Getting to know you

So....I did it. I called Lost. And she called back. And we talked about it. I don't know what her origional deal was, and she said she probably still couldn't talk to me about it, but I don't care. Not one bit.

Dear you,

I've grown up.

Can we do this? Let's give it one more shot.

~ me

We're getting to know each other again. Because we both want to.

I need to be careful.




Some one keep me on track? Please? Just keep an eye on me...

I stepped on a bee.

It was the most excruciatingly painful experience I can ever remember having. And I've had appendicitis, as well as the resulting surgery. I know our body makes us forget pain, and for good reason, but I'm still pretty sure that was not quite as painful as my experience today. At least it was a different kind of pain...

I stepped on a bee. I dunno how it happened. See, I was inside. In my dorm room. It makes no sense. I was walking over to my desk when BAM! Huge amounts of pain. Coming from my foot. I'm proud of myself for thinking clearly enough to gain control and look at the bottom of my foot. There was the bee, clinging on, his dying act. It was as if he was saying, "I'll teach you to walk around barefoot in your own room!" Or, "If I'm going down, you're going down with me!" He was quite brave, actually. I'm sorry, bee. =( Oh, and now that I think about it, he was almost definitely a she.

Anyway, it hurt. A lot. I got a hot flash from it, actually. And the whole time I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't get the stinger out (you're not supposed to pull them out, you have to scrape them out with a credit card or something similar), so I hopped awkwardly across the hall to the restroom. I got it out after, but I've been hobbling around since.

Ah, well. A new experience. And we were brave, that bee and I. *nods*

Woah.

A blue whale's tongue weighs as much as an elephant.

It's heart is as big as a car.

Some of it's blood vessels are so wide, you could swim down them.

And they feed on some of the tinniest animals in the sea...

"All reality is miracles."

"Here, see? A pen. The law of gravity. If I were to drop this pen, what would happen?"*
It would hit the ground.
"Right, it would hit the ground. Why?"
Gravity.
"Right, but why? Who's to say it won't go up?"
Well...gravity...
"How does that work?"
Uhh...
"Truth is, God likes it going down. God likes gravity. That's why it works. All reality is miracles. Why was the universe made in six days instead of six seconds? The sunset takes a little longer than the sunrise. God likes that. The sun moves smoothly across the sky. It could do loop-de-loops instead. God likes it that way. All reality is miracles."

Tonight at IVCF, we had an awesome guest speaker. He is the pastor at a local church and his lesson was on the the fact that we are becoming too deistic. We're taking things for granted. We know that there is a future, a promise, but we're confused about what to do in the present. He said that since we were made in God's image, we are meant for glory. ("Not a big 'G', like God's Glory, but a little 'g'.") We should be helping other people and spreading His word, all the while being aware that we have the things we have because that is the way Heavenly Father wants them, and we should be grateful for them. The speaker said we need to learn to see the future and the promise with our Spirit-inspired imagination...we need to communicate with Him, and have a relationship with Him so we can learn how to see, and what is coming ahead. Otherwise it's just the blind trying to lead the blind.

He also taught that the Bible should be so interesting to us. ("You have to admit that in North America, we're boring. [Church is boring.]") He asked us what something similar to the following passage made us think of (books, movies, anything):

This work set the benchmark for it's genre in its creation of an entirely new and thrillingly vital universe. It introduced an unforgettable hero, caught up in a war of mythic proportions, defining for many the archetypal struggle between good and evil.

Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and the Matrix were all mentioned. As it turns out, it was pieces of a statement made about LotR. He then asked us if we thought it could also apply to the Bible. "This book has a flood that covers all of the known Earth, and the only survivors are a man who is not that righteous to begin with, and a floating zoo. This book has a man swallowed by a fish and spit back on land, lepers, people coming back from the dead, a man that walks on water, exorcisms, fish with coins in their mouths...how much more exciting can you get?" He pointed out that the poetry in Job, the Song of Songs, and the Psalms is amazingly structured. The poetry is more complex than anything that old Billy ever wrote.

Anyway, it was basically an amazing lesson, and the whole time I was on the edge of my seat, willing more to come. More of the lesson. It felt wonderful.

*All "quotes" are loosely quoted, not direct.

Big World

I "made it" on to the 100 Hour Board Alumni blog. I find that greatly amusing.

So much.

So much love, so much change, so much hope, so much thinking, so much wanting, so much waiting, so much confusion, so much gloom, so much searching, so much finding, so much confidence, so much possibility, so much purpose, so much happiness, so much friendship, so much gratitude...

So much.

Poeticness?

The other night, as I walked along the wet sidewalk, in and out of the light, passing under the street lights, I tip-toed around the earthworms that had oozed out of their telluric homes to worship the rain. As I went along, I pondered about how poetic it all was: I hated the spaces between the street lights because I had no idea if I was stepping on any of the poor worms. It was amazing how a little illumination helped...

Today I was haunted by the ghouls of my all-to-recent-past... Have they invented black holes to tie around fingers yet?

This entry was going to be a lot better. I lost all my thoughts, though. My apologies.

Some thoughts

So I've figured out that I have a very odd addiction. To books on animals. To HUGE books on animals. I just bought my...fourth(?) one last night. And it's huge and big and wonderful. And I love it. It's another one on mammals. Which brings me to my next thought:

I've pretty much decided that I'm going to work towards getting a Masters degree in mammalogy. I just need to figure out how I want to do it... See, I've always planned on going straight to work after I "did my time" so to speak--after I completed my four years. I'm lucky because it is very likely that I will have a job right out of school. I was thinking maybe night classes or something, but my mom says that would take forever. She makes a good point. I'll have to do some research. At least now I know that's what I want to do.

I also want to learn more about fish and insects. I know almost nothing about them! That is just not acceptable. Except, when I say "nothing," I think I might still mean slightly more than the average, less-animal-obsessed person.... Anyway, my dear friend Lexi has caused me to have a new appreciation for beetles. I think I'll start with them.

Speaking of beetles, krebscout is an amazing writer, and I'm jealous. *grin*

It doesn't even matter.

FridgeBoy made me another mix. I love the mixes he gives me, even if I don't listen to them over and over all the time like I do with my other CDs. Anyway, one of the songs he put on it made me think of this situation with Lost:

In The End

It starts with

One thing; I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know: time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know

Wasted it all just to

Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme

To remind myself how

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so far

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me

In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

~ Linkin Park

I've not gotten a reply to my last e-mail. I guess it's over. All of that....all that love, all that laughter, all the trust and happiness...it doesn't even matter. Well, in a way it does. That was a high point in my life. I hope it was in hers, too.

If you ever catch up, give me a call.

~me

No Spring in sight.

Tree tops full of robins. Multiple treetops. Robins phreaking everywhere. I have never seen so many robins in my life. Then there was the one poor, frazzled mockingbird trying to chase them all away, the whole time trying to talk some sense in to them. "There's snow on the ground! What are you doing here?! There is no Spring in sight!"

Oh, me.

Last night, I pulled that one prank again. I sucked a couple of my coworkers in, too. I'll have to find out how it turned out.... Hee hee hee. ; )

I also spoke with my friend Banana for quite awhile. I'm going to visit her at her school when I go home this weekend! I'm very excited.

Oh, and I even got in a few minutes of chat time with Lexi. I was beginning to think you'd dropped off the face of the Earth, my friend! I'm glad you are well!

Life is pretty durn good.

69 more days!!

Board "writer."

I love helping Lexi answer questions. I've done it in the past with some funny questions and one question about getting a new dog. That last one was a surprise because that quote in it is the e-mail I sent her. The exact e-mail. Spelling and grammar mistakes and all. See, I thought she was going to take the information, and incorporate it in to her own response. Wrong. My dear friend seems to be lazy. (Just kidding!)

Anyway, in the past few days there have been some questions asked that fall under my favorite topic. (Can you guess?) I got to answer those ones as myself! Through Lexi, of course. I was telling my one friend (who is a Zoo Science major like myself) about the two questions and we had a little chuckle over the one. (If it's not amusing to you, that's ok. You have to be of a special breed. =p ) The second one was a bit confusing because of the way it was worded. Also, I try to avoid doing math if I can help it. I don't think my new friend Fergus knew that last part though, because he tried again. A question addressed to me! Only, not from a Board writer this time.

I really love answering questions. I even go so far as to address ones that have already been answered. Maybe I should just get over myself and apply? *shakes head at self*

How open should my heart really be?

"Hands open and my eyes open.

I just keep hoping that your heart opens.

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right,

Gotta be more than hoping it's right."

~Snow Patrol, "Hands Open"

[Lost], this is dumb.
"What's dumb?"
This thing with us.
"You're being very nondescriptive. Could you please elaborate?"
I feel like we're just pretending...it feels fake.*
"I didn't know what else to do. I did sincerely apologize, but you still seemed so upset with me, so I decided I should just leave you alone for awhile...I figured when you were ready to talk about it or move on or whatever, you would let me know. Until then, I just needed to be patient."*
I appreciate your apology, but apologies don't make everything [better right away]. They're just the first step. I forgive you, but I can't act completely naturally because I'm still uncomfortable. Know that just because I am uncomfortable, it doesn't mean I want you to stop working with me on the problem...I have done everything I can for our friendship. All I can do now is reciprocate any effort made by you. I'm torn because this is too important to me to just wait and hope you'll do something, but if I "do something", I feel that it won't be very effective because I can't always be the one to "do something." Friendships are an equal partnership. I can't have a shallow friendship who's sole purpose is to "just have fun." It's not bad or wrong, it's just not me. Especially if I am close with a person first. This whole time I've not known how you feel about any of this. You've pretty much kept me out of communication for awhile now. You were not treating me fairly. I made the decision to take care of myself--to be fair to myself. Never have I wanted our friendship to be over...I don't know what else I can say.*


I finally did it. We had been e-mailing stupid little things like forwards back and forth and I just got sick of it. We'll have to see what comes of it. I'm not holding my breath--I won't do that to myself.

*Content left out or modified for brevity's sake. Content in quotes only shortened, original text intact.