Being back at school is accompanied by both a feeling of joy and one of loneliness. It's odd to have such conflicting feelings dwelling inside of me at once. Both are tied to dear friends, and I am in turns feeling ecstatic to be back with my school "family" and detached from others I care about...
I am so blessed by the people in my life. I try to never forget that or take it for granted, and I'm lucky because Heavenly Father gives me reminders every single day. I'm so grateful He saw fit to give me the friends He has.
While I'm here at school, I'm accepted and valued by a number of people. The feeling is mutual, but there's the smaller group of them that I have special ties with. I don't have all of these ties completely figured out, but that's okay. I'm enjoying it all for what it is. And trying not to think about the fact that this is my last year, my last two semesters with them. Last [one] semester with Greta... It's funny, God's timing. Three and a half more months of the relationship that has been growing the most, most quickly. Well, I mean, it's not going to end, but add time and distance...it won't be as happy and easy as it is now. Oh, well. I'm not dwelling on such thoughts. I love being here. I love being with them. That's all that matters. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and try to help make it work when we're not all in the same place at the same time.
The bitter-sweetness that has become some of my other friendships is an odd partner to the euphoria I feel when things are going well here. I'm used to friends being far away, and yet I've never been able to become overly fond of it. Go figure. I s'pose I was spoiled a bit over summer, always having a brother and sister to call on, to laugh with, to be with. As I read back now I see that I'm being a bit misleading. I really did mean the bitter-sweet part. It's not all bitter. I'm excited for Allie as she is at the threshold of her new life. (I couldn't help being just a bit cliché there.) She's in love and he is wonderful, and I'm so happy for her. That part is sweet. Even if I do miss her like crazy at times. (Heh.) More bitterness comes from missing Carolyn. I guess maybe I'd not made a complete mental adjustment after hearing that she was transferring? I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling about the situation, because I know I miss her, but something is keeping me from trying to stay in touch with her. I do know that I feel discouraged because I'm not a priority for her, but I'm also trying to be understanding about that because I don't really expect to be, nor should I be. I just miss her and the rock that she sometimes was for me here. Again, not all bitterness though. I feel that she made the right choice to switch schools, I'm proud of her for having the courage to do it, and I'm happy that she's started dating someone. As I said, bitter-sweet.
In other news, I've not let school stress me out too much yet, though it's only the...third week? I've been keeping a good attitude about my classes and my professors, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. Relationships (both spiritual and earthly), my mental and spiritual health and IVCF, priorities. So is doing the best I can in my classes, seeing as that's why I'm here. Stressing out about how well I'm going to do on a test or about how much work I have to do? Those just don't make that list. So far, so good.
I'll just quietly continue to harbor my strange, conflicting feelings and take each day as it comes. I don't plan on feeling the loneliness this entire semester. It will run it's course. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.
1 comment:
Good luck, girlo. You'll pull through. Changes can suck, can't they? But you're right about the sweet being in there, too. New people and experiences can make it all worth it.
Post a Comment