Someone

Today I discovered an amazing new (to me at least) show on TLC. It's called Spouse vs. House and it's about couples who think they are getting to do a remodel/redesign on three rooms of their house but then they are split up and only one of them (so far it's been the man) gets to do it and they can't see each other or even talk for three weeks. No contact of any kind. For three weeks.

I was really touched by some of the details the men try to add just for their wives (especially the one guy, Ed) but what really got me was how glad they all were to see each other at the end of those three weeks. I think every single couple I saw mentioned something about how they had never been apart for that long before,and they definitely had not gone that long with out communicating. When reunited, they didn't even want to talk about the remodel at first, they just wanted to touch each other, drink each other in.

I don't think I can say that I really struggle with being single. I'm actually okay with it for the most part--I don't really feel that I have a "ticking clock" and I don't think about it all day every day or anything like that. I mean, some days are harder than others but generally, I'm fine. Today was one of those harder days I think.

I think it would be really nice to...have someone. I'm not entirely sure what that means or entails, but I do think it would feel nice.

Oh, well. I guess first I need to work on being in places where I can even just be around guys. I've actually been really missing having guy friends lately too. *sigh* Work in progress.

So much.

So much love, so much change, so much hope, so much thinking, so much wanting, so much waiting, so much confusion, so much gloom, so much searching, so much finding, so much confidence, so much possibility, so much purpose, so much happiness, so much friendship, so much gratitude...

So much.

Jumbled thoughts, jumbled words.

Dear you,

I grew up.

I'll always care about you. Give me a call if you ever catch up.

~ me


The end of the friendship? She won't fight for me--for it. I gave all I could. It has to be her "turn" because I've done all I can. Most of the time now I don't really feel loss. I feel a bit sad for her because she's the one who lost something. I was a great friend to her. I know I was. Not trying to "toot my horn", but I know it's true. I love with all my heart. It's what I'm good at. And I love to do it. Sometimes, I wish she would wake up and know what to do to fix our friendship. I want to know that she wants to. We had a good thing for awhile there. It's so strange to go from knowing every single thing about a person to knowing almost nothing. And what I do know is not from her. I miss her, and I'm frustrated at myself for it. At least I don't dwell on it very often. Or even for very long. *sigh*

I'm so grateful for the friends who work with me to help our friendships grow. I'm grateful to them for being there for me--being here for me. I'm grateful for the friends who actively care about me.

I am blessed. I am. And I'm more healthy than I was before.

It's all going to be great.