Oh, the craziness.

Sometimes, I love my school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXOhVhMff7k

Stolen from Allie

Ten Things I wish I could say to ten [ish] different people right now:

1. I know you love me. You've proven it. I appreciate you for that. Know I'm just not ready yet.
2. I've never had a friendship like the one I have with you before, and I'm having a blast.
3. "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half."
4. You are a beautiful Daughter of God and I consider it a privilege and a blessing to know you.
5. I don't treat you as well as I should, and I'm sorry. I love you. I'll work on it.
6. I wish I knew you better after all these years.
7. I hope you get what you need in life. I'm so much better than when you knew me. I hope you forgave me.
9. Thank you for loving and accepting me even though you didn't have to.
10. I love you and I care about you. I believe in you. We will not loose touch.

Nine things about myself:

1. Orion is my favorite constellation.
2. I have issues with trust that I try to pretend don't exist.
3. I can't remember large chunks of my childhood, probably due to my talent for denial.
4. I'd much rather think about other people's problems than my own.
5. I can listen to someone talk as if I'm skim-reading a book. Comes in handy sometimes.
6. I don't have a favorite food and I never really have, even if I said I did.
7. When I got my braces off at the age of 18, I'd had them on for half of my life.
8. I'm impulsive, but I try really hard to hide/fight it.
9. I hate feeling misunderstood.

Eight Ways to Win my heart:

1. Hug me.
2. Tell me you care about me (and use other "words of affirmation").
3. Sit with me.
4. Seek me out.
5. Laugh with me.
6. Let me help you.
7. Help me even if I try to refuse it.
8. Show me you think I'm beautiful.

Seven things that Cross my mind a lot:

1. Faith.
2. Friendships.
3. My future.
4. My Someone.
5. Wondering what Allie is up to.
6. How I can build on my relationships.
7. School stuff.

Six things I do before I fall asleep: [no particular order]

1. Set my alarm.
2. Pray.
3. Locate my Blanket.
4. Read my Bible.
5. Think.
6. Pray about the things I forgot to pray about the first time.

Five People who Mean a lot to me [who are not biologically related to me]

1. Allie
2. Hillary
3. Greta
4.Sam
5. James

Four things I am wearing right now:

1. t-shirt
2. pj pants
3. bra
4. glasses

Three Songs I listen to often: [recently]

1.Wine Red - The Hush Sound
2. From The Inside Out - Kristian Stanfill
3. Je Fais de Toi Mon Essentiel - Le Roi Soleil

Two things I want to do before I die:

1. Have a career at a zoo.
2. Be a mom.

One Confession:

1. I don't give myself enough credit. Or I don't believe in myself enough. Choose your pick.

Funniest Day of My Life

So at first, I wasn't going to blog about any of this because I'd told the stories so many times, I didn't want to have to write it up. But then the funny things kept happening and this last one was the clincher. So now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you the funniest day of my life.

"I almost got hit in the head with a squirrel!"
Greta and I were walking to our 8 o'clock classes this morning, chatting a bit, struggling through our early-morning haze. We round the corner of a building and walk under a tree. As one would expect when walking under a tree, nothing happened. Then we came to the second tree. WHOOOSH THUMPsqueek! A squirrel came whizzing out of the tree, past my face, and landed at my feet. I'd been about to take a step forward (seeing as I was in the act of walking) so I just about stepped on it. If I'd been any farther forward, it would have brushed my nose on the way down. The squirrel got up very quickly and ran to the next tree, however Greta and I took a moment to get over our shock. No more early-morning haze after that.

"How did your pants get in our room?"
There was this pair of sweat pants in the room that Jess and I share (the room, not the pants). They'd been there for the past few days and I thought they were Jess' but she thought they were mine, so I would put them on her chair, then she'd put them on mine. Today I asked her if they were hers, and she said no. I was wearing my sweat pants and hers were in her closet. (We have similar pairs.) Greta also has a pair of sweats that looks like ours do, so we decided to ask if they were hers. "Are they? Oh, I guess so." Then, Jess and I, in unison, "How did your pants get in our room?!" None of the three of us could figure out how they'd gotten there. We had a really good laugh.

"Just because I'm not speaking to her doesn't mean we can't talk."
Jess: It's so cold! Why can't we go to school in Florida?
Me: Greta gets to go to school in Florida.
Jess: I know. I hate her. We're not speaking anymore.
***Later***
Jess: Marileigh, I told Greta we weren't speaking anymore.
Me: That's funny. You told her you weren't speaking to her anymore.
Jess: Just because I'm not speaking to her doesn't mean we can't talk.

"Well, you guys didn't look very hard!"
The remote to our DVD player has been missing for the last several days. I tore apart our common area to find it. I figured it somehow found it's way down into our couch, but our couch is from Good Will and sort of cruddy and I didn't really want to reach down into it. We needed the remote to put subtitles on a movie tonight and so we did another tour of the room. Still nothing. I explained to everyone how I thought it had fallen IN the couch and that I didn't really want to root around in there. Our friend Kristin dove right in. After a moment, she exclaimed the above and we all cheered as she held up a remote. Except that it was black. Not our remote. "Except that's not it!!" We all fell over laughing. Literally. She dug around the other side and found the right one and we cheered again. And now we have someone else's lost remote.

"You can start with listening."
Greta: You guys should stop being mean to me.
Me: I'll be nice to you if you're nice to me.
Greta: I should get that red one with stars.
Lauren: You can start with listening.
Me: Haha, good one!
Greta: Wait, what did she say?

Also, sometime throughout the day, Greta said, "Bootylicious."

Funniest day ever.

So I was tagged...

I don't usually get tagged...

Hmm, 7 random facts?

1. I recently discovered that I love springhaas.


2. I'm graduating in May with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Animal Biotechnology and Conservation with a focus in Zoo Science.


3. I secretly wish I were from Lancaster, PA.


4. I lead a Bible Study at school.


5. I almost showed a dairy heifer at the agricultural fair at my school.


6. I'm turning 22 in 14 days.


7. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Allie pretty much already tagged the people I know have blogs, so if you read this, and you've not been tagged by anyone else, consider yourself tagged by me.

WWJD?

Greta and I had an interesting conversation last night. Interesting in a good way.

Sometimes when I say things (sentences), I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from/why I'm saying them, but I find myself repeating them in a conversation and feeling them literally resounding through me. It is then that I figure out where they came from/why I'm saying them. Heavenly Father has a funny way of doing that to me. Last night was one of those times. I actually stopped the conversation to jot down some notes, so I could record them here.

Anyway, we'd started discussing how a few of our friends had done something pretty funny, but that it made us uncomfortable. Hillary had asked some boys to take a sign for her. There was a no swimming or ice skating sign by the little pond on campus, and she gave a couple of them boxes of cheezits to bring it to her. And like, yeah, it's pretty funny. It's funny that she thought of it, it's funny that they brought it to her, it's funny that she has it hanging in her room now. But it's still wrong. Greta and I think that now the fun is over, they should give it back, though we've not tried to tell Hillary this yet. The other day, when we were sharing with her that she probably shouldn't have done it, she wasn't really receiving it well. She didn't get defensive quite, but she definitely thought we were being silly/stupid for worrying about "just a sign." I stopped trying to talk to her about it.

The situation still makes me uncomfortable though. It really got me thinking. Talking it out with Greta helped me come to some important conclusions.

Hillary is one of my best friends and she is a very good person and I respect her and love her very much. But as good a person as she is, Hillary is an example of someone who seems to fudge the little things sometimes. That is unfortunate because it is the little things that get us--little things add up. When we go back to the Father at the end of our days, it's going to be those little things that are gold stars on our "records." Black and white? That's easy. "Don't commit murder." Okay, cool. Got it. Obey authority? For example, don't speed. It's the law. It might be dumb, but it's the law. It is wrong to speed. Rules like that are not quite as easy to "accommodate" sometimes. It's a gray area. It's "fudgable." I fudge on it frequently in fact. It's those little things, those gray areas that The Enemy uses to trip us up. To guide our feet further and further along a slippery slope. Pile on enough little things, you'll slip.

And if we're not worried about ourselves, about our own salvation, what about non-believers? What about "greener" Christians? Shouldn't we be at least be worried about them? They look to us for an example of what is right. We become the standard for what is good. It may not be a conscious decision made by anyone involved, but the fact is we're being watched and our actions are being noticed and taken into account. Not everyone knows what's right and what's wrong. There's not quite a clear distinction. I want people who know me to be able to say, "What would Heather do?" and to know that what I would do is what Jesus would've done and what God wants me to do. To know that if what I'm doing is approved by them, that it is very much the right thing to do.

I wish that I had been a better friend and done my job by helping to hold my friend accountable for fudging on this.

It's just a sign. But it's also an inconvienence to those that now have to deal with the replacement of it. It's some one's money, some one's time. Taking that sign was still stealing, and so was asking someone to take it for you. Stealing is a sin. That's not gray. And it's definitely not white.

Amendment

My day improved drastically. =D I can't remember what began the improvements, but it was all rounded off with a nice conversation with Allie. I hadn't realized how much I was missing her! Maybe that was part of my problem, heh. Now I've had my fix and I'm good for awhile again. ;p

Excerpt from an E-mail

"I think I'm having one of those days...Ugh, I've just felt so...I don't even know all day today. I had a crappy night last night because I was watching mom's dog for her and he wouldn't let me sleep. Then I've just been off all day today. And now I'm sitting here next to a five page 'document' from my Devil-Incarnate anatomy professor that I'm going to have to make in to a 'flow sheet.' I'm being harsh, but I really, really don't like her at this moment. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated and I'm starting to feel Depressed which is really just the beginning of the end and since I have to function for the next several hours and tomorrow, I'm trying to fight it.

Also, I've been thinking about...your wedding and eventual moving away and for some reason it's really really hard. And I can't really figure out why. I mean, you've lived far away these past four years and it's been okay. I'm still sort of freaked out because I haven't met him, even though I feel dumb about that. Maybe that's not even it at all. Maybe I just feel like I still need you and this whole thing, while super good for you, just kind of leaves me feeling a little left in the dust. You're moving up and on in life, as you should. And I'm happy and excited for you. Remember that, okay? But I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't be offended if I'm a little scared, too. I'm just now realizing..."

The end of it was happier, I promise.

Sometimes I need to update my blog...

I'm home for the weekend. It's good to see my dogs. Even Shep attached himself to me for awhile after I got here. He even lay down on the floor next to me. I'm not sure he's done that since he was a puppy.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the surgeon. I'm not nervous about it, because I'm not afraid of the surgery. I do however feel apprehensive about it because my winter break is getting busier and busier and I would really like to be able to drive. And you know, walk. Sort of. Maybe hobble? Or crutch? *sigh*

I've been sick this week, but I think that I'm finally getting better. Greta took pretty good care of me. Sometimes it's nice not to have to be "the mom." Actually, despite being sick, this week was a good one. I had an Anat and Phys test on Monday, that I actually think I did well on. We'll see about that. The rest of the day was nice because my lab was canceled. Tuesday was fairly normal. Wednesday was a Thursday schedule so Nosey Bear came for his weekly visit (he's a dog that belongs to a friend of mine. My roommates and I watch him while she's in class on Thursday mornings). Then my classes were canceled because my one lab was scheduled for a trip to the zoo. That was pretty neat. I met my new hero. This guy started working at the zoo 15 years ago as a fry cook in the little food place there. Then he did the internship required by my school there, then he graduated from my school in 2000. 8 years later, and he's the General Curator. My hero. Anyway, so then today we had off school and Greta and I hung out and went to a fabric store and then at 7 something I drove home.

The End.

Rockin' Lock-In 2008

This weekend was a blast. It was crazy and chaotic and wonderful and terrific and I'm really sore.

I got good feedback about my "talk" and the music I helped organize went well too.

I'm so glad Carolyn was able to make it and that Chris and Scott decided to come.

I love IVCF. =)

"Talk" for IVCF

Survivor – In the World as a Christian

In the times after Jesus died, the world was a dangerous place for His flock: All but one of His apostles were violently killed for trying to preach the Gospel. They were stoned, crucified and beaten to death. Many other believers met in secret, fearing for their lives. It was either openly proclaim your faith in the Truth and probably be killed, or hide it fearfully in the hopes that you weren’t found out. A dangerous time for Christ’s followers. Some individuals were bolder than others, though they generally still felt the need for secrecy. A code was developed to know when one was speaking with another believer. If you were a traveler during this time, and you came upon a stranger on the road and you thought they might be a fellow Christian, you would draw an arc in the sand. If the stranger were just a stranger, they might just think you were a crazy person and leave in a hurry (ha) or, if the stranger were follower of Christ, they would draw another arc, forming a rough outline of a fish. This image was a representation for the Greek word for fish: “ichthys.” It is said that the Greek letters for “ichthys” formed an acronym that stood for “Jesus Christ, God’s Son, Savior.” This code was also thought to indicate new meeting places for Christian congregations meeting in secret.

Today, we don’t need secret codes or hiding places; we can be vocal and demonstrative about our faith. We can meet when we want, where we want with out the fear of losing our lives for what we believe in. (At least, mostly.) Just because we don’t have to hide our faith doesn’t mean that we are in any less danger today. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “…Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” We are in danger. Every moment of every day. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” He’s out to get you. As believers, we are a threat to him.

Some of the tools Satan uses against us are Fear, Stress, and Temptation. Now, everyone here is perfect, so none of you have any idea what I’m talking about, right? Yeah, I’m sure. As college students, we’re in the thick of it. It’s a time when most people are trying to figure out what direction their lives are taking and the road is rockier for some than for others.

When I left high school four years ago, I thought that I had conquered my Depression. I thought I’d defeated the gray haze that took my life from me every so often. I was wrong. When I got to college, the Enemy used every opportunity I gave him to beat me over the head with my weakness. He hit me hard and fast and left me dizzy and despairing. The stress of college took over my life. I felt like I was drowning. On the way down I grasped at everything I could think of (which didn’t end up amounting to much) but it was when I felt broken and like I had nothing left that I stopped trying to fight it on my own and turned to God. That was so much easier! I don’t know how people who don’t know God can stand everyday and walk under the weight of the world. I need every bit of help the Lord gives me, and even with it, I still stumble.

While leaning on God is what He wants us to do and what we should do, it can make life harder for us in a way. Being an active believer has its obvious benefits, but it also puts obstacles in our way. It draws attention to us. We can just blend in with the crowd—not quite. At least, we shouldn’t be able to if we’re doing it right. Just kidding! Matthew 5:16 tells us to “let [our] light shine before men” and in doing so, it sets us apart. Being different from the masses can be hard. Our differences make many people uncomfortable and they don’t welcome our nonconformity. John 15:19 says, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” We are not of this world. We aspire to something better; we are called to something greater.

Don’t be fooled by this world we live in. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Though this is not the age of secret meetings or coded messages, I hope that we can still feel the danger around us as the first Christians did. We don’t need to fear being stoned or crucified, but the threat is just as real. As it says in Ephesians 6:12, “…our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Luckily for us, Heavenly Father has provided us with tools to survive in the world as a Christian: “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:14-17. The Lord has equipped us for our role in the world today; we just have to tap into it all by communicating with Him and by being conscious of our “spiritual status.” Keep tabs on it. If you don’t know where you stand, you’re vulnerable to being attacked by any of the many weapons at Satan’s disposal. So, friends, “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” (Ephesians 6:11). That’s the only way we can successfully survive in this world as committed Christians.

'Cause that's not what Life is for.

As I was walking back to my dorm this evening, listening to the rain around me, and to the crickets and frogs and other night things, avoiding worms on the sidewalk, and swinging my umbrella around but not using it, I wondered why campus couldn't always be that peaceful. Why life couldn't always be that peaceful. Why it couldn't be as peaceful as raindrops at night, or being cozied up on a couch with friends, or painting, or many other things. Why couldn't our existence just be a bunch of those moments strung together? I wondered about these things as I walked back to my dorm room this evening.

Even though I already knew the answer.

Never pray for patience.

It's no more mystery,

It is finally clear to me

You're the home my heart searched for so long.

And it is you I have loved all along.

~Dana Glover (It Is You I Have Loved)

Okay, corny, I know. But as my iPod was playing this song, I remembered a conversation I'd had the other day with Greta about Heavenly Father's message to me about "my someone." (For the record, I feel a bit silly talking about this, but I still think it's blog-worthy. I promise it's not all I think about.) I can't remember how the conversation started, but something caused me to tell her that I'll be really disappointed if I don't know that I've met him. Then, a few years down the road, when I'm telling the man I'm going to marry about all this, he'll say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009." Then I'd say, "I was in such and such a place during this one random month between July 2008 and July 2009!!" So I mean, it wouldn't be all bad, because I'll be getting married to someone eventually. I'd just really like this message to mean that I'm going to meet him and be friends with him...

I was a little off for awhile today. It was during that period that this song came on. Sometimes, it would be really nice to have a someone to call during those moments. Someone I wouldn't feel... I'm not sure, really. I've been working so hard the past few years to not be...gah, I can't really put it in to words. Hmm... I've been trying to become less...dependant? I've run into problems with friends over the years, and rightfully so. So sometimes I feel that it would be nice to have someone who I'm supposed to lean on. So I get impatient. Which brings me to another thought, actually.

We had a speaker at IVCF on Wednesday, and he spoke on patience. He brought with him the Webster's Dictionary definition of the word:

"the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient."

Which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is extremely helpful. Ha. Fortunately, the speaker didn't think this was very useful either, so he also brought the definition of the word "patient":

"bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint."

Without complaint. Just do it. Basically, as our speaker concluded, being patient is being obedient. So out of obedience to the Lord, I need to try to wait patiently for the right time. The time when I get to meet him, and know he is him. He's being prepared for me, and I need to make sure I'm prepared for him. If I'm being impatient about it, then I'm not being obedient, and if I'm not being obedient, then I'm not being the best person I can be, so I'm not ready for him.

The End.

Just call me "Cripple."

Last April I sprained my ankle. Badly. Really badly. Greta likes to tell people that I tried to tear my foot off of my body. (She's a funny one.) The way it happened is slightly amusing, actually. IVCF is helps out campus security every year during A-Day (a agricultural fair run by the students. It's a state fair now. That's right. We're awesome.). We stay out all night--from 9pm to 6am the next morning--and make sure other, less sober, responsible people don't mess with things. It's super fun and I love it. Great bonding happens around 3am. Anyway, we were out there, the second or third night, and I get a phone call around 11 o'clock:

"Hey mom!"
"Hey. Do you get a break?"
"No, why?"
"Because I want to give you these brownies I made you."
"What? Where are you?!"
"At Security."

At this point I hung up on my mom in excitement. Heh. See, every year either my dad or my mom come up and spend a day of A-Day with me, but both of them had said that they couldn't make it last year. Well, Mom got sneaky and decided to surprise me one night. I was very excited. I hopped in the go-kart to meet her at security. After a brief greeting, I told her where to park her car and went to take the cart back to the other IVCFers. Then, I started running to the parking lot to meet her. I rounded a corner, and out of the range of the street lights. Suddenly, down I went. I'd managed to find a pot hole in the walkway as I was running in the dark. I knew immediately that I'd hurt my ankle, but it only felt like I'd rolled it. I figured I could walk it off. As I limped the rest of the way to the parking lot, I began to think that maybe it was worse than just a rolled ankle.

Long story short, it hurt a whole lot, mom went to her hotel room, I stayed out with my "crew." Around 2am I decided it was really bad, and that I should probably go to the hospital. (There's one about .2 seconds from school.) Great said she'd go with me, and we got a ride from Security. We sat around, and then a man took x-rays of it very roughly (it hurt!!) and then we sat around some more. A lot. The doctor finally came in for 2 min and gave me crutches and referred me to a specialist. She told me that I had tears in all three of the ligaments in my ankle. So then I was on crutches for a week and a half, and in a brace for a month. Over the summer I did physical therapy, but my ankle still hurt. After taking more x-rays (one set "under stress." THAT was fun) the doctor determined that I have a space/hole in my ankle joint because the ligaments didn't tighten up enough. He said I could either deal with the pain, or get surgery. I'm opting for the surgery. I have an appointment with the surgeon on the 11th. Which is the main purpose for this entry.

I'm hoping to get the surgery done over winter break so I don't have to wait super long and so that I'll hopefully have enough recovery time before I have to be back in school, climbing two flights of stairs multiple times a day. Hopefully this does the trick.

Blurkers?

So on a couple blogs that I frequent "Blurker Amnesty Day" has been a topic. One I'm intrigued by. I missed the actual day because I didn't really think I would have any "blukers." Curiosity in this case has won out, however. So, here it is, a couple days late:

"I hereby proclaim that September 22nd, 2008 shall be Blurker Amnesty Day. You are probably saying to yourself - "Self, what is Blurker Amnesty Day?" Well this is the day that all blurkers can (and hopefully will) comment and make their presence known without penalty. You may even be saying to yourself - "Self, what is a blurker?" To answer you again, oh inquisitive one - a blurker is a blog lurker. Someone who reads a blog but never posts any comments.

So my unobtrusive friend - I am calling you out. In exchange for your comment, you have my solemn promise that I will not stalk you or request a comment from you in the future. Amnesty.

In case you are saying to yourself - "Self, how do I comment on a blog?" Well, I can answer that as well. Simply click on the area that says X # of people had something to say. You will see a comment box pop up. If you are signed into blogger then you can type your comment and click submit. If you don't have a google account then type your comment and make sure to include your name and perhaps your location (so I know who you are) and select anonymous. Then click submit. It is just that easy!"

I think this may have caused me to become a blurker of the mastermind behind this new holiday...

And we'll have a song.

Since I got to school, I've been "church hopping" with friends every Sunday. We like visiting the different churches in the area. Today, I went to a new one and I really really liked it. I'll probably go back every other Sunday. (On the other two Sundays a month I go to my friend's new church with her.)

This church has a few young married couples and I couldn't help but think about how I can't wait to go to church with my husband on Sundays, and then eventually with our family. His arm around the back of my seat, people greeting us as a couple, someone to talk with about what we learned in church that day, and, most importantly, someone who shares my faith and desires to grow in his as I grow in mine. I want to meet a man who can be that for me.

Looking around that room this morning got me to thinking about the fact that within the year I'll meet him. I don't wonder why God clued me in to this fact--I need to be preparing myself. I want to be ready for the man that is being prepared for me. What I do wonder is where. Where will I meet him? Not at school. I think those very few options have been exhausted, and it's going to be someone I'd not met yet in July anyway. There was a pretty nice looking guy in church today. Heh, I'm just kidding. Well, he was good looking. ;) But I'm not obsessively looking for my future husband. Or really all that actively looking. Every guy has potential, but every guy had potential before God let me in on part of His plan. Just because I know one of them will be my Someone, doesn't mean I'm letting myself get all hyped up about it. I'm grateful that God has given me the strength and confidence to approach it that way.

Someday, someday soon, I will meet my Someone.

Autumn

I love the Fall. It's my favorite season, by far. The smell and the crispness of the air, the colorful leaves, the flavors, hoodies and jeans, clogs take the place of flip-flops, Thanksgiving... I love everything about it. I think my favorite part is when I realize that Autumn is finally here. It's usually the smell. I inhale deeply, and close my eyes as a contented smile makes it's way to my face. It's the same every year. I love Fall.

And it's here!

Six-man

For our senior year, my roommate Jess and I decided we wanted to live in "upperclassman housing." The building we're in has three floors of rooms: two six-mans, and two quads on each floor, and then the third floor also has two doubles (two people rooms) and the fist and second floors have four doubles [each]. Jess and I live in a six-man with one of my good friends Greta and her friend, and another of my acquaintances from Chorus and her roommate. Each pair of us have our own room to share, and then the six of us share the one and a half bathrooms, and a common area.

I really like living with so many people. There's pretty much always someone to come home to, to greet you, to smile at, whatever. Ashley and Lucia are mostly gone or in their room, so usually it's me, Jess, Greta and Lauren, though Lauren is with her boyfriend a lot. I'm glad she's here with us though because I enjoy her company. Her boyfriend is fun too (Our "Other Roommate"). I've sort of been dubbed "the mom" of the suite because if there's a problem with something in the room, or if someone is leaving for the weekend or won't be coming back until late, they'll all let me know. Jess says I give off a vibe. I don't mind it; I like taking care of people. It's a nice little community here. I enjoy it.

I've especially enjoyed getting to know Greta better. I met her at IVCF her freshman year (my sophomore year) but we didn't really become friends until the next year. I got more involved with IVCF, and she'd been asked to be on the Exec Team so we saw more of each other and started to hang out some with the same groups. By the end of the school year, we were pretty good friends. Greta heard that Jess and I were planning to try to get a six man and asked if she could join in. So now we're living together, and that has provided more opportunities for chatting and getting to know one another. It's been good to have the kind of company and support she provides. Next semester, she'll be in Florida for an internship at Epcot. It'll be weird not having her here.

Swimming in the Job Pool

I hate job searching. I really do. It makes me anxious; though I suppose that is a normal reaction to the process. I guess I didn't realize how spoiled I was, having a job for four years. And before that, I had my first job for almost two years.

When I came back to school this semester, I put off calling the Starbucks here. At the end of Spring semester, I was frustrated with my manager about things involving getting shifts off. Well, I was vocal about it to a few people--out of frustration as well as for the purpose of seeking advice--and I was apparently frustrated in front of some wrong person because when I finally did get a hold of my manager...well, I'm not welcome back at that store. It's a new experience for me. I've not really ever worked with someone that I clashed with like I do with her, let alone a manager. But we never really did click. Oh, well. I wasn't looking forward to working with her again anyway, so this is for the best. I didn't get fired, I'm still a Starbucks employee so I can work when I go home. God knew I wouldn't do anything about the situation myself (except gripe and complain about it) so He took care of it. Don't get along with Amy? No longer a problem.

I still need money, however, so I need a job. So far I've applied to Barnes and Noble, Borders, Hallmark, and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't really want to have to learn too many new things, and I don't want another job that is as high stress as Starbucks can be. I figured book stores and the other retail stores would be good. When I turned in the application at Bed Bath and Beyond, the guy sort of looked over it and then asked me if I would come back the next day for a "second interview." I was a little shocked, but I figured it was a good sign. The interview was yesterday. I'd put on the application that I could start work this Friday, but then I got to thinking that maybe I wanted to wait to hear from the other jobs. I said something about it during the interview and now I'm not sure I'm glad I said something. I'm not sure what the guy made of it. A friend told me, "You know you're not going to be hired now, right?" and that messed with me. I felt really discouraged afterwards, when I'd felt so excited going in to it. After awhile, I calmed down and felt a bit better about it. God has it handled. I'll get a job, and it will be the one I'm meant to have. One rocky interview doesn't mean anything. Even if I'm not used to rocky interviews...

I supposed this whole process is meant to humble me. I'm not used to managers not liking me, and I'm not used to people not wanting me to work for them once they've met me. We'll see. It will work out.

"D" is for "Diploma"

So far my goal of not stressing out about my classes and school work is working out fairly well. I almost had a little freak out before my first (and only so far) quiz, but I reminded myself of the promise I made...myself...and it worked out pretty well.

A few of my friends have already had some melt-downs, and the one I was witness to shook me a bit. I am in difficult classes--all science. And my ADD has been in rare form lately. I can't seem to make my brain focus on Anatomy for 50 minutes and then 30 minutes later on MicroBio for 75 minutes. Weird, right? *sigh* I need to start printing out the MicroBio slides and that should help. Anyway, I was shaken because a lot of what she was saying to her mom on the phone was an echo of the thoughts I've been chasing out of my mind before I think them too thoroughly. The information all runs together, my notes aren't that great, I don't really understand what's going on, etc. However, I'm still not going to freak out. I'll have to see how it goes when I have my first tests. Which is sooner rather than later because they're next week. So. Fun.

Things I tell myself? It's really only two classes I'm thinking I'm struggling with, I have people to study with in both classes, I'm pretty sure both teachers drop the worst test score, I just need to get though this material because I think the other units will be easier to understand, I just need to get through this semester because next will be better, and "D" is for "Diploma". So there we have it. No need to stress myself.

"But I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun."

I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start taking medication again. Except...I guess I really don't think I do. I'm still feeling "crooked" with my happiness jockeying with other, less happy feelings.

I hate the feeling that there's something over my shoulder, or just around the bend...the feeling of walking around under some dark cloud so that I can't experience my happy moments to the fullest. Or something. Heh, I'm getting kind of confused, actually.

Last night was really good. My roommate turned 21 and we took her out to dinner. I've not been hanging out with that group of friends lately because sometimes they tease me a bit too much (well, not really, but it's too hard to explain). I love them dearly, and it felt really good to have that wonderful night with them.

I was a bit shocked this morning to wake up to engagement pictures on facebook. I mean, I knew Allie and Carl were getting engaged. They've basically been engaged since summer. But it was a bit of...a blow. Of some kind. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy for them. I'm more excited for Allie than I think I'm capeable of expressing. I'm still a smidge weirded out by the fact that I've never met Carl and I'm nervous about what the future will hold as far as my friendship with Allie. They say time will tell, so I'm going to be patient. In the mean time I'm going to be really really happy for my dearest friend.

<3

I'll see about lifting this cloud that's been haunting me too...

From the Inside Out

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise...

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord."

~ "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United

If I learned anything this summer, I learned that I was wrong about how much I trusted Heavenly Father. I figured, "Okay, cool. Got it down. Check that one off the list." Wrong. Really wrong. I can't remember ever getting so many obvious...signs?... in such a short amount of time. Basically, I would freak out about whatever situation and then He would fix it so I realized that I just needed to trust Him, or I would freak out about whatever situation until I realized that I needed to trust Him and then He would fix it. So I'm trying to work on it. Last night at Bible study I realized that it is not my first reaction to bring my problems to Him. I freak out about it first and have several very selfish moments, and then I ask Him for help. So I'm trying to work on that, too.

I found out this morning that I'm not welcome back at Starbucks. Here at school, that is. I mean, I sort of saw it coming. Sort of. Anyway, I figure I wasn't really looking forward to working with that manager again, so this is just Heavenly Father's way of...nudging me in a different direction, away from Starbucks. Eventually I'll quit the company all together, move on with life. For now I'll work there when I go home. Hopefully... So I've started looking for a job. I hate job searching. It's one reason that I've been at the Bucks for almost four years now. Anyway. The point is, when I found out for sure that I wasn't going back and I didn't have a job, I prayed about it [almost] right away. So yeah. I'm trying.

Sometimes, the world feels quite large.

Being back at school is accompanied by both a feeling of joy and one of loneliness. It's odd to have such conflicting feelings dwelling inside of me at once. Both are tied to dear friends, and I am in turns feeling ecstatic to be back with my school "family" and detached from others I care about...
I am so blessed by the people in my life. I try to never forget that or take it for granted, and I'm lucky because Heavenly Father gives me reminders every single day. I'm so grateful He saw fit to give me the friends He has.

While I'm here at school, I'm accepted and valued by a number of people. The feeling is mutual, but there's the smaller group of them that I have special ties with. I don't have all of these ties completely figured out, but that's okay. I'm enjoying it all for what it is. And trying not to think about the fact that this is my last year, my last two semesters with them. Last [one] semester with Greta... It's funny, God's timing. Three and a half more months of the relationship that has been growing the most, most quickly. Well, I mean, it's not going to end, but add time and distance...it won't be as happy and easy as it is now. Oh, well. I'm not dwelling on such thoughts. I love being here. I love being with them. That's all that matters. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and try to help make it work when we're not all in the same place at the same time.

The bitter-sweetness that has become some of my other friendships is an odd partner to the euphoria I feel when things are going well here. I'm used to friends being far away, and yet I've never been able to become overly fond of it. Go figure. I s'pose I was spoiled a bit over summer, always having a brother and sister to call on, to laugh with, to be with. As I read back now I see that I'm being a bit misleading. I really did mean the bitter-sweet part. It's not all bitter. I'm excited for Allie as she is at the threshold of her new life. (I couldn't help being just a bit cliché there.) She's in love and he is wonderful, and I'm so happy for her. That part is sweet. Even if I do miss her like crazy at times. (Heh.) More bitterness comes from missing Carolyn. I guess maybe I'd not made a complete mental adjustment after hearing that she was transferring? I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling about the situation, because I know I miss her, but something is keeping me from trying to stay in touch with her. I do know that I feel discouraged because I'm not a priority for her, but I'm also trying to be understanding about that because I don't really expect to be, nor should I be. I just miss her and the rock that she sometimes was for me here. Again, not all bitterness though. I feel that she made the right choice to switch schools, I'm proud of her for having the courage to do it, and I'm happy that she's started dating someone. As I said, bitter-sweet.

In other news, I've not let school stress me out too much yet, though it's only the...third week? I've been keeping a good attitude about my classes and my professors, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. Relationships (both spiritual and earthly), my mental and spiritual health and IVCF, priorities. So is doing the best I can in my classes, seeing as that's why I'm here. Stressing out about how well I'm going to do on a test or about how much work I have to do? Those just don't make that list. So far, so good.

I'll just quietly continue to harbor my strange, conflicting feelings and take each day as it comes. I don't plan on feeling the loneliness this entire semester. It will run it's course. At least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.

Prayer works.

An answer:

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"

Luke 1:45

My Someone

Goodnight, my someone,

Goodnight, my love,

Sleep tight, my someone,

Sleep tight, my love.

Our star is shining it's brightest light

For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might.

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

True love can be whispered from heart to heart

When lovers are parted, they say

But I must depend on a wish and a star

As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,

If dreams there be.

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may, and i wish they might,

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

Goodnight,

Goodnight.

Except I'm not depending on "a wish and a star," I'm depending on Heavenly Father.  He recently revealed to be that I'm going to meet "my someone" within the year.  I'm working very hard to trust Him because to be honest, the time-line-thing there frightens me.  But the Lord knows what's best for me, and as a dear friend pointed out, He doesn't want me to be confused and sad as I've started to feel, he wants me to be happy.

It's still very much in the works.  I've begun preparing myself, and more and more of my questions are being answered... that is, after I've figured out what to ask.  Prayer works.  *nod*

Spiritual "Growth-Spurt."

This summer is amazing. The Lord is moving in my life like never before. It's all very exciting.

At the start of summer, I was stressing over the fact that I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't sure how I was going to make money and I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. Then I "got smart" and realized God was handling it. Everything has been falling in to place since then.

I'm reading my Bible every night, I'm listening to good music, I'm fellow shipping with new Christian friends, I'm going to church every week.

I feel great, and I'm learning a lot.

The End.

Ramblings about School and Home.

Coming back to school after being home for break was like returning from a visit. And by that I mean...home feels temporary. But that fact is no longer a source of melancholy for me... It was a pleasant visit, and I look forward to going back. It just didn't quite feel like my definition of what a "home" should feel like? It's "just until I graduate," or "just until I get my own place." And I'm looking forward to both those happenings. I think...

Along with the sense of going back to where I belonged (which is odd because I was headed for school) was a feeling of...bracing myself. For...impact. With something not quite solid. Mammalogy is a big source of stress for me, and I was happy to leave it behind for Spring Break. Now I'm here again and it's "back to business."

Interesting.

Yukkuri hanashi te kudasai!

(Please speak slowly!)

We have a foregin exchange student! And by "we," I mean the Khan's. But I was there when he got to the house. His name is Daiki, and he is a 17 year old from Japan.

FridgeBoy, The Chaser and I took him out to Cici's and to a movie. (We saw "Vantage Point." It was good. Mostly.) When Daiki got here, we were instructed to speak slowly to make it easier for him to understand. He knows some English, but it takes some thinking to remember some of the words he needs to use, or what our words mean. Well, as a few readers may know, speaking slowly is not one of FridgeBoy's talents. For most of the night, every time FB would say something to Daiki, Daiki would look at me! He could understand The Chaser and I better, so he sort of used me as a translator. FB to English so he could translate the English to Japanese in his head. Poor boy.  He's a good sport though. We had him laughing a bit. =D

I wish him luck.

It's all about Perspective...

How hard life seems from this angle. When I'm here, practically in the thick of it. The stress I left has a foreseeable end. The stress I've come back to... I can neither understand it, nor find the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are bright moments--moments that I cling to--but the knowledge looms like the most cliche black cloud. It's like driving in and out of a rain storm...one that is headed in the same direction I am...

I keep praying for perspective. A reminder that in the grand scheme of things, this is nowhere near as big as it seems. And yet it's bigger than the stress at school; more serious. But maybe only slightly...? I don't know. I've not mastered keeping the other stress in perspective, so I'm not sure how well this is going to go.

Perspective. It's all about perspective...

Everyone has their ups and downs...right?

Is it the weather? Is it the stress of school? Was I just on a high for too long, and now I'm paying for that pleasure?

Stop the ride! I wanna get off!

Ok, maybe not... I'd forgotten what this feels like. It's not terrible...just...I prefer the happiness and excitement I felt on a daily basis. Duh, right? The past few days I've just felt...unsteady. Not high, almost low, but...never really stable. Some sort of roller coaster with very short slopes.

I think there is some sort of battle going on inside of me. Depression vs....what? God? Well, yes. But more specifically? I guess if I could figure that out I could help it win.

I want the sun to come back out. I want to stop feeling...paranoid about my new friends. That always seems to happen eventually... *sigh* I'll just spend less time with them. Just because I'm so happy in their presence doesn't mean they're always as psyched about it as I am. Oh, well.

Garbled.

The Band Game

Haha, Chilly rocks. (So does alishka, because really it was she who gave me the idea. So they both rock.)

Here it is, my new album:

"Where We Are Going" by Bridging the Gap

I think it suits me. =)

High On Life

I had a conversation about someone this evening, and as I was driving home I just felt so....elated. This person is no longer in my life, and I don't think I could be happier about it--which is odd in a way. (In case you hadn't guessed, I'm talking about Lost.) I'm so much better off now, but a few months ago I was doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Now that it has, life is good. So good. In part because of the absence of Lost, but also in part because of...well, me. Mama Kahn told me earlier that I take any little bit (help, support, love, etc.) given to me, and run with it. I hadn't thought of it that way before. It is one thing that separates me from her. I tend not to self-destruct, and she has quite a talent for it. It's unfortunate, really. Though I still have bitter feelings toward her and toward the situation, I really and truly wish her the best out of life. I just can't see her getting it, and that saddens me.

I love the direction my life is headed in, and even more than that, I love that I can actually feel the momentum. It's an....exciting? Enthralling? Thrilling? I can't find the right word! None are good enough. It's a/an ______ sensation. Anyway, it feels pretty great. I'm going to graduate in three semesters, I'm going to go to grad school, I'm going to have a career that I'll love, someone and I are going to find each other, we're going to get married and have beautiful children. And everything between now and then...well, if I manage to keep things in perspective, it can be that simple. Everything in between can just roll on by. Not to say that other things won't matter, such as friendships and family and related events, but I don't think any of that will turn out to be a major milestone. I know stress will get the better of me at least a few times, and I'm sure the Lord has a few trials planned for me along the way, and then there's the whole, "We plan, He laughs" thing, but for right now, it really feels this simple.

Perspective. I can't forget. Reminders along the way are welcome. Alla, you're especially good at that, and I thank you for all the times you've given me much needed perspective. For now, I'm high on life and I'm going to enjoy it.