So...this is it.

How do you write about something when you have thought about it and talked about it and prayed about it and dreamt about it and felt about it SO. MUCH. (while all at the same time trying to avoid it completely) that your very soul shrivels ever so slightly at the mere thought of reliving a single second of it again?

I'm not going to Korea.

I think I thought I would feel more relieved to "finally" have an answer, and at first I did but now I'm just...tired. I let myself get so wrapped up in "making a decision" that it has actually affected me physically. And the stupid part is that I was never really making a decision--nor did I want to be--but I let myself feel like I was. I wanted to seek God's will and that's what I let myself believe I was doing except if I had just stopped and freaking listened, I probably would have realized much sooner that I didn't have to go. Yes, I said "have to go" as in, I didn't want to.

I can't pin point the exact moment of no return, but when doors started closing in Korea I got less and less okay with going. (Probably for a reason, duh. Take this as a lesson, imaginary readers. Clean out your Spiritual Listening Ears.) I never really wanted to go, not fully. But I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and that was enough. For awhile. Then doors started closing in SK and doors seemed to be opening here--at the zoo no less. I felt really guilty for not wanting to go, to do what God had called me to do, and I think I knew pretty much the whole time that feeling that way was not the way it was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm a little biased because working at a zoo is my dream and Korea just was so not, but God knows the desires of our hearts. BECAUSE HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course He would take one of the deepest desires of my heart in to consideration when He was planning for my life. I think I thought I could just train my heart not to want that for awhile. That was dumb.

Anyway, God is now calling me to...not go. I think He tried to tell me awhile ago, but I convinced myself that I wasn't being...however I was supposed to be being by not wanting to go, so I didn't listen to Him. I fretted over whether or not what I wanted and what I was doing were "right" or whatever, that I totally totally just...missed it. This probably could have been a very smooth transition from one instruction to the next one, but I just... Ugh. I can't even dwell on this anymore because now I just feel lame.

Wow, sorry this is such a downer entry!

Anyway, it took literally crying out to God in a purely emotional, broken moment to even realize that what I really wanted, deep down at my core was to stay here (in the country). That moment turned out to be necessary (Again, duh.) because it was while reading a devotional yesterday that I finally...let go and let the truth be the truth. I have a new understanding for how David felt:

" I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears."

Psalm 6:6

"Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy."
- Life Application Study Bible Devotion, Day 1

God's got other plans.

The director of the school has decided not to hire me after all. It seemed a little like she was searching for reasons not to, so I guess she just had second thoughts. Ken thinks it's best we look for other schools. So no Eunpyeong SLP for me.

At this moment in time I don't feel too super disappointed or stressed but I think that's because I had a little bit of warning? I don't know.

Anyway, this means that SLP was not a part of God's plan for me. Whatever school I end up with just must be ten thousand times better.

"Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

John 13:7

"Oh, you're interested in kindergarden?

Most others find it very hard."

"Oh really? That's...thanks. Yes, I'm interested in working with younger children...uhh..." What...was that supposed to mean exactly?


This is a few days late, but I feel I have some catching up to do here. That lady I had the interview with? The one curious about my eating habits? (Haha she was very nice!) Well during our first conversation she seemed [pleasantly] surprised that I was interested in teaching younger kids. Apparently, a lot of people found them very challenging (I guess in a negative way). She said she would consider me for the kindergarten program at her school. The next night she called again for a follow-up to our interview and I got the chance to ask her my questions. A few minutes after I got off the phone with her I got a message from Ken, my recruiter, saying I was being offered the job.

Long story short, a couple days later I decided to take the job. I'm still apprehensive about some things (I'm moving out of the country after all) but I really feel that this is the one that God chose for me. I feel good about it. Confident. About this part at least.

Anyway, in mid-February I will leave to begin two weeks of training and in March I will start teaching at Eunpyeong SLP near Gusan station in Seoul. I guess I'm another step closer.

*****

In other news, I just realized I've been spelling "kindergarten" incorrectly for...I don't know how long. It has a "t", not a "d". Just in case you were wondering. Now you're probably also wondering if it's a good idea to make me responsible for teaching our language to young children... Well, let's all just hope my supervisor doesn't start reading my blog.

"Do you eat meat?"

Now that I've officially started the process of interviewing with schools I'm beginning to realize just how much of a culture shock I'm in for when I finally make it to Korea. I mean, it's going to be fine. I'm just amused.

I've only had two interviews so far, so I am in no way an expert on Korean job interviews. However, in both instances the person asked me what I consider to be some pretty random questions. Now originally the goal of this post was to document a few of said amusing questions. As I sat down to write them out though, I realized that I don't remember most of the ones I found funny and those I do remember are not funny out of context.

The one question that I do remember and still find humorous is this one:

"Do you eat meat?"

Obviously this lady* knows far more about the intricacies of hiring an individual to teach a second language to children than I do. Why, yes. Yes I do eat meat. Do carnivorous teachers have an easier time controlling the students?

...

There is probably a method. But maybe just madness.

*The woman who asked me this question was really very sweet and I came away from that interview very pleased.

"Dear God...You want me to go WHERE?!"

A lot has happened since my last post:

I'm no longer a nanny.
I work two and a half days a week at Hot Springs with mom.
I got a Keeper Aide Position at the Small Mammal House on Monday mornings and I love it.
And oh yeah, I'm going to South Korea.

On Valentine's Day, Kara and I were on our way home from meeting Joanna at Cheesecake Factory. We were both talking about how we didn't really have plans after camp this summer, and Kara mentioned that for a long time she's been thinking about going to South Korea to teach English. During the course of our conversation, she decided that's what she was definitely going to do and I started to feel that God was trying to tell me something. I wasn't sure what at the time, just that He wanted me to do something that was going to be way off the track I thought I was on. I later figured out He meant going to South Korea too. It scared the crap out of me. To say the least.

Through lots and lots of prayer and agonizing over the situation, I decided/figured out/whatever that going to South Korea really was what God wanted me to do. That was on March 21st. Since then my head has been spinning over recruiters, paper work, a TESOL course, packing lists, the feeling of time running out and personal insecurities...

I know that this experience is going to be all about being stretched for me... God has big plans for the year I'll be away. Starting in September, I'll be several time zones away from all but one of my [current] friends on the opposite side of the Earth, living on my own [for real] for the first time, in a country where I won't be able to read street signs or the names of products in the stores, where there is strange food and very few people who speak English, doing a job I've never seriously considered before. Just thinking about it all is a very stretching experience. But I know that it is going to be okay. Because God is sending me there.