a week or so, but....yeah none of that reeeally counts. So I find myself "considering" pretty much every man I meet. It's really pathetic and frustrating, just so you know. Anyway, that brings me to the question: Do you ever count yourself out? Or count the other person out for that matter. I mean...think things like, "We couldn't work because..." "He wouldn't like...about me." "I'm not sure...is going to fly with me." But really, I have no experience partnering with someone in that way and who am I to say what will work and what won't anyway? I think most of us come up with some sort of list about the kind of person we hope to end up with but mine leads me to wonder if that man really exists. Oh, well. It's not really up to me anyway I guess. God already knows who this guy is so I should just quit fretting.

Nostalgia.

That's a weird word. But what else is weird is being on a college campus again. Weird that it feels so natural. I'm with my college friends, and we're talking about all the same things we used to talk about in college--professors, dorms, classes, text books, people around campus. The one classroom building even smells like Del Val. Heck, there's a random exercise ball rolling around the room. It all just feels so natural. Like my real life is just pretend and school is where I'm supposed to be. (Insert sigh here.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I were still in school. I don't miss the school part of things. I just miss feeling like I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, and spending time with people I was supposed to be with. I miss feeling like I had a purpose. (Also I miss having a freaking social life!)

I think up until they graduate from college (or grad school), most people have school as a constant in their lives. For some of us, it might be the only constant. After graduation, every decision literally becomes a life changing decision. (I was going to put a lame analogy here, but I'll spare you.)

Anyway, I love my friends and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. Hillary, Greta and I even survived the 5 hour car ride in the middle of the night to get here. It's been great to visit Kristin at grad school and it's been really nice to get a taste of the good old days. (I don't have a comment for the end of this section, but enjoy the following picture of us being cute.)

I love taking pictures.

A friend of mine has started a project with another friend of hers, and asked me if I wanted to participate:

365 days. 365 pictures. The concept? Simple. The goal? To showcase the world as we see it, everyday.

The idea behind this mission is to take our everyday lives and put them on the big screen, to turn the ordinary and average into extraordinary and unique. There's beauty in everything, you just need to look for it.

What should you expect? Photographs. Some edited, some raw. Taken with whatever camera we happen to have on us at the time the opportunity strikes us. Updates. Seven pictures, once a week. Diversity. Life doesn't deal with the same things day in and out, and so this project has no boundaries. And captions, because we want to share the meaning behind the photo.

I'm not nearly as ambitious as she and her friend are so I don't think I'll actually manage a picture a day. I do love taking pictures though, and as Steph put it, now I can feel like I have a legit reason to be taking them all the time. =D

I can't remember when I started loving photography so much, but I think it was probably during my first photography class my junior year of high school. I fell in love with the dark room and...creating. To take what I saw and make something physical to share my point of view was just so cool. I went on to take another class my senior year as well as aide for a beginner class.

When I went to Del Val I told people I was giving up my hobbies--theatre and photography--to follow my dream. (Del Val didn't have an arts program.) I just realized as I was planning out this entry that I didn't really give up photography. I got a digital camera and since then I've pretty much had a camera with me at all times.

Lately, it's been more convenient to use my iPod though I'm going to have to fix that because the photo-quality is just not up to my OCD-like standards. ;p Anyway, here is the first installment, the most recent "artsy" shot I've taken:

Taken on my iPod, and a little grainy, but I still like it. To make up for the poor quality of that one, here is my favorite of all my artsy shots so far:

I took this on one of my last days at Del Val on my little Olympus and it is the photograph that I am most proud of so far.

I think I'm going to enjoy this blogging-with-photos thing.

So...this is it.

How do you write about something when you have thought about it and talked about it and prayed about it and dreamt about it and felt about it SO. MUCH. (while all at the same time trying to avoid it completely) that your very soul shrivels ever so slightly at the mere thought of reliving a single second of it again?

I'm not going to Korea.

I think I thought I would feel more relieved to "finally" have an answer, and at first I did but now I'm just...tired. I let myself get so wrapped up in "making a decision" that it has actually affected me physically. And the stupid part is that I was never really making a decision--nor did I want to be--but I let myself feel like I was. I wanted to seek God's will and that's what I let myself believe I was doing except if I had just stopped and freaking listened, I probably would have realized much sooner that I didn't have to go. Yes, I said "have to go" as in, I didn't want to.

I can't pin point the exact moment of no return, but when doors started closing in Korea I got less and less okay with going. (Probably for a reason, duh. Take this as a lesson, imaginary readers. Clean out your Spiritual Listening Ears.) I never really wanted to go, not fully. But I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and that was enough. For awhile. Then doors started closing in SK and doors seemed to be opening here--at the zoo no less. I felt really guilty for not wanting to go, to do what God had called me to do, and I think I knew pretty much the whole time that feeling that way was not the way it was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm a little biased because working at a zoo is my dream and Korea just was so not, but God knows the desires of our hearts. BECAUSE HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course He would take one of the deepest desires of my heart in to consideration when He was planning for my life. I think I thought I could just train my heart not to want that for awhile. That was dumb.

Anyway, God is now calling me to...not go. I think He tried to tell me awhile ago, but I convinced myself that I wasn't being...however I was supposed to be being by not wanting to go, so I didn't listen to Him. I fretted over whether or not what I wanted and what I was doing were "right" or whatever, that I totally totally just...missed it. This probably could have been a very smooth transition from one instruction to the next one, but I just... Ugh. I can't even dwell on this anymore because now I just feel lame.

Wow, sorry this is such a downer entry!

Anyway, it took literally crying out to God in a purely emotional, broken moment to even realize that what I really wanted, deep down at my core was to stay here (in the country). That moment turned out to be necessary (Again, duh.) because it was while reading a devotional yesterday that I finally...let go and let the truth be the truth. I have a new understanding for how David felt:

" I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears."

Psalm 6:6

"Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy."
- Life Application Study Bible Devotion, Day 1

Limbo isn't a state, but Maine is.

"Limbo," as defined by Dictionary.com:

• an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
• a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

I think many of us are guilty of complaining about being in a situation/state of being/phase of life commonly referred to as "limbo." I know I am.

I've been out of school for almost two years now, I'm working at a part time job that I don't always like, I spend a ton of time sitting alone on my little couch in my poorly lit basement playing Farmville researching career options... And I find myself feeling disgruntled because it has got to get better than this. What ever "it" is.

I keep talking at God, "asking" Him to make it better, to help me move on the the next thing. To finally stinking transition already. I tell Him I'm tired of being in limbo and I want what's next. I want to move on. To move out of where I'm at, to move on with my life, to move on to what is next. (See a common theme here yet? No? Here:) I have been wanting to be done with what is happening right now, and start doing the next thing.

I've been thinking lately though. (Dangerous, I know. I promise I won't hurt myself.) In order to get to the next thing, it would make sense that I'd be moving on from something, right? I've always thought of limbo as...nothing. Doing nothing. Experiencing nothing. Nothing worthwhile anyway. But...if I'm going to God because I know He's going to give me what is next, doesn't that mean that He gave me what is now?

This, right now, what I've been experiencing (or I think in my case, missing) is part of my life. Part of the life that God created for me. He crafted these moments that I have been complaining about. How much could I have learned these past few months if I had only been paying attention?

Limbo is not a state of being. I officially refute those definitions! Limbo is a choice. Limbo is an awkward dance game often made more difficult by the use of roller skates and it is a game that I have never enjoyed in the past--and actually avoided--so why, why have I chosen to play this stupid game for so long???

How, though, do we switch from bending over backward in this stupid game just to move forward, to living the moments God has given us?

I don't actually know the answer to that question. Sorry. I don't really have an wisdom to pass on to all two of you who might read this. Believe me, if I did know the answer to that question, I would be even more popular than I already am. (Just kidding. I'm too awesome to be popular. Just kidding. I'm so popular there aren't any more people left to like me, so I can't even get more popular... Just kidding.)

I can tell you that I've decided to be proactive. I'm going to pursue every door that is presented to me, and I'm going to try to be better at listening to God instead of just talking to Him.

I'm also going to find worth in what I'm doing right now, at this stage of my life. I get to see my mom way more than I have in the past few years because I work with her. I get to help out with Overflow and be with camp kids and camp people even though it's not summer. I get to go to Pennsylvania to see my friends pretty much whenever I want. And I'm still figuring out the rest.

So anyway. The moral of the story: Don't play limbo, kids. It's super lame.

"This is why it is said:
'Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.'
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Ephesians 5:14-20

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31