The Carousel Ride that is My Life

"So the years spin by and now the [girl] is twenty.

Though [her] dreams have lost some grandeur coming true.
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty

Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round,

And the painted ponies go up and down.

We're captive on the carousel of time.

We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game."

~"The Circle Game", Joni Mitchell

That's right, "carousel ride", not "roller coaster ride". To me, the second phrase implies a fast pace, and my life is going at a comfortable pace at the moment. However, there are many ups and downs. I'm sitting on a painted pony, and just when I am lifted up, and I think that maybe, maybe it'll go just. A. Bit. Higherrrrr....I glide back down again. Back down to see the kids on the ponies on either side of me up above my head. Most of the time though, I don't even pay attention to those other kids. I'm too busy hanging on to that gilded pole, watching the progress of the cranking rod that rotates around and around, lifting my pony up and down, up and down.

My dad used to ride the carousel with me. He would stand next to my steed, hand on it's rump so he could steady me should I fall. My mom always stood on the other side of the railing, on the ground. As I went round and round and round, I would pick her face out of the crowd. She was my marker. I've been riding solo for quite awhile now. Most of the time I simply enjoy the wind in my face and the feeling of momentum. I wrap myself up in the music and the motion and the breeze.....and I close my eyes and smile.

Lately, I've been wishing for a more steady ride. Those dips, though not very deep, are getting to me. I am grateful that they don't go as far down as they used to, but they sure are good at reminding me of something that I feel I need to forget for now....