Not In My Timing

When Camp ended and I went back to "just work" I was nervous.  Nervous because in my typical day-to-day life, I spend a lot of time alone.  I spend a lot of time alone and I don't particularly enjoy my job.  Because I don't enjoy being being alone and I don't always enjoy my job, I was not looking forward to Camp ending.  Camp was something to get up for in the morning.  It was something to look forward to during the day.  It meant people to love on and spend time with, a community.

Something that I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect.  The transition from Camp and work back to just work was not nearly as terrible as I had been expecting.  For the first couple weeks, my friends were still around and Britni and I started a fun new project so I had something to be excited about.  Also, a few other counselors and I organize a youth group for the teens at Camp and we began getting the ball rolling for that.  I got nervous again when friends started going back to school though.  Not all of them went very far, but they all have their own lives at school.  I was in college once--it's your whole world while you're there and that's how it should be.  Knowing this, I did not anticipate feeling great when people went back to their lives at school.

Something I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect.  During the summer, I volunteered at my church's Sunday school (Promiseland) and right around the time that camp was ending, a girl that I'd met once or twice before was volunteering on the same Sunday I was.  We got to talking, and we both mentioned the fact that we wished there was more of a ministry for college graduates/20 somethings at Cedarbrook.  A few days later I found out she was starting a small group and she wanted me to join.  Around the same time, the Youth Pastor asked me if I would consider helping out during the school year too.  I said heck yeah!  Well, as I began to get nervous about friends going back to school, he asked if I would be able to be a "full timer" and come every Sunday instead of just a "half" coming two Sundays a month.  I have been going to Cedarbrook Community Church for about three years now and I've been wanting to get plugged in more and more.  At first I couldn't seem to get my foot in firmly, and now things just seem to be falling in my lap.  I've since gone to a meeting about Promiseland as well as another special event for people getting involved in ministry at Cedarbrook.  I've met new people at church and I've realized I already know more people than I thought.  Community is great.

I have been really enjoying myself the past couple of weeks getting ready for the start up of the youth group, starting at Promiseland, and anticipating the beginning of the new small group.  God has given me things to keep busy with.  It doesn't matter that I don't particularly like my job because my job is no longer my only purpose.  It is a great feeling.

I am excited and slightly intimidated by the fact that some of the activities God is filling my life with are pretty much directly related to furthering His Kingdom. As followers of Christ, we should be out there, actively spreading His word and love and truth and I've never felt that I have done a very good job of it.  Now it's like I'm really on the front lines.  I feel like He is sort of giving me more responsibility.

Anyway.  God is great and I'm not sure why I can't quite seem to get it through my thick skull that His timing is perfect.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..."
 Jeremiah 29:11

Planting Community

There is a community garden near the house where I dogsit. I'd say there are about 15 to 18 plots in it. I saw it at the beginning of spring when all the gardeners were getting their plots ready and it was cool because each plot was at a different stage. Some were covered in weeds still, some were at various stages of being planted and, some even had some sprouts coming up. I went back today and it was cool to see the changes that had happened. These people all seem like pros, too. There were all different kinds of stakes and cages for tomatoes to grow on, one plot even had a little hoop house tunnel thing!

I really like the idea of a community garden (even though I personally have space for a "real" garden). I like garden-y things in general, and having an excuse to work outside is nice, but I think what is so attractive to me about a community garden is the communing part. Or at least the potential to commune.

What a cool way to meet people! And then, what a cool way to forge relationships! And especially in a place like this part of Maryland where community-building doesn't usually make it on to people's priority lists, let alone on their top-ten list.

These people share space and materials, they have at least one similar goal, and they have unique opportunities to work with one another and help each other out. And they can literally plant seeds of community in each other's lives.

I like the idea of community gardens.

Composition 101: Adjust your viewpoint to add a unique twist to a subject. Perspective, perspective, perspective!

How Not to Deal With Problems Driving

I like driving on back roads, going so fast that I can't think about anything but when to use the brakes--and maybe the words to the music that fills the car and my mind--even if I wanted to. Then there's no room in my head for any reflections, anxieties, frustrations or plans--I'm totally in the moment. There's something so freeing about being locked on the here and now, conscious only of the twists in the road, the pressure of my hands on the steering wheel and how many inches my toe needs to travel to make it to the brake pedal. If I drive fast enough, long enough, any negativity is forced so deep into the back of my mind that I can close the lid on that box I've built there.

WWJD?

Greta and I had an interesting conversation last night. Interesting in a good way.

Sometimes when I say things (sentences), I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from/why I'm saying them, but I find myself repeating them in a conversation and feeling them literally resounding through me. It is then that I figure out where they came from/why I'm saying them. Heavenly Father has a funny way of doing that to me. Last night was one of those times. I actually stopped the conversation to jot down some notes, so I could record them here.

Anyway, we'd started discussing how a few of our friends had done something pretty funny, but that it made us uncomfortable. Hillary had asked some boys to take a sign for her. There was a no swimming or ice skating sign by the little pond on campus, and she gave a couple of them boxes of cheezits to bring it to her. And like, yeah, it's pretty funny. It's funny that she thought of it, it's funny that they brought it to her, it's funny that she has it hanging in her room now. But it's still wrong. Greta and I think that now the fun is over, they should give it back, though we've not tried to tell Hillary this yet. The other day, when we were sharing with her that she probably shouldn't have done it, she wasn't really receiving it well. She didn't get defensive quite, but she definitely thought we were being silly/stupid for worrying about "just a sign." I stopped trying to talk to her about it.

The situation still makes me uncomfortable though. It really got me thinking. Talking it out with Greta helped me come to some important conclusions.

Hillary is one of my best friends and she is a very good person and I respect her and love her very much. But as good a person as she is, Hillary is an example of someone who seems to fudge the little things sometimes. That is unfortunate because it is the little things that get us--little things add up. When we go back to the Father at the end of our days, it's going to be those little things that are gold stars on our "records." Black and white? That's easy. "Don't commit murder." Okay, cool. Got it. Obey authority? For example, don't speed. It's the law. It might be dumb, but it's the law. It is wrong to speed. Rules like that are not quite as easy to "accommodate" sometimes. It's a gray area. It's "fudgable." I fudge on it frequently in fact. It's those little things, those gray areas that The Enemy uses to trip us up. To guide our feet further and further along a slippery slope. Pile on enough little things, you'll slip.

And if we're not worried about ourselves, about our own salvation, what about non-believers? What about "greener" Christians? Shouldn't we be at least be worried about them? They look to us for an example of what is right. We become the standard for what is good. It may not be a conscious decision made by anyone involved, but the fact is we're being watched and our actions are being noticed and taken into account. Not everyone knows what's right and what's wrong. There's not quite a clear distinction. I want people who know me to be able to say, "What would Heather do?" and to know that what I would do is what Jesus would've done and what God wants me to do. To know that if what I'm doing is approved by them, that it is very much the right thing to do.

I wish that I had been a better friend and done my job by helping to hold my friend accountable for fudging on this.

It's just a sign. But it's also an inconvienence to those that now have to deal with the replacement of it. It's some one's money, some one's time. Taking that sign was still stealing, and so was asking someone to take it for you. Stealing is a sin. That's not gray. And it's definitely not white.

So much.

So much love, so much change, so much hope, so much thinking, so much wanting, so much waiting, so much confusion, so much gloom, so much searching, so much finding, so much confidence, so much possibility, so much purpose, so much happiness, so much friendship, so much gratitude...

So much.

Poeticness?

The other night, as I walked along the wet sidewalk, in and out of the light, passing under the street lights, I tip-toed around the earthworms that had oozed out of their telluric homes to worship the rain. As I went along, I pondered about how poetic it all was: I hated the spaces between the street lights because I had no idea if I was stepping on any of the poor worms. It was amazing how a little illumination helped...

Today I was haunted by the ghouls of my all-to-recent-past... Have they invented black holes to tie around fingers yet?

This entry was going to be a lot better. I lost all my thoughts, though. My apologies.

It doesn't even matter.

FridgeBoy made me another mix. I love the mixes he gives me, even if I don't listen to them over and over all the time like I do with my other CDs. Anyway, one of the songs he put on it made me think of this situation with Lost:

In The End

It starts with

One thing; I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know: time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know

Wasted it all just to

Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme

To remind myself how

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so far

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me

In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

~ Linkin Park

I've not gotten a reply to my last e-mail. I guess it's over. All of that....all that love, all that laughter, all the trust and happiness...it doesn't even matter. Well, in a way it does. That was a high point in my life. I hope it was in hers, too.

If you ever catch up, give me a call.

~me

My thoughts on Heroes.

I don't have a hero. I mean, I don't think I do. This uncertainty causes me to feel that I just don't have one. There are people I look up to: my mom, my dad, Mama and Papa Khan, Aunt Eller, my uncle P and aunt C...those are the top 7 anyway. Well, as far as "elders" go... I look up to friends and peers of mine, but in a different way. That can be an entry for another day. (Hey! I'm a poet, and didn't know it!)

Now, I'm not saying that I need a hero—nor that people in general need heroes. For some, a hero is an important part in werf's life. For others, guidance comes from elsewhere. Neither group of people is better than the other, only different. Why do some have heroes, and others don't? Now, I'm using "hero" as slightly different than a "mentor". In my opinion, one does not have to ever meet one's hero. A mentor implies that werf was guided directly by said mentor. Again, in my opinion.

I think it's so cool to listen to people talking about their hero(s). Or mentor(s) for that matter. Most get this look in their eyes.....a brightness, and excitedness. I enjoy it.

Someday, I want to inspire that look in someone's eyes.