I'm a big kid, now.

"You surprise me, [Kismet's real name]."
I'm sorry?
"No, in a good way."
I don't know what you mean.
"It's just you're...well, your political views and your...you just surprise me."

I surprise myself, lately. Specifically with the "adult conversations " I've been taking part in. Instigating, even. Tonight I was talking about [light] politics, relationships, music, and religion with my coworkers. Intelligently, and somewhat passionately. I sounded like I knew what I was talking about, and I did. Even though I have little to no experience or knowledge on the subjects. Or so I thought.

These conversations satisfy me in a way I never predicted. Like that one at that place mom took Lost and me to. I was talking to a friend of my aunt, and...that conversations was the best conversation I've ever had in my life. Of that kind anyway. It was the first time I physically saw the difference between Lost and me. I wrote a letter about it. (The difference I saw, not the conversation.)

Anyway, increasingly often, I have these moments when I think to myself, "I'm an adult, now." It is interesting to ponder.

I suppose all children feel that they'll , never grow up, but I think I just thought I would never grow up all the way. See, for the longest time, I been doing "juvenile" things thinking, "Oh, I'll grow out of this someday," and then, "I'll have to grow out of this someday," then finally, "I never grew out of this. I'm going to be a pretty interesting adult." These things included going up the stairs of my house on all fours (I don't actually do this so much anymore), sitting on the floor, bursting out into random song, saying extremely random things out loud to no one in particular (No, really. Sometimes they're not even words.), and sleeping with a "special blanket" (now I have two). Turns out I was right about being an interesting adult. But you know what? Whatever, I'll sit on the ground if I want, and I like my blankets. So there. I'm a big kid now, and no one can stop me! Just kidding. What I meant to say was: Does anyone ever really grow up? I mean, some people lose touch with their "inner child", and well, I don't want to be that person. Ever.

Ok, well, this post is long enough. I just wanted to share.

A conversation with my roommate.

Me: If I have to read the f-word one more time, I'm going to punch something. Just because I hear it all the time doesn't mean I'm ok with reading it.

Roomie: You'd think she would have asked you if it offended you.

Me: Yeah, but she's not considerate. It's Kuehl. Even if I said something to her, she would just say something like, "Well, you're an adult now" and she'd be right, but still. I visibly flinch every time I read it. It's ruining this already awful play for me.

Roomie: It's a nasty word, I don't see why we just have to learn to live with it. I mean, sometimes I do use it, but I'm joking around, I would never use it in an argument.

Me: I'm really not a prude, I promise. I know I talk about things like this fairly often.

Roomie: No, I know. And most of what you say I agree with, so it's ok.

Me: It's just that since what happened with Lost*, I've just been making some personal choices. I learned that you have to be your own person. Really be your own person. Like, through and through.


I really liked that realization....I hope I remember it as I continue to struggle to move on.....

*Pseudonym.

I feel like a real Boardie.

I belong! Heh. It's a nice feeling to know that people read my blog and deem it worthy enough to link on thier own blogs!! =D

Also, yay for new pals!

My happy thoughts for the day.

My thoughts on Heroes.

I don't have a hero. I mean, I don't think I do. This uncertainty causes me to feel that I just don't have one. There are people I look up to: my mom, my dad, Mama and Papa Khan, Aunt Eller, my uncle P and aunt C...those are the top 7 anyway. Well, as far as "elders" go... I look up to friends and peers of mine, but in a different way. That can be an entry for another day. (Hey! I'm a poet, and didn't know it!)

Now, I'm not saying that I need a hero—nor that people in general need heroes. For some, a hero is an important part in werf's life. For others, guidance comes from elsewhere. Neither group of people is better than the other, only different. Why do some have heroes, and others don't? Now, I'm using "hero" as slightly different than a "mentor". In my opinion, one does not have to ever meet one's hero. A mentor implies that werf was guided directly by said mentor. Again, in my opinion.

I think it's so cool to listen to people talking about their hero(s). Or mentor(s) for that matter. Most get this look in their eyes.....a brightness, and excitedness. I enjoy it.

Someday, I want to inspire that look in someone's eyes.

Jumbled thoughts, jumbled words.

Dear you,

I grew up.

I'll always care about you. Give me a call if you ever catch up.

~ me


The end of the friendship? She won't fight for me--for it. I gave all I could. It has to be her "turn" because I've done all I can. Most of the time now I don't really feel loss. I feel a bit sad for her because she's the one who lost something. I was a great friend to her. I know I was. Not trying to "toot my horn", but I know it's true. I love with all my heart. It's what I'm good at. And I love to do it. Sometimes, I wish she would wake up and know what to do to fix our friendship. I want to know that she wants to. We had a good thing for awhile there. It's so strange to go from knowing every single thing about a person to knowing almost nothing. And what I do know is not from her. I miss her, and I'm frustrated at myself for it. At least I don't dwell on it very often. Or even for very long. *sigh*

I'm so grateful for the friends who work with me to help our friendships grow. I'm grateful to them for being there for me--being here for me. I'm grateful for the friends who actively care about me.

I am blessed. I am. And I'm more healthy than I was before.

It's all going to be great.

Look out, Utah!

Here I come!

I'm so excited! Last night, I booked my tickets, and the question that I asked about my trip posted today. Yay!

We're going to have such a blast, my friend. I'm can't wait to see you!!!

Shell of a Life

I know that the phrase I have chosen usually has a negative connotation, but really, I mean it as a positive thing. I suppose I should have chosen either "foundation" or "beginning" instead? Well, "shell" is the way I think about it in my head.

As I was walking Chloe (my dog) this morning, I was reminded once again that I have awesome things ahead of me. One of those things is security. Between my father's house, my mother's apartment and various friends' and relatives' places, not only do I have a place to stay if I need one, but I have an almost completely furnished apartment! Ok, that may be exaggerating just a bit. Allow me to explain.

Over the past few years, family members and other benefactors have been giving me any furniture that they no longer need or want. I have a love seat, a few bookshelves, a computer desk, at least one recliner, a television, various tables, chairs to go with the kitchen table, a bedroom set (bed, dresser, nightstands), various lamps, and a few other miscellaneous things. I even have a dog to make whatever place feel like a home. I just need appliances to go with my dishes and silverware, and I'll be set! Oh, except for the apartment to put it all in...... *grin*

Anyway, I love being reminded of all my blessings. I try to remember to count them on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I know that life is not about material things, and I don't make a habit of literally counting all the things I have to put in an apartment some day. When I do think about themthough, I am in awe of how the Lord provides. He has given me a loving family, a dog that adores me, good friends, and amazing "surrogate families."

I am so excited to be experiencing this adventure that is Life, and I look forward to see where my journey takes me.

Vacation!

I love that feeling that one gets when all the little pieces of a situation just...slip into place. For a few months now, I've been wanting to go out to Utah. I want to visit my best friend and break up this routine I've been stuck in. I'm not even very deep into the routine; I just knew what was coming: school, home to work for the summer, school, home to work for the summer... The more I read the Board and talk to my friend, the more I know I'll have a blast out there. I already like a ton of people and we've never met each other!

Anyway, I've finally picked a time to go, and I think I've found plane tickets at a reasonable price!! Woot! When I told my mom about my desire to go a few weeks ago, she wasn't too happy about it. But when I explained my need for a vacation, well, it was one more piece in its place.

I'm so excited!

Valentine's Day

My mom is the best Valentine I'll ever need. That's right. My mother.

Growing up, Valentine's Day was a lot like Easter and Christmas. That is to say, my brother and I would be too excited to fall asleep on time the night before, and in the morning as soon as we woke up, we would run in to our mom's room and bug her about presents. Obviously, this was before we understood the "reason for the season".

My point is, every year, my mom tried to make February 14th extra special for us. Only, it wasn't because it was an extra special day, but because it gave her another excuse to show us how much she loved us. Because of her, that day has become a day to go out of my way to show my loved ones that I love them. I spend no time moping about how I've never had a boyfriend to share it with, instead I think about how great it will be when, someday, I will have an extra person to celebrate.

Last year, my mom was super busy around February, and she forgot about Valentine's Day. It was my first year away at college, and I was also busy, so I didn't notice the fact that I hadn't gotten a card or anything from her. I got a phone call from a fairly upset mommy that day after she realized what day it was. I just chuckled and tried to reassure her. I felt very loved that Valentine's Day.

I can't wait until I have time to start making hand-made valentines again. I would grab a bunch of red, pink and white construction paper, doilies, a red pen, and a pair of scissors and sit down to a fun craft session. I still have half of one of the hearts I made. I gave the other half to a friend and wrote a message on it. I need to find that....

"Creature Comforts"

Ahahahahaha, these are great:

• The other side of my future.
• Or perhaps something more after Lexi's heart.

Oh, yay.

The "20 Minute Rule"

The other day, my roommate told me about a rule her mother made up for their family. When someone got upset about something--sad, mad, whatever--they could be upset for 20 minutes, and then they had to stop and move on.

I've decided that I like this rule, and I am going to attempt to incorporate it into my life. Wish me luck.

That "sinking feeling"

You know the feeling you get when there are things going on with people you know, and you're pretty sure that what ever is up is really just the tip of some ominous iceberg and that all of it is somehow connected? Oh, and you're the only one who doesn't know the details?

Yeah, it makes me a little bit sick to my stomach.

Don't want this tied around my finger

For some people, a string tied around the finger serves to remind them of something of their choice. Well, I want an un-string. Some black hole to tie around my finger so that whenever I look at it, these memories get sucked right out of my head.

It's difficult when so much of your life is tied into another's and something happens to either put the friendship "on hold" or to end it. I still care about her so much. She's not talking to me and I've been pretty sure that I'm not supposed to be the one to seek out contact. When one gives 210%, it's the other person's turn. As time goes on however, I'm loosing some of my resolve. Previously, I'd been being prompted to act and it was fairly clear how I should act. I keep praying, asking what I should do, for the confidence to do it, for the patience to wait until the time is right, and the ability to recognize when He is speaking to me. I'm guessing that the "lack" of answer is my answer. I just wish I knew if it meant it was all over, and I need to move on, or if I just need to keep waiting. I've also thought that maybe I should reach out to her after all, but that could also just be from me.

In the meantime, all these things that remind me of her, all the (few) times I see her name on my buddy list....it gets to me.

I'll be fine.

The Carousel Ride that is My Life

"So the years spin by and now the [girl] is twenty.

Though [her] dreams have lost some grandeur coming true.
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty

Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round,

And the painted ponies go up and down.

We're captive on the carousel of time.

We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game."

~"The Circle Game", Joni Mitchell

That's right, "carousel ride", not "roller coaster ride". To me, the second phrase implies a fast pace, and my life is going at a comfortable pace at the moment. However, there are many ups and downs. I'm sitting on a painted pony, and just when I am lifted up, and I think that maybe, maybe it'll go just. A. Bit. Higherrrrr....I glide back down again. Back down to see the kids on the ponies on either side of me up above my head. Most of the time though, I don't even pay attention to those other kids. I'm too busy hanging on to that gilded pole, watching the progress of the cranking rod that rotates around and around, lifting my pony up and down, up and down.

My dad used to ride the carousel with me. He would stand next to my steed, hand on it's rump so he could steady me should I fall. My mom always stood on the other side of the railing, on the ground. As I went round and round and round, I would pick her face out of the crowd. She was my marker. I've been riding solo for quite awhile now. Most of the time I simply enjoy the wind in my face and the feeling of momentum. I wrap myself up in the music and the motion and the breeze.....and I close my eyes and smile.

Lately, I've been wishing for a more steady ride. Those dips, though not very deep, are getting to me. I am grateful that they don't go as far down as they used to, but they sure are good at reminding me of something that I feel I need to forget for now....

Clarity in Cliché

Nothing is crystal clear
While there are so many shades of gray.
I believe a good friend is hard to find and worth trying to keep.

You pulled the wool over your eyes,
You turned your deaf ear.
Will we ever reach that bridge to cross?

One could hear a pin drop
As we suffer in silence.
Our actions speak louder than words.

The thread is fraying
And our bridge is singed.
Is this the way the cookie crumbles?

I’m putting my foot down,
And my best one forward.
This camel’s back is broken.

You want it all to be water under the bridge,
But my river of tears is not that deep.
I’ve forgiven but cannot forget.

You think I’ve had a change of heart.
You’re treating me like I’m the plague.
Well hear me now and believe me later.

I’m no fair-weather friend.
I’m stepping up on my soapbox,
I can see a light at the end of this tunnel.

It may not be your cup of tea,
But I’ve bent over backwards,
I’ve reached the end of my rope.

This can be the turning point.
You’ll never know until you try.
We can move onward and upward.

The slate may never be wiped completely clean,
And we’ll be working from the bottom up,
But can’t time heal all wounds?

I’m holier than no one.
I’m no longer along for this ride.
So wear this on your sleeve.

~Me, with some help from friends

Responsibility?

It makes me sad. It really does. It saddens me that so many creatures and organisms are lost to our world forever. More and more die off every year. Every month. Every day, even. It is probable that some die out before we even know they exist.

I know that it is often a case of whatever organism not being able to adapt to the world's changes, but if we as the human race were more careful, and used our resources more wisely, that the volume of extinctions would decrease. Or at least the frequency at which they are occurring would diminish. Some extinctions did not have to occur. We just need to have some foresight.

I'm not a big fan of "playing God", but I do feel that we should try to preserve what we can of what He made. He gave it to us (Genesis 1:28). Doesn't that make is our responsibility? We take all of it for granted.

Anyway, soapbox session over. I was inspired.