I've never thought of myself as much of an evangelizer. Trying to convince people that my faith is the right way...never really sat well with me. Not that I don't think people should do it, I'm just not comfortable doing it myself. (That's an entry for another time though.) I've always been more comfortable with trying to live as an example. I've written about this before, but these days I'm feeling much less...inspired. I still believe in living Matthew 5:16, but am I doing that?
We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.
Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.
So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.
1 comment:
I agree you definitely need to count your blessings because there are so many! BUT it's so easy to forget that sometimes; especially when things just aren't going like we planned!
And I think part of that ministry desire comes from working so much at camp in the summer. I feel like that is such high-intensity evangelism that it's hard when it leaves you (it makes you feel good while doing good). Less is okay too and you're right about just being a "light" or "salt" that isn't under a bushel or without flavor is being a missionary.
But if it's bothering you. Go do something about it. I'm sure there are a million opportunities for you in GT. Maybe call up that foster care lady and see if they need some help OR do AWANAs with a church. Sometimes things just don't drop in our lap and we have to seek them out even if it is hard :).
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