I think I might be right on the cusp (not sure if that is really the best word here, but we're going with it) of what can be described (with that classic cliche) as "my dream coming true": I'm going back to the zoo as a Keeper Aide. This time I'll be at Asia Trail which is good because there is supposed to be a Temporary Keeper position opening up there, and being the Keeper Aide would give me a very solid foot in the door. (I just love cliches, don't I?) I feel pretty confident about getting the job. I'm not letting myself think of the job as mine or anything yet though. If God has taught me anything during these past few months it is that I can't with any certainty plan on anything. So this should be exciting, right? My mind says it is, but I'm not sure that it goes beyond that...
My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.
A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.
I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...
Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.
(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)
As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.
I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.
2 comments:
Such a thoughtful (full of thought?) post! I think one thing to always consider, is that never do all our dreams come true in a single moment in time- Our dream of the "perfect life" is, as it should be, fluid. In each moment and each new endeavor find peace, but remember that life is a loooooong road- if you felt for a moment that every dream had come true- or that you were on exactly the right path, what more would you have to live for?! Take a breath, and baby steps, and enjoy even the littlest things (like a kick-butt position at the ZOO, ahem!- Awesome!)! <3
This post reminded me of that lovely scene in that lovely movie we saw together in January ;) You know, the one where they awesomely cool heroine is nervous because she's about to get everything she asked for, and then the equally awesome hero tells her that what she is anticipating will be everything she hoped for, and she says that's still scary, but then he says the great thing about that is that then she gets to find a new dream, and then bad things happen, but in the end they realize that they were each others new dreams? That's what your post reminded me of. Except you are the awesomely cool heroine and God is the even awesomer Hero. I pray that this dream is everything you've ever wished it could be, and that your Hero blesses you with something so unexpected that this new dream blows the old one out of the water :) Knowing Him, He probably will.
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