A Fuse Lighted

This past weekend I went on a retreat with IVCF. We spent two nights and two days in Ocean City, New Jersey, and that time was some of the best I've ever spent. I've finally found the fellowship I've been thirsting for for so long. I made friends with everyone, but with a few freshmen in particular. I think I've also found my niche in this club. I want to be for these girls what a few older girls were for me last year and the year before. I learned a new song on the guitar--a worship song that I love. Which reminds me, I'm also helping out with the musical aspect of IVCF. I need to get on that...

I came back excited for life and on fire for God. I'm always excited to possibly see my IVCF family around campus, and I can't wait for the times when I'm guaranteed to.

I'm starting a Bible study. A few people and I can't make it to the one that is already in existence, so the other day I just all of a sudden decided to start one. This is very strange for me because I've never felt that I had enough knowledge or authority to take on this kind of thing... Anyway, we'll meet for the first time on Monday, and I already have my devotional prepared. I'm so excited!

Symbolic?

So I have this one little glass tealight holder. An old friend painted a beautiful H on it. (Yes, I am giving away pieces of my "true identity" but I don't care anymore.) Very...ornate? It's outlined in black and it has two transparent purple parts with gold dots. I can't describe it very well. Anyway, that old friend no longer speaks to me. It's been many years. But I love the little candle holder. I usually keep it with me at school on my desk and burn a candle in it every once in awhile. Well, it broke just now. I was holding it at an angle to try to get the candle to burn evenly, and I guess I just weakend the glass just enough. It just sort of...popped. A large piece of the side literally flew off and landed in the remaining part.

I really love that thing...I hope I can somehow make another. Or something. =(

"What a beautiful day to enter the world..."

My baby cousin was born today. "8.5 lbs, 20 inches, and eyes wide open!" I'm very excited to meet her in a couple of weeks. I have a feeling we're going to be the best of friends. At least, I hope so.

As I was walking to my dorm from the student center, I tipped my head back and thought, "What a beautiful day to enter the world." The sky was a rich blue, the few clouds that were within sight were flossy and white, the air cool, but not cold. The sun shone unobtrusively from somewhere behind me. I just couldn't help being so grateful for that one brief moment.

I wonder if my aunt and uncle will allow me and or my mother to teach that little girl about her Heavenly Father and how much He loves her? She is so special to me already...

Sometimes, I'm pretty smart...

So, in case you, reader, have not figured it out yet, I sometimes have small self-esteem issues...but sometimes, I know myself better than I think I do. Years ago, I wrote three notes to myself. I don't know when, and I don't know what made me write them, but every so often I come across them. Usually at just the right time. I read them and then put them somewhere safe and forget about them until the next time I find them. I wanted to put them here so that maybe I'll run across them more often as I read through old entries.

Dear self -

You have talent. You don't have to have that "one special talent." Maybe you do have it. Maybe it's not an ordinary talent. It could be love for example.

People are not better than you. They just have different talents. Not everybody has to like you. The people who matter already do. In fact, the people who matter love you.

<3 Me

Dear self -

People love you. There will always be tomorrow. Things may change, but if it/they matter, they'll always be around. I love you. I don't always show it, but...I should. I don't tell you enough. Sometimes I think I don't save enough love for you. You love everyone sooo much...but that's good. Keep caring.

<3 Me

Dear self -

Keep your faith. People have noticed it, and I'm proud of you for it. Jesus loves you. NEVER FORGET THAT. God loves you, Jesus died for you. You are wonderful. Keep striving. I know it's hard but...Heaven awaits you. Bring souls with you.

<3 Me

Under the same moon...

I can see the moon through my window right now...hazy through the clouds. It's a half-moon tonight. I have always been drawn to the moon. (Though not quite like the tides. Badump, ching! Or something...) I love looking at it. Searching the craters for faces...

Back when Lost and I used to be close, I would call her from school, and I would walk out to the little pond here and sit in the tiny gazebo. We would be on the phone, missing each other, and I would tell her not to worry because we were still under the same moon. We could both look up at that moment and see the same thing.

I'm pretty sure it meant more to me than it did to her...

The moon still means a lot to me. Hopefully I can someday tie it with something else. Someday, it won't remind me of her as much. I say "as much" because Lost was an important part of my life, and I never want to forget that part, but I don't want constant reminders that lead to the more painful memories connected with our friendship. Someday I'll be able to look back on it all and smile every time.

Bittersweet memories.

Greater Than or Equal To Content

How are you?
I'm trying to stay content. Or >content.

I'm back at school. With the routine of work and school (and a bit of play, too) came the broken routine of taking my meds. I guess school and my friends and my jobs and being away from home and that routine and those friends and my family and that job is just enough to put me juuuust over the fine line that exists between being good and being depressed. It's all just enough stress to make it just hard enough to deal with my depression that I need the chemical assistance.

So far I'm doing pretty well. Though I often forget to take my pill, I have new things that keep me going. I have three little plants that I take care of every day. I named them. Martin, Spudley, and Angel. When I figure out how to put pictures on here, I'll add some of my lovelies. I also got a little fishy. Her name is Pixie. She's a tiny female betta and I love her. I've only had her a few days, but I could sit and watch her forever. She likes to have her picture taken. =)

I love my jobs. I work at Starbucks again, and this year I get to serve my internships at the Philly Zoo. I'm only on the first one of two, but I want it to last forever. I love it there. I really want to work at this zoo I think. To start off my "real" career. And it can happen. My foot is in the door.

This year started off a little strange because I don't have my "one friend" that I'm sort of attached to. I didn't quite have one for most of the summer either, but I feel lonely more often at school. I do have Chilly and this one boy from high school I've started talking to again--we'll call him SuperHero--as well as Lexi when she's available, as well as other friends who are online often and my girls here at school, so I'm doing okay.

As a sort of side note here I would like to add that I'm curious to see how things progress with SuperHero.

Things will be alright. I'm > content.

My ABC's

I borrowed this idea from Ahem., who borrowed it from someone else.

The ABC's of my summer:

A is for ____, my sister, who I have grown even closer to.

B is for blue Gatorade. I'm addicted.

C is for cookie. And that's good enough for me.

D is for dogs. I have four.

E is for epiphany. I think I had a few.

F is for fun. What's summer without that?!

G is for guitar. I learned how to play!

H is for Harry Potter. I can't believe it's over!

I is for iguana. "Question," the Green Iguana gave me my scars for this summer.

J is for joy. 'Nuff said.

K is for my new friend, ______. I love her a lot. May our friendship be long.

L is for love. It's my favorite thing to feel.

M is for moving. I am still in the process of moving into my dad's.

N is for Nemo, the bird I am now in love with at the zoo.

O is for optometrist, and issues with my contacts. I think I've seen that guy more than some of my friends...

P is for package. It took me about a month to put one together.

Q is for quick. That's how this summer has felt.

R is for rats. I watched a couple for the zoo.

S is for songs. Every summer, I find tons of new music and this summer was no exception.

T is for Toby, my mom's dog. He and I got pretty close this summer.

U is for Utah, and my awesome trip there. Best vaca ever.

V is for Vendetta. (Had to do it...)

W is for "Wow, this is hard." ("This" being this blog entry.)

X is for xylophone. I may have thought about one at some point this summer.

Y is for yawn because I've gotten increasingly tired as the summer has gone on.

Z is for zoo. DUH!

Daddy's Girl

So Gpa finally passed yesterday. I'm pretty much fine. It was his time to go. I had been to see him a few days before and he was just...not there. He had gotten worse and had to go to a hospice home. By the time I'd gotten there to see him, they'd had to sedate him to avoid sticky situations resulting from his being delusional. Anyway, he's in a better place now.

I've really been fine up until this morning. On my way to work, I began to think about how my uncles didn't have any kind of relationship with their father and how I would be SO SAD if something happened to my dad. I love my dad. I suddenly wanted to hug him, and it made me cry a little.

So yeah, I'm basically fine. I'll be feeling a bit strange for awhile because someone in my family just died, but it will be ok.

Fortune Cookies

I've been practically living at the Kahn's lately. I love that Lexi is home. Today, we were out exploring with FridgeBoy, and it just felt so good to be with them both. That feeling hit me all of a sudden, and I just sat back as a smile spread across my face--my whole face. To just be there with them, my two best friends, my siblings, was amazing.

Anyway, that is not the point of this post.

Last night we had Chinese for dinner. As I cleared my plate, I picked up a fortune cookie, cracked it open, and read my fortune:

You are headed in the right direction.

"Oh, that's nice," I thought. I put the fortune down and went about my evening. This morning, I saw the left over fortune cookies and selected one. Once again, I picked it up, cracked it open and read my fortune:

You are headed in the right direction.

I told Lexi about the repeat and said, "Ok, that is not an accident." It's nice to get a little affirmation like that. I'm not quite sure in which thing I am moving in the right direction, but I have a feeling it doesn't simply mean life in general. I think it's supposed to mean something more specific than that... *shrug* I'll find out eventually.

To Don't List

So at a zoo, there is a semi-unspoken list of things that should never ever happen: we're not supposed to feed animals things they can't have, be in an enclosure with certain animals, do something that could cause the death of an animal, or let an animal escape.

Today, we lost a snake. I think it was the most stressful thing that has happened to me on the job thus far. It was one of our ball pythons, and I'm not sure how long it was out. It could have been anywhere from an hour to overnight.

One of my coworkers and a volunteer walked in to the gift shop and came up to me:
One of the snakes got out.
What?!

We looked all around the education building with a flashlight, moving things, triple-checking possible hiding places--nothing. We found a few ways that it could have gotten out of the building, and that just made things worse. Just as we were calling our boss to tell her what happened, I lifted up the hedgehog cage, and nearly had a heart attack. There was our snake, curled up and quite comfortable. It and the hedgehog were just lucky it had crawled under the cage, and not between the bars.

I located a drill gun and fixed the snakes' drawer so it couldn't force it open again (which is how we assumed it got out).

Let me tell you, this is one zoo-happening that I don't want to have to take part in again.

Together again!

That's right, the Kahn clan and I will all be reunited and will be taking Maryland by storm! Well, actually, we're only missing one memeber, but Miss Lexi will be here in just 8 days!!!

Fear us, all. We have epic adventures planned already, and woe unto you who get in our way! *nods*

This summer has been way exciting so far. =D

"And it's funny how you'll find...

...you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive."

My advice to pretty much everyone ever? Don't be a living self-fulfilling prophecy. My advice more specific to a certain ladder-borrowing boy? Stop searching for ways to make your insecurities true. And don't tell me that maybe they just are true. Get over yourself. (And yes, I did tell him that.)

I can't be some one's friend if they're convinced I'm either going to desert them or that I'm only being their friend to prove that I won't desert them. I get frustrated that he doesn't even want to do something about the way he feels. And no, I'm not just saying that he doesn't because it seems to me that he's not doing anything to improve his situation, he actually told me he didn't want to. I care about him, but I refuse to put myself in another manipulative friendship. I held my tongue when he was trying to rile me up today, but I may not be able to next time. It's not that I'm concerned I'll hurt his feelings; I have no control over them. I don't like being snide to people because I don't like being treated that way myself.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it yet, but the good news? SO not having a hard time getting over my feelings for him. Being stuck on an ex and wanting to wallow for the rest of one's life is just not attractive to me. Sorry.

I may sound like a jerk, but I am not ready to be a doormat or book on a shelf again.

Lemur kisses are the best kind.

I love my job.

Today was a great day. We celebrated the zoo's birthday--"Happy Birthday, Zoo!" The theme was "Big and Tall, Short and Small Birthday." We celebrated four zoo animal birthdays. (It wasn't really anyone's birthday, we just celebrated them all together.) "Gladys" the Galapagos Tortoise, was our "big," "Caz" the Cassowary was our "tall," "Elena" the Sun Bear was our "short," and "Princess" our Green-winged Macaw was our "small." We gave them all "birthday cakes" as a gift, and let the kids make birthday cards to hang in front of the enclosures. All but the bears (Elena shared with her mom and sister) got a watermelon bowl/basket filled with fruit. The bears got boxes with fruit so they could play with the cardboard after they ate.

Gladys and Caz were my favorites today. They so obviously enjoyed their "cakes" that it was just a pleasure to watch them. The word that came to my mind while watching Gladys devour her basket was "gusto." By the time she was done, her watermelon was just a patch of bare earth in her enclosure. She had even eaten the grass underneath! We had given her a whole watermelon with a handle cut in to it, and part of it hollowed out so we could put more fruit in it. It took her just shy of an hour to eat the entire thing. Caz only got half of a hollowed out watermelon. We put his favorites (grapes and tomatoes) in with some other fruits. He just looked so pleasantly surprised to be getting a treat! It was cute. The poor guy is sort of off in a corner, and he can be a little scary looking, so he's not in the spot light often. We held his bowl up to the wire and he daintily picked out grape after grape, tossing them up and swallowing them whole. When we dropped it all over the side, he actually sat/lay down to eat. Very soon he started eating the "bowl" itself. He seemed to like it so much that we went and stole the rest of the watermelon from the parrots (they weren't very interested in it).

Since I'm a bonafide education staff member this summer, I've been doing the stage programs. Instead of holding the animals while the educator talks about them, I'm the one with the mic. Until today, I was super nervous before doing a show. Actually, I was super nervous until near the end of each show... Anyway, it was weird because I usually don't mind speaking in front of people. But did you notice? ^Up there?^ I said, "until today." Today was the most awesome show I've ever ever given, and I wasn't even nervous! Well, the exhaustion may have had something to do with the not nervous part, but that's beside the point. =p Anyway, I am super excited about the show I did this afternoon. I did the introduction and the conclusion we are supposed to do for the first time. My facts flowed really well and I was able to connect almost all of them to our habitat theme. I was even animated despite how tired I was ten seconds before I went on stage. There are still things I need to work on, but I don't think I'll be nervous anymore. =D

Lastly, I got to go in with the lemurs again today. I held one of the babies while some adults scent marked my shoes and ankles. One sweet girl named Zoe sat on my shoulder and licked my arm and cheek. Let me tell you, lemur kisses are the best kind. They're sort of puppy kisses meet butterfly kisses. And lemur hands! SO SOFT. I love lemurs. They're my favorite.

Ok, [/super long entry].

Mirror, mirror...

Who's the most desirable one of all?

I'm getting a little...done with this back and forth. I decided he didn't get me to feel good about and her to be in love with. This time, I slowed us down.

I really like this guy, but I'm not about to let another person use me as they wish. I'm not some...book, or toy-shiny-new-thing... I know he genuinely cares about me, so he's not "using" me on purpose, but if he does not know for sure that he wants to be over this girl, then I'm not comfortable with him and his "sweet nothings."

*sigh*

I'm sure the next time I talk with him, he'll be his wonderful self and my resolve with falter... But really! He needs to choose so I can move on or move forward!

That one Boy...

Perhaps I blogged too soon before...

My dearest [Kismet],

I need to let you know that you mean too much to me for me to let fear get in the way of our relationship. I'm excited to get to know you better, and continue to pursue something with you. You're completely fantastic. I'm so sorry I was such a bum last night.

I miss you, and wish I was there to tenderly kiss your puffy operated-upon cheeks. I wish I could be there with you, feeding you pudding. =] Please forgive me for my display of cowardice last night. I trust you with my heart, and know you'll be careful with it. I'll talk to you soon.

~[LadderBoy]

I really like this kid.

Today, I had my wisdom teeth out. Shortly after I got home, I got a phone call from some delivery service saying that there are flowers for me in the office. He sent me flowers. How stinkin' cute is that?! He is so thoughtful all the time. This is all so new and wonderful...

Me: this is a good experience for me
Lexi: i agree
it makes me very happy
and i'm just
very excited for you
and will you hate me if i say i'm excited for you about
the whole thing?
meaning the ups, and also the downs
it's going to be a
crazy roller coaster, but i'm excited you get to have a ride
i'm even excited
for you to feel miserable about the whole thing
:^/
i'm just excited about
it all
o frabjous day, calloo callay
et cetera
you will learn a lot and i'm excited about it :o)

I will learn a lot from this. And I'm going to enjoy at least most of the process. I'm excited to get to know him, and to grow closer to him. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I think I like it.

=]

About a boy...

I have an entry about this exciting new thing in my life saved as a draft. I think it's going to have to be a draft for awhile longer...

I guess it was over before it began. There are good reasons behind it. Great reasons. Ones that I agree with. But those reasons do not protect my heart. I suppose I'm glad we were so honest and realistic the whole time. I could feel a whole lot worse.

It still aches a bit...

Here it is. My first heart-break. Though I'm not all that broken. At least for now. I'll count my blessings.

A wonderful friendship will be born from this. I hope.

It smells of honeysuckle here.

I'm back home now. Good 'ole MD.

"Say hello to my favorite state for me."

I fell asleep before my plane even took off. I woke up as we were picking up speed, only to fall asleep again once we were airborne. Dad picked me up from the airport and we drove home with the windows down. I could smell the honeysuckle the whole way.

I hadn't realized that I missed the color green. And trees. I mean, there were trees there, but East Coast Trees are different. It's good to be home.

I had a meeting with Queen today about my job at the zoo. I'm super excited. I'll have to write more about that later.

While I was gone, I missed FridgeBoy the most...even though he called me everyday. It was good to spend the afternoon with him, driving in his car. [I just wrote "cat" instead of "car." I find that amusing--"driving in his cat."] It was good to drive in my own car, for that matter. I'm not used to going two weeks with out driving. It felt great, even after being in that accident the other night.

Also, I finally get to be with my dog.

I'll miss my peeps in Utah, but it is nice to be home.

Blessings to be counted.

G-pa is getting worse. He is so confused all the time now.

I finally let myself cry about it the other night. Lexi and Amiira were chatting and something made me think of G-pa. I got a bit sad and I was super tired, so I lay down closer to Lexi and listened in an attempt to keep my mind away from personal thoughts. Well, as I should have learned in the past, it is impossible for me to do that for long.

I think it was when Lexi mentioned her grandfather, but eventually, I sat up and a single tear ran down my cheek. They asked is I were ok, and when I started to explain, my words came out broken and full of the emotions I'd been trying to ignore since I first heard about G-pa's cancer. Lexi beckoned me closer and Amiira moved over to our couch. A few more tears and shudders came out of me while Lexi held me and Amiira offered advice. After awhile, things sort of ran their course and we all moved on to other things.

Later that night, after the light was out and Lexi and I had started settling in for the night, the thoughts of G-pa came back, and with them, the shuttering breaths that usually come before my tears. Of course, Lexi heard me, and she sat up with me for most of the night as I cried and shook. She really is good to me.

My Favorite Day

"Today is my favorite day."

Day 2 in Utah, folks, and I'm lovin' it. It is so good to hang out with Lex again after so many months! I'm still trying to let everything soak in: names, faces, stories, directions, everything. But I'm really really enjoying myself.

So far today I got to meet Lexi's wonderful little beetles. It was love at first sight, really. I even got to help her and BeetleMan change the branches in the large container of them. It basically entailed dumping all the stuff out and then searching through it for tiny beetle-bug-babies. BM thought I would think it was lame, but really, today is my favorite day. He gave Lexi an adult and three baby wee ones. We went on an adventure to try to find them a suitable home/container to live in. I think I am going on an adventure myself later on to get their food. Hopefully I won't get lost....heh, my brain is used to landmarks, not grid systems. I should be fine. I think...

More later.

Just a girl that I know...

To me, a friend is someone I would want to share the joys in my life with; someone with whom I would maybe want to share my sorrows.

She is not one of those people anymore. I don't trust her, and I don't get a warmish feeling when I think about her. It sounds sad, but I just don't think of her as a friend anymore. The situation is strange for me because the few times something like this has happened, it was decided for me that whatever person and I were no longer friends.

*sigh* It is too late at night for this to make any sense. Maybe I'll rewrite it later.

Free for another summer.

I took my last exam yesterday. Genetics. When mom asked me how I thought I did, I said, "Well, I know I made stuff up." Ha ha....no, I do think I did pretty well for myself this semester.

Now all I need to worry about is what to pack for Utah and how to fit in hanging out with FridgeBoy while working at my zoo. I think this is going to be an amazing summer. It is certainly starting off on the right foot.

Oh, the directionally-challenged...

A.k.a., my mother. I love her dearly, but sheesh. I just had to help her figure out what direction we were going down a road using the sun. No lie.

Sometimes, I'm awesome.

And sometimes, I'm thankful I take after my father in certain ways.....

*grin*

Just call me "Little Bits."

This past weekend, I went to visit my grandpa. I went to visit him because a little while ago, we found out he was dying. He has cancer in his lung, bone marrow, and blood stream. It will most likely metastasize in his brain as well.

This particular grandfather, my mom's father, has been on the outs with most of his five children for about 20 years—my entire life. G-pa likes to have things his way. He wants things thought about and/or preformed his way, and when they're not, or people put up too much of a fight about it, well, it's just not good. He is very critical. The only ones that have been able to stay on his good side (for the most part) are my mother and aunt. My three uncles decided to move on with their lives, and not include him as part of them. One uncle doesn't even want to see him even now.

Anyway, I've not seen G-pa in a few years. Not since his wife died (my "step grandmother"). We used to go once a year around Thanksgiving and my birthday. I even have my own room in his house. Well, I consider it mine. I just stayed in the same one every time. We stopped going to see him a few years ago, but I can't remember why. He has not been able to get to know me as the person I have become. See, it's pretty safe to say G-pa is just not good with kids. Anyway, the look on his face when we were having our discussions....I've never really seen him look like that. I impressed him. My grandfather is not easily impressed, let me tell you. Mostly it was that I surprised him, but still.

He said a few things that were very out of character for him. He was telling me how he "wish[ed] for [me] a soul mate." And he said he was proud of me. That surprised me the most. I even had to take a few seconds to recover before I could respond. He even gave me a nickname: Little Bits. I like it. A lot. It means a lot to me, this sort of term of endearment from him.

I keep thinking about how I'm just getting to know him, and in about 8 weeks or so, he won't be here anymore. Before this weekend I didn't really feel anything about him dying. A few times this weekend, I almost started crying. I wouldn't let myself in front of him or mom, but when I went to bed that night, I didn't want to cry alone. I suppose I've put my "mourning" on hold for a little while longer even though I know how I feel now.

I'm actually going to miss him. I think maybe a lot.

"I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."

There are three words that, when strung together in a particular order to form a certain sentence, mean quite a lot to me.

When I love, I love unconditionally. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, it's just a fact observed by others that I have come to know is true. It has always been pretty easy for me to love others. I love to love them. It is how Heavenly Father programed me. I love unconditionally, and I love fiercely and faithfully.

And it is because of this that I sometimes get confused when others don't seem to love me the way I love them. I've not yet experienced "romantic love," so I'm not sure what situations like that are going to turn out like. What I am most specifically referring to here are my friendships.

I've gotten lucky a few times, don't get me wrong, but it also seems that I keep getting burned. I act as though I'm not as sensitive as I once was, and it is true that I've learned new ways to cope with different things, but some times, some thing just....cuts me. I'm sure it is true for everyone.

He gave me this strength, so now I need to pin point my weaknesses and ask Him how to go about repairing them...

I write this in a perfectly calm, thoughtful state. I've just been pondering the concept of love on and off for quite some time now. I wanted to put down a few of my thoughts.

Anyone else? Thoughts? (Extra points if you can name that song!)

Learn something new everyday.

According to my belly button, I am, "gentle, loving, cautious, sensitive, and prone to worry" as well as, "a modest, even-tempered person with a quiet, retiring personality."

Interesting.

Thanks for the link,Whistler!

Oh, Hitler.

Warning: please take the following entry with a grain of salt. All statements made in jest.

There is a thing I say, and most people do not know the story behind this thing that I say. I have decided to tell this story, because sometimes when I say it, things can get a bit sticky if people don't know why I said it.

*sounds of throat clearing*

So one day, my friends Bora and Imp were walking through a bookstore. They passed a book about Hitler, and Bora said, "Oh, Hitler." And then Imp says, "Why'd ya do it?" And it was funny. So they brought it into everyday conversation. Over time, the statement evolved to, "Oh, [insert name here], why'd ya do it?" And then finally just, "Oh, [insert name here]." We throw Hitler in there every once in awhile for fun.

Ok, that's my story. Or explanation. Or something.

Nothing better than a little good conversation. Except a lot of it.

I'm home for a long weekend this weekend. So far, it's been really nice.

I got my teeth cleaned and then chauffeured mi madre around for her annual MRI and consult appointments.

I also got a chance to hang out with Gemini Thing for about an hour. It was nice because we thought we weren't going to be able to see each other until tomorrow. We've been talking quite a bit lately, and we'd finally made plans to hang out. It turned out that we both had a bit of time today, so we met up. Very enjoyable. Oh, also, apparently Lost has been giving her crap because Gem "can" talk to me and hang out with me, and she "can't." Or something like that. I'm just kind of like, "Who made up those rules? Where did they even come from?" I am getting a bit of twisted pleasure out of the whole thing though....

I'm seeing Lost for a bit tomorrow night, so....I might have a story. Maybe. I kind of hope not, though.

All day today, Lexi was in the front of my mind. I just felt that today would have been a great day to share with her. In person, that is. I have days like that sometimes. I'm going about my day, doing whatever, and I just feel that it would be perfect if some person were there to do it all with me. Today it was Lexi. Actually, it is often Lexi. In other news, we had an awesome conversation online last night:

"Ha, a whole house to the two of us....for two weeks....we could get in to so much trouble..."

Hee hee. I can't wait. Look out, Utah!

Ok, so anyway. After hanging out with Gem, I went to see my favorite Cuban friend, FridgeBoy. Well, I wanted to see Cherchante, and Mama and Papa Khan, too. More good times. I love that house (not to mention that family). FB and I (<-- LoL! Get it? Ha!) went on a reeeeeally long walk around that one lake, with our usual special twist to it. It was just like old times. Just like old times except the conversation was slightly....older? I'm not sure how to put it. It was great, though. I love that kid. He'll be 17 on Sunday! I can't even believe it. *sigh* All of "my kids" are growing up. But that, my friends, is a story for another day. Or you know, never. I'm not sure yet.

Ok, The End.

I think I like it.

I fell asleep the other night with my own song stuck in my head. I kinda liked it.

I'm not sure if it's any good yet, but it felt really good to get those few lines worked out.

If you don't have anything good to write, don't write anything at all.

' Twas my motto for this blog....hmm......and yet, I write.


I'm confused.

I don't know what is going on in Lost's head. I really wish I did. I'm frustrated because I find myself talking to her, slipping right back into the rhythm that existed so naturally between us. "It's weird because it's not weird." I don't know yet if I can trust her. Should I embrace the returning friendship, or attempt to keep up some wall...if that's even possible? I've let down my defenses so easily so far. We'd been so close.

And then there's the other one... *sigh* I don't know what's going on.

Being at home this weekend will be nice. I'm pretty sure....

"And the forecast, I know, is that I'll be depressed."

I put myself back on meds this morning. There are so many things going on right now. I can't keep it all straight. Or something. I don't know what's going on inside my head--inside of me. I'm trying to handle it but I don't know how well I'm actually doing.

I've lost the hope I had begun to feel. I've lost my calm. I'm back in the spiraling black abyss that is the other part of my mind.

I'll just have to see what comes of it all....

"But I'll wait outside,

hopin' that I'll catch sight of the sun..."

Getting to know you

So....I did it. I called Lost. And she called back. And we talked about it. I don't know what her origional deal was, and she said she probably still couldn't talk to me about it, but I don't care. Not one bit.

Dear you,

I've grown up.

Can we do this? Let's give it one more shot.

~ me

We're getting to know each other again. Because we both want to.

I need to be careful.




Some one keep me on track? Please? Just keep an eye on me...

I stepped on a bee.

It was the most excruciatingly painful experience I can ever remember having. And I've had appendicitis, as well as the resulting surgery. I know our body makes us forget pain, and for good reason, but I'm still pretty sure that was not quite as painful as my experience today. At least it was a different kind of pain...

I stepped on a bee. I dunno how it happened. See, I was inside. In my dorm room. It makes no sense. I was walking over to my desk when BAM! Huge amounts of pain. Coming from my foot. I'm proud of myself for thinking clearly enough to gain control and look at the bottom of my foot. There was the bee, clinging on, his dying act. It was as if he was saying, "I'll teach you to walk around barefoot in your own room!" Or, "If I'm going down, you're going down with me!" He was quite brave, actually. I'm sorry, bee. =( Oh, and now that I think about it, he was almost definitely a she.

Anyway, it hurt. A lot. I got a hot flash from it, actually. And the whole time I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't get the stinger out (you're not supposed to pull them out, you have to scrape them out with a credit card or something similar), so I hopped awkwardly across the hall to the restroom. I got it out after, but I've been hobbling around since.

Ah, well. A new experience. And we were brave, that bee and I. *nods*

Woah.

A blue whale's tongue weighs as much as an elephant.

It's heart is as big as a car.

Some of it's blood vessels are so wide, you could swim down them.

And they feed on some of the tinniest animals in the sea...

"All reality is miracles."

"Here, see? A pen. The law of gravity. If I were to drop this pen, what would happen?"*
It would hit the ground.
"Right, it would hit the ground. Why?"
Gravity.
"Right, but why? Who's to say it won't go up?"
Well...gravity...
"How does that work?"
Uhh...
"Truth is, God likes it going down. God likes gravity. That's why it works. All reality is miracles. Why was the universe made in six days instead of six seconds? The sunset takes a little longer than the sunrise. God likes that. The sun moves smoothly across the sky. It could do loop-de-loops instead. God likes it that way. All reality is miracles."

Tonight at IVCF, we had an awesome guest speaker. He is the pastor at a local church and his lesson was on the the fact that we are becoming too deistic. We're taking things for granted. We know that there is a future, a promise, but we're confused about what to do in the present. He said that since we were made in God's image, we are meant for glory. ("Not a big 'G', like God's Glory, but a little 'g'.") We should be helping other people and spreading His word, all the while being aware that we have the things we have because that is the way Heavenly Father wants them, and we should be grateful for them. The speaker said we need to learn to see the future and the promise with our Spirit-inspired imagination...we need to communicate with Him, and have a relationship with Him so we can learn how to see, and what is coming ahead. Otherwise it's just the blind trying to lead the blind.

He also taught that the Bible should be so interesting to us. ("You have to admit that in North America, we're boring. [Church is boring.]") He asked us what something similar to the following passage made us think of (books, movies, anything):

This work set the benchmark for it's genre in its creation of an entirely new and thrillingly vital universe. It introduced an unforgettable hero, caught up in a war of mythic proportions, defining for many the archetypal struggle between good and evil.

Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and the Matrix were all mentioned. As it turns out, it was pieces of a statement made about LotR. He then asked us if we thought it could also apply to the Bible. "This book has a flood that covers all of the known Earth, and the only survivors are a man who is not that righteous to begin with, and a floating zoo. This book has a man swallowed by a fish and spit back on land, lepers, people coming back from the dead, a man that walks on water, exorcisms, fish with coins in their mouths...how much more exciting can you get?" He pointed out that the poetry in Job, the Song of Songs, and the Psalms is amazingly structured. The poetry is more complex than anything that old Billy ever wrote.

Anyway, it was basically an amazing lesson, and the whole time I was on the edge of my seat, willing more to come. More of the lesson. It felt wonderful.

*All "quotes" are loosely quoted, not direct.

Big World

I "made it" on to the 100 Hour Board Alumni blog. I find that greatly amusing.

So much.

So much love, so much change, so much hope, so much thinking, so much wanting, so much waiting, so much confusion, so much gloom, so much searching, so much finding, so much confidence, so much possibility, so much purpose, so much happiness, so much friendship, so much gratitude...

So much.

Poeticness?

The other night, as I walked along the wet sidewalk, in and out of the light, passing under the street lights, I tip-toed around the earthworms that had oozed out of their telluric homes to worship the rain. As I went along, I pondered about how poetic it all was: I hated the spaces between the street lights because I had no idea if I was stepping on any of the poor worms. It was amazing how a little illumination helped...

Today I was haunted by the ghouls of my all-to-recent-past... Have they invented black holes to tie around fingers yet?

This entry was going to be a lot better. I lost all my thoughts, though. My apologies.

Some thoughts

So I've figured out that I have a very odd addiction. To books on animals. To HUGE books on animals. I just bought my...fourth(?) one last night. And it's huge and big and wonderful. And I love it. It's another one on mammals. Which brings me to my next thought:

I've pretty much decided that I'm going to work towards getting a Masters degree in mammalogy. I just need to figure out how I want to do it... See, I've always planned on going straight to work after I "did my time" so to speak--after I completed my four years. I'm lucky because it is very likely that I will have a job right out of school. I was thinking maybe night classes or something, but my mom says that would take forever. She makes a good point. I'll have to do some research. At least now I know that's what I want to do.

I also want to learn more about fish and insects. I know almost nothing about them! That is just not acceptable. Except, when I say "nothing," I think I might still mean slightly more than the average, less-animal-obsessed person.... Anyway, my dear friend Lexi has caused me to have a new appreciation for beetles. I think I'll start with them.

Speaking of beetles, krebscout is an amazing writer, and I'm jealous. *grin*

It doesn't even matter.

FridgeBoy made me another mix. I love the mixes he gives me, even if I don't listen to them over and over all the time like I do with my other CDs. Anyway, one of the songs he put on it made me think of this situation with Lost:

In The End

It starts with

One thing; I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know: time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know

Wasted it all just to

Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme

To remind myself how

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so far

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me

In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

And for all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

~ Linkin Park

I've not gotten a reply to my last e-mail. I guess it's over. All of that....all that love, all that laughter, all the trust and happiness...it doesn't even matter. Well, in a way it does. That was a high point in my life. I hope it was in hers, too.

If you ever catch up, give me a call.

~me

No Spring in sight.

Tree tops full of robins. Multiple treetops. Robins phreaking everywhere. I have never seen so many robins in my life. Then there was the one poor, frazzled mockingbird trying to chase them all away, the whole time trying to talk some sense in to them. "There's snow on the ground! What are you doing here?! There is no Spring in sight!"

Oh, me.

Last night, I pulled that one prank again. I sucked a couple of my coworkers in, too. I'll have to find out how it turned out.... Hee hee hee. ; )

I also spoke with my friend Banana for quite awhile. I'm going to visit her at her school when I go home this weekend! I'm very excited.

Oh, and I even got in a few minutes of chat time with Lexi. I was beginning to think you'd dropped off the face of the Earth, my friend! I'm glad you are well!

Life is pretty durn good.

69 more days!!

Board "writer."

I love helping Lexi answer questions. I've done it in the past with some funny questions and one question about getting a new dog. That last one was a surprise because that quote in it is the e-mail I sent her. The exact e-mail. Spelling and grammar mistakes and all. See, I thought she was going to take the information, and incorporate it in to her own response. Wrong. My dear friend seems to be lazy. (Just kidding!)

Anyway, in the past few days there have been some questions asked that fall under my favorite topic. (Can you guess?) I got to answer those ones as myself! Through Lexi, of course. I was telling my one friend (who is a Zoo Science major like myself) about the two questions and we had a little chuckle over the one. (If it's not amusing to you, that's ok. You have to be of a special breed. =p ) The second one was a bit confusing because of the way it was worded. Also, I try to avoid doing math if I can help it. I don't think my new friend Fergus knew that last part though, because he tried again. A question addressed to me! Only, not from a Board writer this time.

I really love answering questions. I even go so far as to address ones that have already been answered. Maybe I should just get over myself and apply? *shakes head at self*

How open should my heart really be?

"Hands open and my eyes open.

I just keep hoping that your heart opens.

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right,

Gotta be more than hoping it's right."

~Snow Patrol, "Hands Open"

[Lost], this is dumb.
"What's dumb?"
This thing with us.
"You're being very nondescriptive. Could you please elaborate?"
I feel like we're just pretending...it feels fake.*
"I didn't know what else to do. I did sincerely apologize, but you still seemed so upset with me, so I decided I should just leave you alone for awhile...I figured when you were ready to talk about it or move on or whatever, you would let me know. Until then, I just needed to be patient."*
I appreciate your apology, but apologies don't make everything [better right away]. They're just the first step. I forgive you, but I can't act completely naturally because I'm still uncomfortable. Know that just because I am uncomfortable, it doesn't mean I want you to stop working with me on the problem...I have done everything I can for our friendship. All I can do now is reciprocate any effort made by you. I'm torn because this is too important to me to just wait and hope you'll do something, but if I "do something", I feel that it won't be very effective because I can't always be the one to "do something." Friendships are an equal partnership. I can't have a shallow friendship who's sole purpose is to "just have fun." It's not bad or wrong, it's just not me. Especially if I am close with a person first. This whole time I've not known how you feel about any of this. You've pretty much kept me out of communication for awhile now. You were not treating me fairly. I made the decision to take care of myself--to be fair to myself. Never have I wanted our friendship to be over...I don't know what else I can say.*


I finally did it. We had been e-mailing stupid little things like forwards back and forth and I just got sick of it. We'll have to see what comes of it. I'm not holding my breath--I won't do that to myself.

*Content left out or modified for brevity's sake. Content in quotes only shortened, original text intact.

I'm a big kid, now.

"You surprise me, [Kismet's real name]."
I'm sorry?
"No, in a good way."
I don't know what you mean.
"It's just you're...well, your political views and your...you just surprise me."

I surprise myself, lately. Specifically with the "adult conversations " I've been taking part in. Instigating, even. Tonight I was talking about [light] politics, relationships, music, and religion with my coworkers. Intelligently, and somewhat passionately. I sounded like I knew what I was talking about, and I did. Even though I have little to no experience or knowledge on the subjects. Or so I thought.

These conversations satisfy me in a way I never predicted. Like that one at that place mom took Lost and me to. I was talking to a friend of my aunt, and...that conversations was the best conversation I've ever had in my life. Of that kind anyway. It was the first time I physically saw the difference between Lost and me. I wrote a letter about it. (The difference I saw, not the conversation.)

Anyway, increasingly often, I have these moments when I think to myself, "I'm an adult, now." It is interesting to ponder.

I suppose all children feel that they'll , never grow up, but I think I just thought I would never grow up all the way. See, for the longest time, I been doing "juvenile" things thinking, "Oh, I'll grow out of this someday," and then, "I'll have to grow out of this someday," then finally, "I never grew out of this. I'm going to be a pretty interesting adult." These things included going up the stairs of my house on all fours (I don't actually do this so much anymore), sitting on the floor, bursting out into random song, saying extremely random things out loud to no one in particular (No, really. Sometimes they're not even words.), and sleeping with a "special blanket" (now I have two). Turns out I was right about being an interesting adult. But you know what? Whatever, I'll sit on the ground if I want, and I like my blankets. So there. I'm a big kid now, and no one can stop me! Just kidding. What I meant to say was: Does anyone ever really grow up? I mean, some people lose touch with their "inner child", and well, I don't want to be that person. Ever.

Ok, well, this post is long enough. I just wanted to share.

A conversation with my roommate.

Me: If I have to read the f-word one more time, I'm going to punch something. Just because I hear it all the time doesn't mean I'm ok with reading it.

Roomie: You'd think she would have asked you if it offended you.

Me: Yeah, but she's not considerate. It's Kuehl. Even if I said something to her, she would just say something like, "Well, you're an adult now" and she'd be right, but still. I visibly flinch every time I read it. It's ruining this already awful play for me.

Roomie: It's a nasty word, I don't see why we just have to learn to live with it. I mean, sometimes I do use it, but I'm joking around, I would never use it in an argument.

Me: I'm really not a prude, I promise. I know I talk about things like this fairly often.

Roomie: No, I know. And most of what you say I agree with, so it's ok.

Me: It's just that since what happened with Lost*, I've just been making some personal choices. I learned that you have to be your own person. Really be your own person. Like, through and through.


I really liked that realization....I hope I remember it as I continue to struggle to move on.....

*Pseudonym.

I feel like a real Boardie.

I belong! Heh. It's a nice feeling to know that people read my blog and deem it worthy enough to link on thier own blogs!! =D

Also, yay for new pals!

My happy thoughts for the day.

My thoughts on Heroes.

I don't have a hero. I mean, I don't think I do. This uncertainty causes me to feel that I just don't have one. There are people I look up to: my mom, my dad, Mama and Papa Khan, Aunt Eller, my uncle P and aunt C...those are the top 7 anyway. Well, as far as "elders" go... I look up to friends and peers of mine, but in a different way. That can be an entry for another day. (Hey! I'm a poet, and didn't know it!)

Now, I'm not saying that I need a hero—nor that people in general need heroes. For some, a hero is an important part in werf's life. For others, guidance comes from elsewhere. Neither group of people is better than the other, only different. Why do some have heroes, and others don't? Now, I'm using "hero" as slightly different than a "mentor". In my opinion, one does not have to ever meet one's hero. A mentor implies that werf was guided directly by said mentor. Again, in my opinion.

I think it's so cool to listen to people talking about their hero(s). Or mentor(s) for that matter. Most get this look in their eyes.....a brightness, and excitedness. I enjoy it.

Someday, I want to inspire that look in someone's eyes.

Jumbled thoughts, jumbled words.

Dear you,

I grew up.

I'll always care about you. Give me a call if you ever catch up.

~ me


The end of the friendship? She won't fight for me--for it. I gave all I could. It has to be her "turn" because I've done all I can. Most of the time now I don't really feel loss. I feel a bit sad for her because she's the one who lost something. I was a great friend to her. I know I was. Not trying to "toot my horn", but I know it's true. I love with all my heart. It's what I'm good at. And I love to do it. Sometimes, I wish she would wake up and know what to do to fix our friendship. I want to know that she wants to. We had a good thing for awhile there. It's so strange to go from knowing every single thing about a person to knowing almost nothing. And what I do know is not from her. I miss her, and I'm frustrated at myself for it. At least I don't dwell on it very often. Or even for very long. *sigh*

I'm so grateful for the friends who work with me to help our friendships grow. I'm grateful to them for being there for me--being here for me. I'm grateful for the friends who actively care about me.

I am blessed. I am. And I'm more healthy than I was before.

It's all going to be great.

Look out, Utah!

Here I come!

I'm so excited! Last night, I booked my tickets, and the question that I asked about my trip posted today. Yay!

We're going to have such a blast, my friend. I'm can't wait to see you!!!

Shell of a Life

I know that the phrase I have chosen usually has a negative connotation, but really, I mean it as a positive thing. I suppose I should have chosen either "foundation" or "beginning" instead? Well, "shell" is the way I think about it in my head.

As I was walking Chloe (my dog) this morning, I was reminded once again that I have awesome things ahead of me. One of those things is security. Between my father's house, my mother's apartment and various friends' and relatives' places, not only do I have a place to stay if I need one, but I have an almost completely furnished apartment! Ok, that may be exaggerating just a bit. Allow me to explain.

Over the past few years, family members and other benefactors have been giving me any furniture that they no longer need or want. I have a love seat, a few bookshelves, a computer desk, at least one recliner, a television, various tables, chairs to go with the kitchen table, a bedroom set (bed, dresser, nightstands), various lamps, and a few other miscellaneous things. I even have a dog to make whatever place feel like a home. I just need appliances to go with my dishes and silverware, and I'll be set! Oh, except for the apartment to put it all in...... *grin*

Anyway, I love being reminded of all my blessings. I try to remember to count them on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I know that life is not about material things, and I don't make a habit of literally counting all the things I have to put in an apartment some day. When I do think about themthough, I am in awe of how the Lord provides. He has given me a loving family, a dog that adores me, good friends, and amazing "surrogate families."

I am so excited to be experiencing this adventure that is Life, and I look forward to see where my journey takes me.

Vacation!

I love that feeling that one gets when all the little pieces of a situation just...slip into place. For a few months now, I've been wanting to go out to Utah. I want to visit my best friend and break up this routine I've been stuck in. I'm not even very deep into the routine; I just knew what was coming: school, home to work for the summer, school, home to work for the summer... The more I read the Board and talk to my friend, the more I know I'll have a blast out there. I already like a ton of people and we've never met each other!

Anyway, I've finally picked a time to go, and I think I've found plane tickets at a reasonable price!! Woot! When I told my mom about my desire to go a few weeks ago, she wasn't too happy about it. But when I explained my need for a vacation, well, it was one more piece in its place.

I'm so excited!

Valentine's Day

My mom is the best Valentine I'll ever need. That's right. My mother.

Growing up, Valentine's Day was a lot like Easter and Christmas. That is to say, my brother and I would be too excited to fall asleep on time the night before, and in the morning as soon as we woke up, we would run in to our mom's room and bug her about presents. Obviously, this was before we understood the "reason for the season".

My point is, every year, my mom tried to make February 14th extra special for us. Only, it wasn't because it was an extra special day, but because it gave her another excuse to show us how much she loved us. Because of her, that day has become a day to go out of my way to show my loved ones that I love them. I spend no time moping about how I've never had a boyfriend to share it with, instead I think about how great it will be when, someday, I will have an extra person to celebrate.

Last year, my mom was super busy around February, and she forgot about Valentine's Day. It was my first year away at college, and I was also busy, so I didn't notice the fact that I hadn't gotten a card or anything from her. I got a phone call from a fairly upset mommy that day after she realized what day it was. I just chuckled and tried to reassure her. I felt very loved that Valentine's Day.

I can't wait until I have time to start making hand-made valentines again. I would grab a bunch of red, pink and white construction paper, doilies, a red pen, and a pair of scissors and sit down to a fun craft session. I still have half of one of the hearts I made. I gave the other half to a friend and wrote a message on it. I need to find that....

"Creature Comforts"

Ahahahahaha, these are great:

• The other side of my future.
• Or perhaps something more after Lexi's heart.

Oh, yay.

The "20 Minute Rule"

The other day, my roommate told me about a rule her mother made up for their family. When someone got upset about something--sad, mad, whatever--they could be upset for 20 minutes, and then they had to stop and move on.

I've decided that I like this rule, and I am going to attempt to incorporate it into my life. Wish me luck.

That "sinking feeling"

You know the feeling you get when there are things going on with people you know, and you're pretty sure that what ever is up is really just the tip of some ominous iceberg and that all of it is somehow connected? Oh, and you're the only one who doesn't know the details?

Yeah, it makes me a little bit sick to my stomach.

Don't want this tied around my finger

For some people, a string tied around the finger serves to remind them of something of their choice. Well, I want an un-string. Some black hole to tie around my finger so that whenever I look at it, these memories get sucked right out of my head.

It's difficult when so much of your life is tied into another's and something happens to either put the friendship "on hold" or to end it. I still care about her so much. She's not talking to me and I've been pretty sure that I'm not supposed to be the one to seek out contact. When one gives 210%, it's the other person's turn. As time goes on however, I'm loosing some of my resolve. Previously, I'd been being prompted to act and it was fairly clear how I should act. I keep praying, asking what I should do, for the confidence to do it, for the patience to wait until the time is right, and the ability to recognize when He is speaking to me. I'm guessing that the "lack" of answer is my answer. I just wish I knew if it meant it was all over, and I need to move on, or if I just need to keep waiting. I've also thought that maybe I should reach out to her after all, but that could also just be from me.

In the meantime, all these things that remind me of her, all the (few) times I see her name on my buddy list....it gets to me.

I'll be fine.

The Carousel Ride that is My Life

"So the years spin by and now the [girl] is twenty.

Though [her] dreams have lost some grandeur coming true.
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty

Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round,

And the painted ponies go up and down.

We're captive on the carousel of time.

We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game."

~"The Circle Game", Joni Mitchell

That's right, "carousel ride", not "roller coaster ride". To me, the second phrase implies a fast pace, and my life is going at a comfortable pace at the moment. However, there are many ups and downs. I'm sitting on a painted pony, and just when I am lifted up, and I think that maybe, maybe it'll go just. A. Bit. Higherrrrr....I glide back down again. Back down to see the kids on the ponies on either side of me up above my head. Most of the time though, I don't even pay attention to those other kids. I'm too busy hanging on to that gilded pole, watching the progress of the cranking rod that rotates around and around, lifting my pony up and down, up and down.

My dad used to ride the carousel with me. He would stand next to my steed, hand on it's rump so he could steady me should I fall. My mom always stood on the other side of the railing, on the ground. As I went round and round and round, I would pick her face out of the crowd. She was my marker. I've been riding solo for quite awhile now. Most of the time I simply enjoy the wind in my face and the feeling of momentum. I wrap myself up in the music and the motion and the breeze.....and I close my eyes and smile.

Lately, I've been wishing for a more steady ride. Those dips, though not very deep, are getting to me. I am grateful that they don't go as far down as they used to, but they sure are good at reminding me of something that I feel I need to forget for now....

Clarity in Cliché

Nothing is crystal clear
While there are so many shades of gray.
I believe a good friend is hard to find and worth trying to keep.

You pulled the wool over your eyes,
You turned your deaf ear.
Will we ever reach that bridge to cross?

One could hear a pin drop
As we suffer in silence.
Our actions speak louder than words.

The thread is fraying
And our bridge is singed.
Is this the way the cookie crumbles?

I’m putting my foot down,
And my best one forward.
This camel’s back is broken.

You want it all to be water under the bridge,
But my river of tears is not that deep.
I’ve forgiven but cannot forget.

You think I’ve had a change of heart.
You’re treating me like I’m the plague.
Well hear me now and believe me later.

I’m no fair-weather friend.
I’m stepping up on my soapbox,
I can see a light at the end of this tunnel.

It may not be your cup of tea,
But I’ve bent over backwards,
I’ve reached the end of my rope.

This can be the turning point.
You’ll never know until you try.
We can move onward and upward.

The slate may never be wiped completely clean,
And we’ll be working from the bottom up,
But can’t time heal all wounds?

I’m holier than no one.
I’m no longer along for this ride.
So wear this on your sleeve.

~Me, with some help from friends

Responsibility?

It makes me sad. It really does. It saddens me that so many creatures and organisms are lost to our world forever. More and more die off every year. Every month. Every day, even. It is probable that some die out before we even know they exist.

I know that it is often a case of whatever organism not being able to adapt to the world's changes, but if we as the human race were more careful, and used our resources more wisely, that the volume of extinctions would decrease. Or at least the frequency at which they are occurring would diminish. Some extinctions did not have to occur. We just need to have some foresight.

I'm not a big fan of "playing God", but I do feel that we should try to preserve what we can of what He made. He gave it to us (Genesis 1:28). Doesn't that make is our responsibility? We take all of it for granted.

Anyway, soapbox session over. I was inspired.

My future.

I always love the varied reactions and responses that are the result of my telling a person what I plan to do for a living. Lately it comes up because people ask me what I'm studying at school. Clearly, they do not expect to hear the words "zoo science" come out of my mouth. I'm pretty sure that most people don't even know how to compute that statement. Four out of five times, after werf recovers from a mild shock, they sort of mutter something to the effect of, "To...?" "Become a zoo keeper," I reply. Some don't even make it as far as the half-question. They simply stare at me until I rescue them with an explanation.

It was almost worse when I was a kid. Adults would ask me the banal question: "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "A zoo keeper," I would firmly respond. The actual words of the responses I got varied: "Ooooh, ok." "Aw, that's cute." "You mean a vet?" But the thought behind most of them was the same: "Yeah, right. She'll grow outta that one." My little eight-year-old self could hear in werf's voice that they weren't a believer. My mind screamed, "I WILL!"

Know what? I am. When I first realized my dreams were coming true--actually becoming true--I felt.....amazing. For something that I had been working toward since before I can even remember to be right there, in front of me, it was one of the best feelings in the world. I think I first realized it was happening sometime during the first week of college.....no, maybe it was after I got my acceptance letter. Before, working in a zoo was just something I thought about. Then, it became something that I am actively taking steps toward.

My internship over the summer confirmed that I do indeed want to work in a zoo. Well, I have worked in a zoo now, but someday, I'll work in one all the time. None of these silly breaks for school. At least some of the classes I'm taking focus on zoo work and the like.

I can't wait.