Never pray for patience.

It's no more mystery,

It is finally clear to me

You're the home my heart searched for so long.

And it is you I have loved all along.

~Dana Glover (It Is You I Have Loved)

Okay, corny, I know. But as my iPod was playing this song, I remembered a conversation I'd had the other day with Greta about Heavenly Father's message to me about "my someone." (For the record, I feel a bit silly talking about this, but I still think it's blog-worthy. I promise it's not all I think about.) I can't remember how the conversation started, but something caused me to tell her that I'll be really disappointed if I don't know that I've met him. Then, a few years down the road, when I'm telling the man I'm going to marry about all this, he'll say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009." Then I'd say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009!!" So I mean, it wouldn't be all bad, because I'll be getting married to someone eventually. I'd just really like this message to mean that I'm going to meet him and be friends with him...

I was a little off for awhile today. It was during that period that this song came on. Sometimes, it would be really nice to have a someone to call during those moments. Someone I wouldn't feel... I'm not sure, really. I've been working so hard the past few years to not be...gah, I can't really put it in to words. Hmm... I've been trying to become less...dependant? I've run into problems with friends over the years, and rightfully so. So sometimes I feel that it would be nice to have someone who I'm supposed to lean on. So I get impatient. Which brings me to another thought, actually.

We had a speaker at IVCF on Wednesday, and he spoke on patience. He brought with him the Webster's Dictionary definition of the word:

"the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient."

Which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is extremely helpful. Ha. Fortunately, the speaker didn't think this was very useful either, so he also brought the definition of the word "patient":

"bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint."

Without complaint. Just do it. Basically, as our speaker concluded, being patient is being obedient. So out of obedience to the Lord, I need to try to wait patiently for the right time. The time when I get to meet him, and know he is him. He's being prepared for me, and I need to make sure I'm prepared for him. If I'm being impatient about it, then I'm not being obedient, and if I'm not being obedient, then I'm not being the best person I can be, so I'm not ready for him.

The End.

Just call me "Cripple."

Last April I sprained my ankle. Badly. Really badly. Greta likes to tell people that I tried to tear my foot off of my body. (She's a funny one.) The way it happened is slightly amusing, actually. IVCF is helps out campus security every year during A-Day (a agricultural fair run by the students. It's a state fair now. That's right. We're awesome.). We stay out all night--from 9pm to 6am the next morning--and make sure other, less sober, responsible people don't mess with things. It's super fun and I love it. Great bonding happens around 3am. Anyway, we were out there, the second or third night, and I get a phone call around 11 o'clock:

"Hey mom!"
"Hey. Do you get a break?"
"No, why?"
"Because I want to give you these brownies I made you."
"What? Where are you?!"
"At Security."

At this point I hung up on my mom in excitement. Heh. See, every year either my dad or my mom come up and spend a day of A-Day with me, but both of them had said that they couldn't make it last year. Well, Mom got sneaky and decided to surprise me one night. I was very excited. I hopped in the go-kart to meet her at security. After a brief greeting, I told her where to park her car and went to take the cart back to the other IVCFers. Then, I started running to the parking lot to meet her. I rounded a corner, and out of the range of the street lights. Suddenly, down I went. I'd managed to find a pot hole in the walkway as I was running in the dark. I knew immediately that I'd hurt my ankle, but it only felt like I'd rolled it. I figured I could walk it off. As I limped the rest of the way to the parking lot, I began to think that maybe it was worse than just a rolled ankle.

Long story short, it hurt a whole lot, mom went to her hotel room, I stayed out with my "crew." Around 2am I decided it was really bad, and that I should probably go to the hospital. (There's one about .2 seconds from school.) Great said she'd go with me, and we got a ride from Security. We sat around, and then a man took x-rays of it very roughly (it hurt!!) and then we sat around some more. A lot. The doctor finally came in for 2 min and gave me crutches and referred me to a specialist. She told me that I had tears in all three of the ligaments in my ankle. So then I was on crutches for a week and a half, and in a brace for a month. Over the summer I did physical therapy, but my ankle still hurt. After taking more x-rays (one set "under stress." THAT was fun) the doctor determined that I have a space/hole in my ankle joint because the ligaments didn't tighten up enough. He said I could either deal with the pain, or get surgery. I'm opting for the surgery. I have an appointment with the surgeon on the 11th. Which is the main purpose for this entry.

I'm hoping to get the surgery done over winter break so I don't have to wait super long and so that I'll hopefully have enough recovery time before I have to be back in school, climbing two flights of stairs multiple times a day. Hopefully this does the trick.

Blurkers?

So on a couple blogs that I frequent "Blurker Amnesty Day" has been a topic. One I'm intrigued by. I missed the actual day because I didn't really think I would have any "blukers." Curiosity in this case has won out, however. So, here it is, a couple days late:

"I hereby proclaim that September 22nd, 2008 shall be Blurker Amnesty Day. You are probably saying to yourself - "Self, what is Blurker Amnesty Day?" Well this is the day that all blurkers can (and hopefully will) comment and make their presence known without penalty. You may even be saying to yourself - "Self, what is a blurker?" To answer you again, oh inquisitive one - a blurker is a blog lurker. Someone who reads a blog but never posts any comments.

So my unobtrusive friend - I am calling you out. In exchange for your comment, you have my solemn promise that I will not stalk you or request a comment from you in the future. Amnesty.

In case you are saying to yourself - "Self, how do I comment on a blog?" Well, I can answer that as well. Simply click on the area that says X # of people had something to say. You will see a comment box pop up. If you are signed into blogger then you can type your comment and click submit. If you don't have a google account then type your comment and make sure to include your name and perhaps your location (so I know who you are) and select anonymous. Then click submit. It is just that easy!"

I think this may have caused me to become a blurker of the mastermind behind this new holiday...

And we'll have a song.

Since I got to school, I've been "church hopping" with friends every Sunday. We like visiting the different churches in the area. Today, I went to a new one and I really really liked it. I'll probably go back every other Sunday. (On the other two Sundays a month I go to my friend's new church with her.)

This church has a few young married couples and I couldn't help but think about how I can't wait to go to church with my husband on Sundays, and then eventually with our family. His arm around the back of my seat, people greeting us as a couple, someone to talk with about what we learned in church that day, and, most importantly, someone who shares my faith and desires to grow in his as I grow in mine. I want to meet a man who can be that for me.

Looking around that room this morning got me to thinking about the fact that within the year I'll meet him. I don't wonder why God clued me in to this fact--I need to be preparing myself. I want to be ready for the man that is being prepared for me. What I do wonder is where. Where will I meet him? Not at school. I think those very few options have been exhausted, and it's going to be someone I'd not met yet in July anyway. There was a pretty nice looking guy in church today. Heh, I'm just kidding. Well, he was good looking. ;) But I'm not obsessively looking for my future husband. Or really all that actively looking. Every guy has potential, but every guy had potential before God let me in on part of His plan. Just because I know one of them will be my Someone, doesn't mean I'm letting myself get all hyped up about it. I'm grateful that God has given me the strength and confidence to approach it that way.

Someday, someday soon, I will meet my Someone.

Autumn

I love the Fall. It's my favorite season, by far. The smell and the crispness of the air, the colorful leaves, the flavors, hoodies and jeans, clogs take the place of flip-flops, Thanksgiving... I love everything about it. I think my favorite part is when I realize that Autumn is finally here. It's usually the smell. I inhale deeply, and close my eyes as a contented smile makes it's way to my face. It's the same every year. I love Fall.

And it's here!

Six-man

For our senior year, my roommate Jess and I decided we wanted to live in "upperclassman housing." The building we're in has three floors of rooms: two six-mans, and two quads on each floor, and then the third floor also has two doubles (two people rooms) and the fist and second floors have four doubles [each]. Jess and I live in a six-man with one of my good friends Greta and her friend, and another of my acquaintances from Chorus and her roommate. Each pair of us have our own room to share, and then the six of us share the one and a half bathrooms, and a common area.

I really like living with so many people. There's pretty much always someone to come home to, to greet you, to smile at, whatever. Ashley and Lucia are mostly gone or in their room, so usually it's me, Jess, Greta and Lauren, though Lauren is with her boyfriend a lot. I'm glad she's here with us though because I enjoy her company. Her boyfriend is fun too (Our "Other Roommate"). I've sort of been dubbed "the mom" of the suite because if there's a problem with something in the room, or if someone is leaving for the weekend or won't be coming back until late, they'll all let me know. Jess says I give off a vibe. I don't mind it; I like taking care of people. It's a nice little community here. I enjoy it.

I've especially enjoyed getting to know Greta better. I met her at IVCF her freshman year (my sophomore year) but we didn't really become friends until the next year. I got more involved with IVCF, and she'd been asked to be on the Exec Team so we saw more of each other and started to hang out some with the same groups. By the end of the school year, we were pretty good friends. Greta heard that Jess and I were planning to try to get a six man and asked if she could join in. So now we're living together, and that has provided more opportunities for chatting and getting to know one another. It's been good to have the kind of company and support she provides. Next semester, she'll be in Florida for an internship at Epcot. It'll be weird not having her here.

Swimming in the Job Pool

I hate job searching. I really do. It makes me anxious; though I suppose that is a normal reaction to the process. I guess I didn't realize how spoiled I was, having a job for four years. And before that, I had my first job for almost two years.

When I came back to school this semester, I put off calling the Starbucks here. At the end of Spring semester, I was frustrated with my manager about things involving getting shifts off. Well, I was vocal about it to a few people--out of frustration as well as for the purpose of seeking advice--and I was apparently frustrated in front of some wrong person because when I finally did get a hold of my manager...well, I'm not welcome back at that store. It's a new experience for me. I've not really ever worked with someone that I clashed with like I do with her, let alone a manager. But we never really did click. Oh, well. I wasn't looking forward to working with her again anyway, so this is for the best. I didn't get fired, I'm still a Starbucks employee so I can work when I go home. God knew I wouldn't do anything about the situation myself (except gripe and complain about it) so He took care of it. Don't get along with Amy? No longer a problem.

I still need money, however, so I need a job. So far I've applied to Barnes and Noble, Borders, Hallmark, and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't really want to have to learn too many new things, and I don't want another job that is as high stress as Starbucks can be. I figured book stores and the other retail stores would be good. When I turned in the application at Bed Bath and Beyond, the guy sort of looked over it and then asked me if I would come back the next day for a "second interview." I was a little shocked, but I figured it was a good sign. The interview was yesterday. I'd put on the application that I could start work this Friday, but then I got to thinking that maybe I wanted to wait to hear from the other jobs. I said something about it during the interview and now I'm not sure I'm glad I said something. I'm not sure what the guy made of it. A friend told me, "You know you're not going to be hired now, right?" and that messed with me. I felt really discouraged afterwards, when I'd felt so excited going in to it. After awhile, I calmed down and felt a bit better about it. God has it handled. I'll get a job, and it will be the one I'm meant to have. One rocky interview doesn't mean anything. Even if I'm not used to rocky interviews...

I supposed this whole process is meant to humble me. I'm not used to managers not liking me, and I'm not used to people not wanting me to work for them once they've met me. We'll see. It will work out.

"D" is for "Diploma"

So far my goal of not stressing out about my classes and school work is working out fairly well. I almost had a little freak out before my first (and only so far) quiz, but I reminded myself of the promise I made...myself...and it worked out pretty well.

A few of my friends have already had some melt-downs, and the one I was witness to shook me a bit. I am in difficult classes--all science. And my ADD has been in rare form lately. I can't seem to make my brain focus on Anatomy for 50 minutes and then 30 minutes later on MicroBio for 75 minutes. Weird, right? *sigh* I need to start printing out the MicroBio slides and that should help. Anyway, I was shaken because a lot of what she was saying to her mom on the phone was an echo of the thoughts I've been chasing out of my mind before I think them too thoroughly. The information all runs together, my notes aren't that great, I don't really understand what's going on, etc. However, I'm still not going to freak out. I'll have to see how it goes when I have my first tests. Which is sooner rather than later because they're next week. So. Fun.

Things I tell myself? It's really only two classes I'm thinking I'm struggling with, I have people to study with in both classes, I'm pretty sure both teachers drop the worst test score, I just need to get though this material because I think the other units will be easier to understand, I just need to get through this semester because next will be better, and "D" is for "Diploma". So there we have it. No need to stress myself.

"But I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun."

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start taking medication again. Except...I guess I really don't think I do. I'm still feeling "crooked" with my happiness jockeying with other, less happy feelings.

I hate the feeling that there's something over my shoulder, or just around the bend...the feeling of walking around under some dark cloud so that I can't experience my happy moments to the fullest. Or something. Heh, I'm getting kind of confused, actually.

Last night was really good. My roommate turned 21 and we took her out to dinner. I've not been hanging out with that group of friends lately because sometimes they tease me a bit too much (well, not really, but it's too hard to explain). I love them dearly, and it felt really good to have that wonderful night with them.

I was a bit shocked this morning to wake up to engagement pictures on facebook. I mean, I knew Allie and Carl were getting engaged. They've basically been engaged since summer. But it was a bit of...a blow. Of some kind. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy for them. I'm more excited for Allie than I think I'm capeable of expressing. I'm still a smidge weirded out by the fact that I've never met Carl and I'm nervous about what the future will hold as far as my friendship with Allie. They say time will tell, so I'm going to be patient. In the mean time I'm going to be really really happy for my dearest friend.

<3

I'll see about lifting this cloud that's been haunting me too...

From the Inside Out

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise...

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord."

~ "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United

If I learned anything this summer, I learned that I was wrong about how much I trusted Heavenly Father. I figured, "Okay, cool. Got it down. Check that one off the list." Wrong. Really wrong. I can't remember ever getting so many obvious...signs?... in such a short amount of time. Basically, I would freak out about whatever situation and then He would fix it so I realized that I just needed to trust Him, or I would freak out about whatever situation until I realized that I needed to trust Him and then He would fix it. So I'm trying to work on it. Last night at Bible study I realized that it is not my first reaction to bring my problems to Him. I freak out about it first and have several very selfish moments, and then I ask Him for help. So I'm trying to work on that, too.

I found out this morning that I'm not welcome back at Starbucks. Here at school, that is. I mean, I sort of saw it coming. Sort of. Anyway, I figure I wasn't really looking forward to working with that manager again, so this is just Heavenly Father's way of...nudging me in a different direction, away from Starbucks. Eventually I'll quit the company all together, move on with life. For now I'll work there when I go home. Hopefully... So I've started looking for a job. I hate job searching. It's one reason that I've been at the Bucks for almost four years now. Anyway. The point is, when I found out for sure that I wasn't going back and I didn't have a job, I prayed about it [almost] right away. So yeah. I'm trying.

Sometimes, the world feels quite large.

Being back at school is accompanied by both a feeling of joy and one of loneliness. It's odd to have such conflicting feelings dwelling inside of me at once. Both are tied to dear friends, and I am in turns feeling ecstatic to be back with my school "family" and detached from others I care about...
I am so blessed by the people in my life. I try to never forget that or take it for granted, and I'm lucky because Heavenly Father gives me reminders every single day. I'm so grateful He saw fit to give me the friends He has.

While I'm here at school, I'm accepted and valued by a number of people. The feeling is mutual, but there's the smaller group of them that I have special ties with. I don't have all of these ties completely figured out, but that's okay. I'm enjoying it all for what it is. And trying not to think about the fact that this is my last year, my last two semesters with them. Last [one] semester with Greta... It's funny, God's timing. Three and a half more months of the relationship that has been growing the most, most quickly. Well, I mean, it's not going to end, but add time and distance...it won't be as happy and easy as it is now. Oh, well. I'm not dwelling on such thoughts. I love being here. I love being with them. That's all that matters. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and try to help make it work when we're not all in the same place at the same time.

The bitter-sweetness that has become some of my other friendships is an odd partner to the euphoria I feel when things are going well here. I'm used to friends being far away, and yet I've never been able to become overly fond of it. Go figure. I s'pose I was spoiled a bit over summer, always having a brother and sister to call on, to laugh with, to be with. As I read back now I see that I'm being a bit misleading. I really did mean the bitter-sweet part. It's not all bitter. I'm excited for Allie as she is at the threshold of her new life. (I couldn't help being just a bit cliché there.) She's in love and he is wonderful, and I'm so happy for her. That part is sweet. Even if I do miss her like crazy at times. (Heh.) More bitterness comes from missing Carolyn. I guess maybe I'd not made a complete mental adjustment after hearing that she was transferring? I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling about the situation, because I know I miss her, but something is keeping me from trying to stay in touch with her. I do know that I feel discouraged because I'm not a priority for her, but I'm also trying to be understanding about that because I don't really expect to be, nor should I be. I just miss her and the rock that she sometimes was for me here. Again, not all bitterness though. I feel that she made the right choice to switch schools, I'm proud of her for having the courage to do it, and I'm happy that she's started dating someone. As I said, bitter-sweet.

In other news, I've not let school stress me out too much yet, though it's only the...third week? I've been keeping a good attitude about my classes and my professors, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. Relationships (both spiritual and earthly), my mental and spiritual health and IVCF, priorities. So is doing the best I can in my classes, seeing as that's why I'm here. Stressing out about how well I'm going to do on a test or about how much work I have to do? Those just don't make that list. So far, so good.

I'll just quietly continue to harbor my strange, conflicting feelings and take each day as it comes. I don't plan on feeling the loneliness this entire semester. It will run it's course. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.