So...this is it.

How do you write about something when you have thought about it and talked about it and prayed about it and dreamt about it and felt about it SO. MUCH. (while all at the same time trying to avoid it completely) that your very soul shrivels ever so slightly at the mere thought of reliving a single second of it again?

I'm not going to Korea.

I think I thought I would feel more relieved to "finally" have an answer, and at first I did but now I'm just...tired. I let myself get so wrapped up in "making a decision" that it has actually affected me physically. And the stupid part is that I was never really making a decision--nor did I want to be--but I let myself feel like I was. I wanted to seek God's will and that's what I let myself believe I was doing except if I had just stopped and freaking listened, I probably would have realized much sooner that I didn't have to go. Yes, I said "have to go" as in, I didn't want to.

I can't pin point the exact moment of no return, but when doors started closing in Korea I got less and less okay with going. (Probably for a reason, duh. Take this as a lesson, imaginary readers. Clean out your Spiritual Listening Ears.) I never really wanted to go, not fully. But I wanted to do what God wanted me to do and that was enough. For awhile. Then doors started closing in SK and doors seemed to be opening here--at the zoo no less. I felt really guilty for not wanting to go, to do what God had called me to do, and I think I knew pretty much the whole time that feeling that way was not the way it was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm a little biased because working at a zoo is my dream and Korea just was so not, but God knows the desires of our hearts. BECAUSE HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course He would take one of the deepest desires of my heart in to consideration when He was planning for my life. I think I thought I could just train my heart not to want that for awhile. That was dumb.

Anyway, God is now calling me to...not go. I think He tried to tell me awhile ago, but I convinced myself that I wasn't being...however I was supposed to be being by not wanting to go, so I didn't listen to Him. I fretted over whether or not what I wanted and what I was doing were "right" or whatever, that I totally totally just...missed it. This probably could have been a very smooth transition from one instruction to the next one, but I just... Ugh. I can't even dwell on this anymore because now I just feel lame.

Wow, sorry this is such a downer entry!

Anyway, it took literally crying out to God in a purely emotional, broken moment to even realize that what I really wanted, deep down at my core was to stay here (in the country). That moment turned out to be necessary (Again, duh.) because it was while reading a devotional yesterday that I finally...let go and let the truth be the truth. I have a new understanding for how David felt:

" I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears."

Psalm 6:6

"Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. We can be honest with God even when we are filled with anger or despair because God knows us thoroughly and wants the very best for us. Anger may result in rash outward acts or turning inward toward depression. But because we trust in our all-powerful God, we don't have to be victims of circumstance or be weighted down by the guilt of sin. Be honest with God, and he will help you turn your attention from yourself to him and his mercy."
- Life Application Study Bible Devotion, Day 1