Not In My Timing

When Camp ended and I went back to "just work" I was nervous.  Nervous because in my typical day-to-day life, I spend a lot of time alone.  I spend a lot of time alone and I don't particularly enjoy my job.  Because I don't enjoy being being alone and I don't always enjoy my job, I was not looking forward to Camp ending.  Camp was something to get up for in the morning.  It was something to look forward to during the day.  It meant people to love on and spend time with, a community.

Something that I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect.  The transition from Camp and work back to just work was not nearly as terrible as I had been expecting.  For the first couple weeks, my friends were still around and Britni and I started a fun new project so I had something to be excited about.  Also, a few other counselors and I organize a youth group for the teens at Camp and we began getting the ball rolling for that.  I got nervous again when friends started going back to school though.  Not all of them went very far, but they all have their own lives at school.  I was in college once--it's your whole world while you're there and that's how it should be.  Knowing this, I did not anticipate feeling great when people went back to their lives at school.

Something I can't quite seem to get through my thick skull is that God's timing is perfect.  During the summer, I volunteered at my church's Sunday school (Promiseland) and right around the time that camp was ending, a girl that I'd met once or twice before was volunteering on the same Sunday I was.  We got to talking, and we both mentioned the fact that we wished there was more of a ministry for college graduates/20 somethings at Cedarbrook.  A few days later I found out she was starting a small group and she wanted me to join.  Around the same time, the Youth Pastor asked me if I would consider helping out during the school year too.  I said heck yeah!  Well, as I began to get nervous about friends going back to school, he asked if I would be able to be a "full timer" and come every Sunday instead of just a "half" coming two Sundays a month.  I have been going to Cedarbrook Community Church for about three years now and I've been wanting to get plugged in more and more.  At first I couldn't seem to get my foot in firmly, and now things just seem to be falling in my lap.  I've since gone to a meeting about Promiseland as well as another special event for people getting involved in ministry at Cedarbrook.  I've met new people at church and I've realized I already know more people than I thought.  Community is great.

I have been really enjoying myself the past couple of weeks getting ready for the start up of the youth group, starting at Promiseland, and anticipating the beginning of the new small group.  God has given me things to keep busy with.  It doesn't matter that I don't particularly like my job because my job is no longer my only purpose.  It is a great feeling.

I am excited and slightly intimidated by the fact that some of the activities God is filling my life with are pretty much directly related to furthering His Kingdom. As followers of Christ, we should be out there, actively spreading His word and love and truth and I've never felt that I have done a very good job of it.  Now it's like I'm really on the front lines.  I feel like He is sort of giving me more responsibility.

Anyway.  God is great and I'm not sure why I can't quite seem to get it through my thick skull that His timing is perfect.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..."
 Jeremiah 29:11

Wholeness.

Wholeness. I don't know that all of us would call it that, but it is the most accurate description of that thing, that feeling, that I have ever come across. This feeling is one that we all desire and one that most of us spend a significant amount of time pondering about, grasping at, fretting over, longing for.

I have lacked a feeling of wholeness recently. There have been moments, some fleeting, some pretty lengthy, but it is usually an abnormally temporary feeling. (I mean, people don't usually feel whole or "complete" all the time, but I think there is a problem when you don't feel that way more than you do. Just saying.) I didn't know for a long time what it was that I was missing. I only knew something was.

I can remember the days when I felt secure in my relationship with God. I loved Him and it was completely enough. I felt connected. I was walking on sunshine. Puppies and rainbows, man.

I don't know when it happened. When I lost my feeling of wholeness. Or when I became aware that I'd lost my feeling of wholeness for that matter. I came to realize that there is a disconnect somewhere. (Hint: it is not on God's end of things.) I have been emotionally but not-so-actively searching to fill myself up again, but it's almost like I don't know how.

I know I need to start going to church regularly again. And I need to start back up with my devos. And I need to surround myself with fellowship more often. And I need to talk to Him more--and not just about things I want. I also need to listen for Him more.

But...I just don't.

"I know how wholeness feels. It feels like soft summer evenings when I would close Christopher and the chickens in for the night. It feels like when Tess would lie on our bed and roll on her back to show us her white belly. It feels like the times I would linger by the barn as soft clucks and gentle grunts would wash over me like the moonlight, and fill me with peace.

Wholeness feels like gratitude."

Sy Montgomery, The Good Good Pig

I am not grateful enough. Atleast, I don't act like it. My goal in life isn't to honor God. I am entirely focused on this life and what I can get out of it--what the next good thing is. I expect things to happen--or to not happen--because it's what I want and how I want it and why shouldn't it be that way? No. This is not the way to go about life

I used to know how to go about life. I was an active participent. Lately I have become someone who is along for the ride or, at best, a member of the peanut gallery protesting when I feel something is not as it should be.

I have become selfish. And I don't like that.

My eyes are opening.

Last Sunday, I noticed a shift in my attitude. Then Monday I noticed that it was different all together. I think I finally appreciate my job!

I never got a chance to apply for the temp job at the zoo. They decided to hire someone from an old pool of applicants with out re-announcing it. But, I don't feel crushed. It might be because I don't think I ever really got my hopes up, but I think it has also given me a more solid idea of where I'm supposed to be and what God has planned for me right now. Suddenly, everything felt easier, not as heavy, and I began to feel more positive. I'm not sure if my new attitude is a result of this awareness, or if the awareness is a result of my new attitude, but things are definitely...better. Well, they were never that bad, but they feel better now. And of course we alllll know that is totally the point, right?

I'm glad I'm working where I am right now. I am appreciated, I am good at it, I have flexible hours when I need them, I have weekends off so I can go visit PA, I start late enough in the morning that I can help with James, if I still have this job this summer then I will be able to go to worship and devos in the morning at camp and I'll be able to help set stuff up, and I'll probably be able to take days off to help all day there.

God is good, kids. And when I let Him just love on me things run waaaaay more smoothly. Who knew?

Matthew 5:16

I've never thought of myself as much of an evangelizer. Trying to convince people that my faith is the right way...never really sat well with me. Not that I don't think people should do it, I'm just not comfortable doing it myself. (That's an entry for another time though.) I've always been more comfortable with trying to live as an example. I've written about this before, but these days I'm feeling much less...inspired. I still believe in living Matthew 5:16, but am I doing that?

We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.

Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.

So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.

Meeting Him where I am.

I think I might be right on the cusp (not sure if that is really the best word here, but we're going with it) of what can be described (with that classic cliche) as "my dream coming true": I'm going back to the zoo as a Keeper Aide. This time I'll be at Asia Trail which is good because there is supposed to be a Temporary Keeper position opening up there, and being the Keeper Aide would give me a very solid foot in the door. (I just love cliches, don't I?) I feel pretty confident about getting the job. I'm not letting myself think of the job as mine or anything yet though. If God has taught me anything during these past few months it is that I can't with any certainty plan on anything. So this should be exciting, right? My mind says it is, but I'm not sure that it goes beyond that...

My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.

A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.

I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...

Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.

(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)

As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.

I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.

Just some thoughts.

The first thought is vagueish with some back story: I had an interesting conversation with a new friend this weekend. I am really impressed by how this friend can be so so frustrated at God and still have such a heartfelt desire to spread His light at the same time. However, that is not what made the conversation interesting. What was interesting was how I felt while thinking back over the conversation the next morning. As I was headed home from PA I just felt so...deliciously purposeful. At the time the only word that would come to mind was "inspired" but really "purposeful" is better. It felt good! Basically, I am going to do what I can to make as much money as I can to be able to seriously attack my school loans. (Our conversation wasn't about money, for the record.) With out getting in to the boring nitty gritty, it has to do with being a responsible adult and it involves the family I hope to have one day. I just need to get with it.

The second thought is more of a question. I've been single...well, always really. I've been on dates (like, 2 of them) and at one time I was "going out" with someone for a week or so, but....yeah none of that reeeally counts. So I find myself "considering" pretty much every man I meet. It's really pathetic and frustrating, just so you know. Anyway, that brings me to the question: Do you ever count yourself out? Or count the other person out for that matter. I mean...think things like, "We couldn't work because..." "He wouldn't like...about me." "I'm not sure...is going to fly with me." But really, I have no experience partnering with someone in that way and who am I to say what will work and what won't anyway? I think most of us come up with some sort of list about the kind of person we hope to end up with but mine leads me to wonder if that man really exists. Oh, well. It's not really up to me anyway I guess. God already knows who this guy is so I should just quit fretting.

Limbo isn't a state, but Maine is.

"Limbo," as defined by Dictionary.com:

• an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.
• a place or state of imprisonment or confinement.

I think many of us are guilty of complaining about being in a situation/state of being/phase of life commonly referred to as "limbo." I know I am.

I've been out of school for almost two years now, I'm working at a part time job that I don't always like, I spend a ton of time sitting alone on my little couch in my poorly lit basement playing Farmville researching career options... And I find myself feeling disgruntled because it has got to get better than this. What ever "it" is.

I keep talking at God, "asking" Him to make it better, to help me move on the the next thing. To finally stinking transition already. I tell Him I'm tired of being in limbo and I want what's next. I want to move on. To move out of where I'm at, to move on with my life, to move on to what is next. (See a common theme here yet? No? Here:) I have been wanting to be done with what is happening right now, and start doing the next thing.

I've been thinking lately though. (Dangerous, I know. I promise I won't hurt myself.) In order to get to the next thing, it would make sense that I'd be moving on from something, right? I've always thought of limbo as...nothing. Doing nothing. Experiencing nothing. Nothing worthwhile anyway. But...if I'm going to God because I know He's going to give me what is next, doesn't that mean that He gave me what is now?

This, right now, what I've been experiencing (or I think in my case, missing) is part of my life. Part of the life that God created for me. He crafted these moments that I have been complaining about. How much could I have learned these past few months if I had only been paying attention?

Limbo is not a state of being. I officially refute those definitions! Limbo is a choice. Limbo is an awkward dance game often made more difficult by the use of roller skates and it is a game that I have never enjoyed in the past--and actually avoided--so why, why have I chosen to play this stupid game for so long???

How, though, do we switch from bending over backward in this stupid game just to move forward, to living the moments God has given us?

I don't actually know the answer to that question. Sorry. I don't really have an wisdom to pass on to all two of you who might read this. Believe me, if I did know the answer to that question, I would be even more popular than I already am. (Just kidding. I'm too awesome to be popular. Just kidding. I'm so popular there aren't any more people left to like me, so I can't even get more popular... Just kidding.)

I can tell you that I've decided to be proactive. I'm going to pursue every door that is presented to me, and I'm going to try to be better at listening to God instead of just talking to Him.

I'm also going to find worth in what I'm doing right now, at this stage of my life. I get to see my mom way more than I have in the past few years because I work with her. I get to help out with Overflow and be with camp kids and camp people even though it's not summer. I get to go to Pennsylvania to see my friends pretty much whenever I want. And I'm still figuring out the rest.

So anyway. The moral of the story: Don't play limbo, kids. It's super lame.

"This is why it is said:
'Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.'
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Ephesians 5:14-20

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31

Don't drown in those Deep Thoughts.

I've noticed since I first felt called to go to South Korea that I have picked and chosen who to tell the "real" reason to when I was asked, "Why South Korea?" I would tell most of them that it was because it paid well, or that I thought it would be a good experience. I was reluctant to tell people the real reason...

I felt...embarrassed to tell them that it wasn't my idea. That God told me He wanted me to go. That no, I didn't know why or what for exactly.

I think I justified it by telling myself that they wouldn't understand. Well...I never really gave them a chance to understand, did I? And why does everyone need to understand? Isn't that the whole point? To share God and His love and purpose with those who don't know Him yet? I was too worried about what people would think of me. And THAT is what I should be embarrassed about.

On my way to PA a couple of weeks ago, a car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Own your faith." I was...taken by surprise. Such a simple concept that I had just been missing so completely.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in?

And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?..."

Romans 10:14

"Be an Example"

An excerpt from the Bible Study I just wrote out for tonight:

As I’ve been thinking about this ["this"= being an example] and related topics, I have been reminded once again that I’m not perfect. I am a sinner and I slip up over and over again. I’m not perfect, only He is perfect. I’m not perfect, but I don’t want my imperfection to get in the way of someone else’s journey toward perfection. I’m not perfect, but I want to act as perfect as I possibly can so that I can only be a support to others on their journey. I’ve said before that I wanted to be a person that "non-believers" could look to and watch to know what was right and wrong [if they were in a situation that caused them to question whether or not the action they were considering taking was a good thing to do. I want to try to be on my best behavior all the time and be the sort of person they know would choose the right action]. Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that not only should I try hard “publicly” in that way, but that I need to also be on my best behavior when I’m with my fellow Christians, especially those I’m most comfortable with. It’s so easy to slip into gossip for example. Anyway, this is just food for thought.