Just call me "Little Bits."

This past weekend, I went to visit my grandpa. I went to visit him because a little while ago, we found out he was dying. He has cancer in his lung, bone marrow, and blood stream. It will most likely metastasize in his brain as well.

This particular grandfather, my mom's father, has been on the outs with most of his five children for about 20 years—my entire life. G-pa likes to have things his way. He wants things thought about and/or preformed his way, and when they're not, or people put up too much of a fight about it, well, it's just not good. He is very critical. The only ones that have been able to stay on his good side (for the most part) are my mother and aunt. My three uncles decided to move on with their lives, and not include him as part of them. One uncle doesn't even want to see him even now.

Anyway, I've not seen G-pa in a few years. Not since his wife died (my "step grandmother"). We used to go once a year around Thanksgiving and my birthday. I even have my own room in his house. Well, I consider it mine. I just stayed in the same one every time. We stopped going to see him a few years ago, but I can't remember why. He has not been able to get to know me as the person I have become. See, it's pretty safe to say G-pa is just not good with kids. Anyway, the look on his face when we were having our discussions....I've never really seen him look like that. I impressed him. My grandfather is not easily impressed, let me tell you. Mostly it was that I surprised him, but still.

He said a few things that were very out of character for him. He was telling me how he "wish[ed] for [me] a soul mate." And he said he was proud of me. That surprised me the most. I even had to take a few seconds to recover before I could respond. He even gave me a nickname: Little Bits. I like it. A lot. It means a lot to me, this sort of term of endearment from him.

I keep thinking about how I'm just getting to know him, and in about 8 weeks or so, he won't be here anymore. Before this weekend I didn't really feel anything about him dying. A few times this weekend, I almost started crying. I wouldn't let myself in front of him or mom, but when I went to bed that night, I didn't want to cry alone. I suppose I've put my "mourning" on hold for a little while longer even though I know how I feel now.

I'm actually going to miss him. I think maybe a lot.

"I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."

There are three words that, when strung together in a particular order to form a certain sentence, mean quite a lot to me.

When I love, I love unconditionally. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, it's just a fact observed by others that I have come to know is true. It has always been pretty easy for me to love others. I love to love them. It is how Heavenly Father programed me. I love unconditionally, and I love fiercely and faithfully.

And it is because of this that I sometimes get confused when others don't seem to love me the way I love them. I've not yet experienced "romantic love," so I'm not sure what situations like that are going to turn out like. What I am most specifically referring to here are my friendships.

I've gotten lucky a few times, don't get me wrong, but it also seems that I keep getting burned. I act as though I'm not as sensitive as I once was, and it is true that I've learned new ways to cope with different things, but some times, some thing just....cuts me. I'm sure it is true for everyone.

He gave me this strength, so now I need to pin point my weaknesses and ask Him how to go about repairing them...

I write this in a perfectly calm, thoughtful state. I've just been pondering the concept of love on and off for quite some time now. I wanted to put down a few of my thoughts.

Anyone else? Thoughts? (Extra points if you can name that song!)

Learn something new everyday.

According to my belly button, I am, "gentle, loving, cautious, sensitive, and prone to worry" as well as, "a modest, even-tempered person with a quiet, retiring personality."

Interesting.

Thanks for the link,Whistler!

Oh, Hitler.

Warning: please take the following entry with a grain of salt. All statements made in jest.

There is a thing I say, and most people do not know the story behind this thing that I say. I have decided to tell this story, because sometimes when I say it, things can get a bit sticky if people don't know why I said it.

*sounds of throat clearing*

So one day, my friends Bora and Imp were walking through a bookstore. They passed a book about Hitler, and Bora said, "Oh, Hitler." And then Imp says, "Why'd ya do it?" And it was funny. So they brought it into everyday conversation. Over time, the statement evolved to, "Oh, [insert name here], why'd ya do it?" And then finally just, "Oh, [insert name here]." We throw Hitler in there every once in awhile for fun.

Ok, that's my story. Or explanation. Or something.

Nothing better than a little good conversation. Except a lot of it.

I'm home for a long weekend this weekend. So far, it's been really nice.

I got my teeth cleaned and then chauffeured mi madre around for her annual MRI and consult appointments.

I also got a chance to hang out with Gemini Thing for about an hour. It was nice because we thought we weren't going to be able to see each other until tomorrow. We've been talking quite a bit lately, and we'd finally made plans to hang out. It turned out that we both had a bit of time today, so we met up. Very enjoyable. Oh, also, apparently Lost has been giving her crap because Gem "can" talk to me and hang out with me, and she "can't." Or something like that. I'm just kind of like, "Who made up those rules? Where did they even come from?" I am getting a bit of twisted pleasure out of the whole thing though....

I'm seeing Lost for a bit tomorrow night, so....I might have a story. Maybe. I kind of hope not, though.

All day today, Lexi was in the front of my mind. I just felt that today would have been a great day to share with her. In person, that is. I have days like that sometimes. I'm going about my day, doing whatever, and I just feel that it would be perfect if some person were there to do it all with me. Today it was Lexi. Actually, it is often Lexi. In other news, we had an awesome conversation online last night:

"Ha, a whole house to the two of us....for two weeks....we could get in to so much trouble..."

Hee hee. I can't wait. Look out, Utah!

Ok, so anyway. After hanging out with Gem, I went to see my favorite Cuban friend, FridgeBoy. Well, I wanted to see Cherchante, and Mama and Papa Khan, too. More good times. I love that house (not to mention that family). FB and I (<-- LoL! Get it? Ha!) went on a reeeeeally long walk around that one lake, with our usual special twist to it. It was just like old times. Just like old times except the conversation was slightly....older? I'm not sure how to put it. It was great, though. I love that kid. He'll be 17 on Sunday! I can't even believe it. *sigh* All of "my kids" are growing up. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. Or you know, never. I'm not sure yet.

Ok, The End.

I think I like it.

I fell asleep the other night with my own song stuck in my head. I kinda liked it.

I'm not sure if it's any good yet, but it felt really good to get those few lines worked out.

If you don't have anything good to write, don't write anything at all.

' Twas my motto for this blog....hmm......and yet, I write.


I'm confused.

I don't know what is going on in Lost's head. I really wish I did. I'm frustrated because I find myself talking to her, slipping right back into the rhythm that existed so naturally between us. "It's weird because it's not weird." I don't know yet if I can trust her. Should I embrace the returning friendship, or attempt to keep up some wall...if that's even possible? I've let down my defenses so easily so far. We'd been so close.

And then there's the other one... *sigh* I don't know what's going on.

Being at home this weekend will be nice. I'm pretty sure....

"And the forecast, I know, is that I'll be depressed."

I put myself back on meds this morning. There are so many things going on right now. I can't keep it all straight. Or something. I don't know what's going on inside my head--inside of me. I'm trying to handle it but I don't know how well I'm actually doing.

I've lost the hope I had begun to feel. I've lost my calm. I'm back in the spiraling black abyss that is the other part of my mind.

I'll just have to see what comes of it all....

"But I'll wait outside,

hopin' that I'll catch sight of the sun..."