I'm a big kid, now.

"You surprise me, [Kismet's real name]."
I'm sorry?
"No, in a good way."
I don't know what you mean.
"It's just you're...well, your political views and your...you just surprise me."

I surprise myself, lately. Specifically with the "adult conversations " I've been taking part in. Instigating, even. Tonight I was talking about [light] politics, relationships, music, and religion with my coworkers. Intelligently, and somewhat passionately. I sounded like I knew what I was talking about, and I did. Even though I have little to no experience or knowledge on the subjects. Or so I thought.

These conversations satisfy me in a way I never predicted. Like that one at that place mom took Lost and me to. I was talking to a friend of my aunt, and...that conversations was the best conversation I've ever had in my life. Of that kind anyway. It was the first time I physically saw the difference between Lost and me. I wrote a letter about it. (The difference I saw, not the conversation.)

Anyway, increasingly often, I have these moments when I think to myself, "I'm an adult, now." It is interesting to ponder.

I suppose all children feel that they'll , never grow up, but I think I just thought I would never grow up all the way. See, for the longest time, I been doing "juvenile" things thinking, "Oh, I'll grow out of this someday," and then, "I'll have to grow out of this someday," then finally, "I never grew out of this. I'm going to be a pretty interesting adult." These things included going up the stairs of my house on all fours (I don't actually do this so much anymore), sitting on the floor, bursting out into random song, saying extremely random things out loud to no one in particular (No, really. Sometimes they're not even words.), and sleeping with a "special blanket" (now I have two). Turns out I was right about being an interesting adult. But you know what? Whatever, I'll sit on the ground if I want, and I like my blankets. So there. I'm a big kid now, and no one can stop me! Just kidding. What I meant to say was: Does anyone ever really grow up? I mean, some people lose touch with their "inner child", and well, I don't want to be that person. Ever.

Ok, well, this post is long enough. I just wanted to share.

A conversation with my roommate.

Me: If I have to read the f-word one more time, I'm going to punch something. Just because I hear it all the time doesn't mean I'm ok with reading it.

Roomie: You'd think she would have asked you if it offended you.

Me: Yeah, but she's not considerate. It's Kuehl. Even if I said something to her, she would just say something like, "Well, you're an adult now" and she'd be right, but still. I visibly flinch every time I read it. It's ruining this already awful play for me.

Roomie: It's a nasty word, I don't see why we just have to learn to live with it. I mean, sometimes I do use it, but I'm joking around, I would never use it in an argument.

Me: I'm really not a prude, I promise. I know I talk about things like this fairly often.

Roomie: No, I know. And most of what you say I agree with, so it's ok.

Me: It's just that since what happened with Lost*, I've just been making some personal choices. I learned that you have to be your own person. Really be your own person. Like, through and through.


I really liked that realization....I hope I remember it as I continue to struggle to move on.....

*Pseudonym.

I feel like a real Boardie.

I belong! Heh. It's a nice feeling to know that people read my blog and deem it worthy enough to link on thier own blogs!! =D

Also, yay for new pals!

My happy thoughts for the day.

My thoughts on Heroes.

I don't have a hero. I mean, I don't think I do. This uncertainty causes me to feel that I just don't have one. There are people I look up to: my mom, my dad, Mama and Papa Khan, Aunt Eller, my uncle P and aunt C...those are the top 7 anyway. Well, as far as "elders" go... I look up to friends and peers of mine, but in a different way. That can be an entry for another day. (Hey! I'm a poet, and didn't know it!)

Now, I'm not saying that I need a hero—nor that people in general need heroes. For some, a hero is an important part in werf's life. For others, guidance comes from elsewhere. Neither group of people is better than the other, only different. Why do some have heroes, and others don't? Now, I'm using "hero" as slightly different than a "mentor". In my opinion, one does not have to ever meet one's hero. A mentor implies that werf was guided directly by said mentor. Again, in my opinion.

I think it's so cool to listen to people talking about their hero(s). Or mentor(s) for that matter. Most get this look in their eyes.....a brightness, and excitedness. I enjoy it.

Someday, I want to inspire that look in someone's eyes.

Jumbled thoughts, jumbled words.

Dear you,

I grew up.

I'll always care about you. Give me a call if you ever catch up.

~ me


The end of the friendship? She won't fight for me--for it. I gave all I could. It has to be her "turn" because I've done all I can. Most of the time now I don't really feel loss. I feel a bit sad for her because she's the one who lost something. I was a great friend to her. I know I was. Not trying to "toot my horn", but I know it's true. I love with all my heart. It's what I'm good at. And I love to do it. Sometimes, I wish she would wake up and know what to do to fix our friendship. I want to know that she wants to. We had a good thing for awhile there. It's so strange to go from knowing every single thing about a person to knowing almost nothing. And what I do know is not from her. I miss her, and I'm frustrated at myself for it. At least I don't dwell on it very often. Or even for very long. *sigh*

I'm so grateful for the friends who work with me to help our friendships grow. I'm grateful to them for being there for me--being here for me. I'm grateful for the friends who actively care about me.

I am blessed. I am. And I'm more healthy than I was before.

It's all going to be great.