Matthew 5:16

I've never thought of myself as much of an evangelizer. Trying to convince people that my faith is the right way...never really sat well with me. Not that I don't think people should do it, I'm just not comfortable doing it myself. (That's an entry for another time though.) I've always been more comfortable with trying to live as an example. I've written about this before, but these days I'm feeling much less...inspired. I still believe in living Matthew 5:16, but am I doing that?

We're not supposed to live of the world but we are supposed to live in it, and I'm not sure that I've really been participating the ways that I should be. I spend all my time at home alone, at the Winegar's, or at work. I suppose work is actually a great way to "let my light shine," but I feel that most of the time I'm there I have a fairly rotten attitude. I'm not "in public" often and I don't think I've been mindful of how I act when I am. While I'm at work, while I'm driving, while I'm walking through stores... I have been going about my days filled with thoughts about how to get things faster, more, better and not paying attention to any people around me who are not in my personal circles.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I've been being very selfish. I complain about my job because it's not "what I want." I don't do my best because I don't always enjoy the work. I complain that I have no friends here and wish I were in PA a lot of the time. I get frustrated because I'm always half a step behind my school loan payments. The truth is that I have a job and there are many people out there who don't. I'm good at what I do there and I am wanted and appreciated by the other people who work there. I have friends here: Allie and Carl, as well as part of my camp family. I also have friends who aren't physically here, but with whom I keep in good touch with. There are facebook, skype, the phone and visits to PA. I'm not completely broke, either. My job pays fairly well, and I babysit every once in awhile. God has definitely provided for me because I've been able to pay my loans every month (even if I'm usually a few days late) and then on top of that I've had enough for medical bill and car repairs. I even have enough somehow when fun things come up like random skiing trips.

Yet I have been so inwardly focused. Most of my prayers center around the fact that I am not content, not satisfied. But...it's not about me. And also, it's not about this life. It's not about what jobs I get or don't get, if I ever move out of my dad's basement and move to PA, if I ever get married. I am only here to serve the Lord, to learn and to grow. I don't have to enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I believe Heavenly Father wants me too. God loves me and He wants me to be happy, but any happiness, any contentment is a gift from Him because He loves me. One day this life will end and I'll get to go be with Him. That is what I should be seeking and working toward.

So, I want to get back to counting my blessings and glorifying God. This selfish feeling...it's not the me I want to be. It's not the me I like very much.

Meeting Him where I am.

I think I might be right on the cusp (not sure if that is really the best word here, but we're going with it) of what can be described (with that classic cliche) as "my dream coming true": I'm going back to the zoo as a Keeper Aide. This time I'll be at Asia Trail which is good because there is supposed to be a Temporary Keeper position opening up there, and being the Keeper Aide would give me a very solid foot in the door. (I just love cliches, don't I?) I feel pretty confident about getting the job. I'm not letting myself think of the job as mine or anything yet though. If God has taught me anything during these past few months it is that I can't with any certainty plan on anything. So this should be exciting, right? My mind says it is, but I'm not sure that it goes beyond that...

My problem is that if this is my dream coming true, why don't I feel more...I don't know, like my dream is coming true? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad things seems to be going in this direction I really am. It's just...hmm. Let me back up a bit here.

A friend pointed out to me recently that faith is not just about feeling things. It's also about believing or acting even when we don't feel something. What she said made a lot of sense and I agree with her. But, (Yep. There's a "but.") I think God has always used my feelings and emotions to communicate with me. So the fact that I don't feel more excited worries me some. In fact, I feel slightly negative.

I don't really feel content with where I'm at in life. For awhile now I've wanted so badly to move forward, to transition to...whatever is next. Something different. Preferably to a zoo, but pretty much "different" was what I thought I was looking for. But now that things are moving forward I kind of want to drag my heels some. I want to do better. I have not been glorifying God in my circumstances. Not to the best of my ability and I haven't wanted to in my heart. I'm not sure I want to move on until I can do it better than I have been. Or something...

Maybe it's that I don't want to get to my dream and not feel satisfied then either. To be honest, that scares me. A lot. If I haven't learned to find contentment and satisfaction in my life the way that it is, what's to say that I will even when I think I'm getting what I want? What is going to keep me from complaining or wanting something different? God has given me so many blessings. I feel like I've been taking them for granted.

(I would like to point out that I believe there is a difference between "settling" and "content." But that's an entry for another day.)

As I mentioned, I am glad things are moving in this direction. The one thing I know for certain is that right now I'm supposed to pursue this zoo job, so I am glad things are moving. At the same time, I want to learn to be satisfied. And to not be so selfish. I feel so so selfish. It's not supposed to be all about me. It's supposed to be about God and because He loves me He makes it about me. But first I need to make it about Him. I want to learn to glorify Him from where I am with what I have. And I want that to be enough.

I was going to quote a few things from this article during this post, but it is really so much better in its complete form. You should read it.

How Not to Deal With Problems Driving

I like driving on back roads, going so fast that I can't think about anything but when to use the brakes--and maybe the words to the music that fills the car and my mind--even if I wanted to. Then there's no room in my head for any reflections, anxieties, frustrations or plans--I'm totally in the moment. There's something so freeing about being locked on the here and now, conscious only of the twists in the road, the pressure of my hands on the steering wheel and how many inches my toe needs to travel to make it to the brake pedal. If I drive fast enough, long enough, any negativity is forced so deep into the back of my mind that I can close the lid on that box I've built there.

Just some thoughts.

The first thought is vagueish with some back story: I had an interesting conversation with a new friend this weekend. I am really impressed by how this friend can be so so frustrated at God and still have such a heartfelt desire to spread His light at the same time. However, that is not what made the conversation interesting. What was interesting was how I felt while thinking back over the conversation the next morning. As I was headed home from PA I just felt so...deliciously purposeful. At the time the only word that would come to mind was "inspired" but really "purposeful" is better. It felt good! Basically, I am going to do what I can to make as much money as I can to be able to seriously attack my school loans. (Our conversation wasn't about money, for the record.) With out getting in to the boring nitty gritty, it has to do with being a responsible adult and it involves the family I hope to have one day. I just need to get with it.

The second thought is more of a question. I've been single...well, always really. I've been on dates (like, 2 of them) and at one time I was "going out" with someone for a week or so, but....yeah none of that reeeally counts. So I find myself "considering" pretty much every man I meet. It's really pathetic and frustrating, just so you know. Anyway, that brings me to the question: Do you ever count yourself out? Or count the other person out for that matter. I mean...think things like, "We couldn't work because..." "He wouldn't like...about me." "I'm not sure...is going to fly with me." But really, I have no experience partnering with someone in that way and who am I to say what will work and what won't anyway? I think most of us come up with some sort of list about the kind of person we hope to end up with but mine leads me to wonder if that man really exists. Oh, well. It's not really up to me anyway I guess. God already knows who this guy is so I should just quit fretting.

Nostalgia.

That's a weird word. But what else is weird is being on a college campus again. Weird that it feels so natural. I'm with my college friends, and we're talking about all the same things we used to talk about in college--professors, dorms, classes, text books, people around campus. The one classroom building even smells like Del Val. Heck, there's a random exercise ball rolling around the room. It all just feels so natural. Like my real life is just pretend and school is where I'm supposed to be. (Insert sigh here.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish I were still in school. I don't miss the school part of things. I just miss feeling like I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, and spending time with people I was supposed to be with. I miss feeling like I had a purpose. (Also I miss having a freaking social life!)

I think up until they graduate from college (or grad school), most people have school as a constant in their lives. For some of us, it might be the only constant. After graduation, every decision literally becomes a life changing decision. (I was going to put a lame analogy here, but I'll spare you.)

Anyway, I love my friends and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. Hillary, Greta and I even survived the 5 hour car ride in the middle of the night to get here. It's been great to visit Kristin at grad school and it's been really nice to get a taste of the good old days. (I don't have a comment for the end of this section, but enjoy the following picture of us being cute.)